I have been in the midst of a funk. I just don’t know why, well I do, but they are such first world problems that I hate to be a whiny bitch. Everything is great at home, hubby is his normal fantastic self, the girls are full of their usual Exorcist moments, bitches one second and then crying because you walked by and didn’t hug them. (Holy Cripes, they are only 7 and 10 – how much more difficult is it going to get???)
I have a great group of friends – they are just as wacked as me, and I love them. I am cleaning house in terms of friends and wondering why I didn’t do this when the crazy train first started. I think that from now on, if I get that first hint, you know the one where I have to plan certain events with certain people only – I am going to cut the friendship strings then and there.
It’s not that I want everyone to agree with me or have the same opinion. I love having friends with diverse opinions, as long as they aren’t trying to shove them down when we disagree. We can believe in different things, we CAN have different political opinions!
So to that one crazy lady that is spiraling down into a flaming mass of what the fuckery, and where the sheer amusement factor in watching is better than any Spanish soap opera that I have ever witnessed, you rock on girl! (Yes, I am going to hell – but damn my tan will look F-I-N-E).
So what the hell is my problem??
My biggest problems are my insane dreams of the Zombie Apocalypse. Is it wrong to dream of the Zombie Apocalypse? Because maybe, just maybe I could get my shit together and feel a little energized? Kidding….kind of…
Well, with that maudlin intro – Let me tell you some of the funnier shit that has been happening lately:
Balls, Boobs and Vomit
My friend (Ro-fighter) and I were blessed with 6th row, behind home plate tickets to the Giants.
And what an epic night!
It started with the crazy guy sitting next to us trying to stroke our arms and legs and his friend who tried to make up for creepy stroker man by buying us all our beer. All I kept thinking was that my hubby was going to see me on TV with some asshat trying to touch my arm and trying to rub Ro-fighters shoulder.
This then led to me getting a mini-standing ovation for threatening to kick the stroker’s ass. I just couldn’t take it anymore, and whimpy Ro-fighter was saving all of her juice for her mass transit fights later. So, I stood up, grabbed stroker’s arm and twisted it by his head yelling at him that if he touches us again, I am going to rip his arm off and beat him with it. At this point, all of the boys behind us were clapping and cheering me on. Stroker, realizing that some girl was going to bitch slap him with his own appendage, decided to hi-tail it out of his seat. Of course, Stroker’s BFF tried to make it up to us by continuing to pour beer down our throats.
|Even Waldo got into the Mix!|
This made Ro-fighter and I very happy, since we were more than willing to take the free drinks and then head out on our own. On our way home, my little shit starter, Ro-fighter, decided to take on all of the Barak Obama supporters in a crowed Bay Area train, firing off the topic - “What Barak Obama has done for YOU”.
Holy Shit, it was like she was torturing small babies right in front of them all!
While, Ro and I might not agree on our political affiliations, arguing with drunken people and arguing about Politics never ends well. The only thing that saved us in starring in Throw Mama from the Train was a gigantic heave of barf.
That’s right – our elitist butts were saved by a fountain of vomit that erupted from the girl sitting near us. I have never seen grown people leap and move so fast to run to other parts of the train, it was ten shades of AWESOME. So what did we do, we took a picture of it!
|Oh, and we saw this couple......interesting|
|And this lady was VERY VERY VERY mad at Ro-fighter and I for laughing on the train. Apparently, only deep thoughts and intellectual conversation are allowed on the train.|
Crazy Train, Party of ONE
Holy Batman nuts – there is a level of crazy going around lately that makes the Riddler look like a Clozapine spokesman. Apparently a former friend of ours is spreading a rumor that my hubby is stalking her. He is stalking her by driving by her house every day!! This is batshit crazy stuff, since he drives by her house to get to ours. As a matter of fact, I drive by her house a shit load, does that mean that I am stalking her too? I think the FedEx guy is sleeping with her too, since he drives by her house as well. Oh, and apparently, all she has to do to get Hubby in her bed is crook a finger and he will come running to service her. AHHHHAAAAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Holee CRAP – I haven’t been at this level of psycho since I was in college and my roommate, after fucking Randy Quaid, tried to sneak into my bedroom and rub their combined juices on me so that I would feel famous too. ACK, ACK, ACK – I don’t even know what to say! Poor Hubby, he has never dealt with this level of crazy and just walks away shaking his head. Of course, I take EVERY SINGLE MOMENT to rub this in and will call him at random times to find out who he is stalking.
Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
Trick or Treat!
Hubby and I every year attend a Halloween party put on by one of our friends. Every year, we go as a themed couple. One year, we were Santa Clause and Santa’s Ho. It was awesome, my makeup was perfectly smeared across my face and Hubby had a goody bag full of Trojan Magnum’s and Ring Lolly Pop’s. Last year, Hubby wore his fire turn out’s and I was “Naughty Spotty” – complete with black spots and a cute collar. As we were walking into the party, I get clipped in the neck. As I turn to try and figure what the heck was going on, I see that Hubby has clipped a leash on me. Jackass….but funny!
This year, Hubby came up with a GREAT idea, but a little too late. He wanted to be Fantasy Island, we me as Tattoo and Hubby as Mr. Roarke. EPIC! Alas, the party is Saturday. So we will be going as lame masquerade people….do you think I can scrounge up two white leisure suits quickly??
It's a good thing that Tattoo and I are the same height!
If you have a thrift store nearby, don't give up hope on the white suits! If you find an ugly light blue tux instead, might I suggest sonny and cher!? Oh, and I have a twelve year old girl skipping, sulking, laughing,crying through this place/\...fasten your seat belt!ReplyDelete
OMG Andrea - I think that I must have to dye my hair all the time, the amount of angst that comes off her at times kills me. Sonny & Cher - Huh....maybe!ReplyDelete
I'm killer jealous of your super close seats at the Giants game. Although not jealous of the asshats bothering you. Glad you didn't have to rip that guys arm off and beat him with it, because security might not have completely understood and still hauled your ass to jail where couldn't blog at all - and that would just suck.ReplyDelete
And the barf on the train, OMG, NASTY.
Also, how long have you and hubby had to drive by said woman's house to get home or go somewhere? Because really, she should have reported your stalker asses to the popo years ago. lol
Not only do I dream about the zombie apocalypse, I have planned for it's coming.ReplyDelete
You're welcome, bitch.
People watching on public transit is the greatest entertainment ever!!ReplyDelete
BTW, I've nominated you for a Liebster Award.