So the other night, I got a booty call from my girlfriend……transcript
of the text messages/phone calls
R: Heffer go with me
to grayzies
Me: What??? ….u
tanked already, I need to ask hubby
Me: Who is going?
R: (crickets chirping) This should be a good indication on my part
that she is totally shit tanked and tonight is gonna be interesting
Me: HELLOOO….(insert
ode to Charity here, because I cannot say the word Hello properly, every
time I say “Hello”, I now sing it like
Lionel Richie)……is it me your looking for….(NOOOOOOOOO….STOOOPPPP)
R: Come out biotch
Me: U gonna pick my
ass up
R: I’ll let u know
Me: Know what?? (FYI –
texting with drunk people when you are sober is just fucking frustrating)
Me: I expect you in
20
R: No, Ill let u
know
Me: Know what you
fuckin hooka
R: I will let I. know
when sex party is done. Is (Hubs) home
Me: (Inside ma head –
Ahh fuck, this is gonna get good) Yep,
Hubs is home
Silence until like 20 minutes later when massive horn
honking was done outside my house with crazy catcalling. Most of my neighbors are unsure if my name is
Jana or Hooker….as hooker is used frequently to call me out of the house. I operate on a wave and walk policy with my
neighbors….I wave, smile and walk fast to the door.
So we get to the bar where most of the clientele is either 22 year old boys, 40+ women, or middle age men who spend too long at the gym trying to make up for their small penises. There are also a range of other girls who I am not sure if they are Kardashian looking tranny’s or someone baked them too long in the oven, realized their mistake and then tried to use tan colored frosting to fix the fuck ups.
As we proceed to shakin our booties on the dance floor, I realize
a couple of things:
EXACTLY |
#1 – At what point did I indicate that you can hump my
ass? You are not my hubby and I did not
give you the invitation by bending over. I simply was dancing with the girls on the
dance floor and yet you took this as an indication that you could totally use
your stealthily (not) GI Joe maneuvers to try and hump my butt crack.
#2 – As you use these “moves” and honey, Rico Suave you aren’t,
who the FUCK said it was ok to grab my hips and push down my back? I don’t know where the fuck you came from but
I am gonna turn around and kick your dick so hard the ENT doctor will declare
you his new scientific discovery because you have two muthafuckin uvulas.
#3 – I realize that you want to thro’ down and have a dance
off, but your version of the cabbage patch and the dougie all Sir-Mixed-A lot together
does not deserve a ring of observers to give you more room. However, you throwing both your full beers
down on the dance floors prior to said “dance off” does mean that I could
probably film “C Me Dance” here and win an Oscar. Plus all the drunken hookers that you made
fall due to the beer spillage was pure entertainment to me. (BWAAAAA….I am still laughing)
The other images were too distrubing, but this is kinda what it looked like |
#4 – Girl, your fucking wing women suck ass. I believe in good girlfriends and as such, they should protect you from the ass humping Cee Lo green look a likes. (Come on peeps, I love Cee Lo, but you have to admit he looks like a cool midget version of a T-Rex with a very large head)
Your
bitches should not leave your ass on the dance floor with the midget
motor-boating your titties and the ginormous Lurch looking guy completing the freaky
hump sandwich. Unless that is what you
wished for prior to going out….ahh….magic mirror….I need to be the floozie meat
with big bread on the bottom and a little bun rubbing the sauce in on da
top! Then girlfriend, you can now check
that one off your bucket list.
#5 – Doing the jackrabbit on your boyfriend in the bar makes
me laugh and take your picture. But
watching you fall off was the best part of my night…….so to the crazy slut in
the middle of the bar who gave her man the most awkward jackrabbit bouncing lap
dance and then fell on the floor – I salute you…..you made my fucking
night! Too bad the picture only captured
half of you ‘cause I was laughing so hard.
#6 – Note to self, next time, I’m going to make sure that I am hammered
before I leave the house.
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