I would like to have a catchy title, but I used my last funny thought photoshopping shit

 I have been in the midst of a funk.    I just don’t know why, well I do, but they are such first world problems that I hate to be a whiny bitch.  Everything is great at home, hubby is his normal fantastic self, the girls are full of their usual Exorcist moments, bitches one second and then crying because you walked by and didn’t hug them.  (Holy Cripes, they are only 7 and 10 – how much more difficult is it going to get???)

I have a great group of friends – they are just as wacked as me, and I love them.  I am cleaning house in terms of friends and wondering why I didn’t do this when the crazy train first started.  I think that from now on, if I get that first hint, you know the one where I have to plan certain events with certain people only – I am going to cut the friendship strings then and there.  

It’s not that I want everyone to agree with me or have the same opinion.  I love having friends with diverse opinions, as long as they aren’t trying to shove them down when we disagree.  We can believe in different things, we CAN have different political opinions! 

So to that one crazy lady that is spiraling down into a flaming mass of what the fuckery, and where the sheer amusement factor in watching is better than any Spanish soap opera that I have ever witnessed, you rock on girl!  (Yes, I am going to hell – but damn my tan will look F-I-N-E). 

So what the hell is my problem??   

My biggest problems are my insane dreams of the Zombie Apocalypse.  Is it wrong to dream of the Zombie Apocalypse?  Because maybe, just maybe I could get my shit together and feel a little energized?  Kidding….kind of…

Well, with that maudlin intro – Let me tell you some of the funnier shit that has been happening lately:

Balls, Boobs and Vomit

SO CLOSE

My friend (Ro-fighter) and I were blessed with 6^th row, behind home plate tickets to the Giants.  

And what an epic night!  

It started with the crazy guy sitting next to us trying to stroke our arms and legs and his friend who tried to make up for creepy stroker man by buying us all our beer.  All I kept thinking was that my hubby was going to see me on TV with some asshat trying to touch my arm and trying to rub Ro-fighters shoulder.  

This then led to me getting a mini-standing ovation for threatening to kick the stroker’s ass.  I just couldn’t take it anymore, and whimpy Ro-fighter was saving all of her juice for her mass transit fights later.  So, I stood up, grabbed stroker’s arm and twisted it by his head yelling at him that if he touches us again, I am going to rip his arm off and beat him with it.  At this point, all of the boys behind us were clapping and cheering me on.  Stroker, realizing that some girl was going to bitch slap him with his own appendage, decided to hi-tail it out of his seat.  Of course, Stroker’s BFF tried to make it up to us by continuing to pour beer down our throats.   

Even Waldo got into the Mix!

This made Ro-fighter and I very happy, since we were more than willing to take the free drinks and then head out on our own.  On our way home, my little shit starter, Ro-fighter, decided to take on all of the Barak Obama supporters in a crowed Bay Area train, firing off the topic -  “What Barak Obama has done for YOU”.   

Holy Shit, it was like she was torturing small babies right in front of them all!  

While, Ro and I might not agree on our political affiliations, arguing with drunken people and arguing about Politics never ends well.    The only thing that saved us in starring in Throw Mama from the Train was a gigantic heave of barf.  

That’s right – our elitist butts were saved by a fountain of vomit that erupted from the girl sitting near us.  I have never seen grown people leap and move so fast to run to other parts of the train, it was ten shades of AWESOME.    So what did we do, we took a picture of it!

Oh, and we saw this couple......interesting

And this lady was VERY VERY VERY mad at Ro-fighter and I for laughing on the train.  Apparently, only deep thoughts and intellectual conversation are allowed on the train.

Crazy Train, Party of ONE

Holy Batman nuts – there is a level of crazy going around lately that makes the Riddler look like a Clozapine spokesman.  Apparently a former friend of ours is spreading a rumor that my hubby is stalking her.  He is stalking her by driving by her house every day!!  This is batshit crazy stuff, since he drives by her house to get to ours.  As a matter of fact, I drive by her house a shit load, does that mean that I am stalking her too?  I think the FedEx guy is sleeping with her too, since he drives by her house as well.  Oh, and apparently, all she has to do to get Hubby in her bed is crook a finger and he will come running to service her.  AHHHHAAAAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Holee CRAP – I haven’t been at this level of psycho since I was in college and my roommate, after fucking Randy Quaid, tried to sneak into my bedroom and rub their combined juices on me so that I would feel famous too.  ACK, ACK, ACK – I don’t even know what to say!   Poor Hubby, he has never dealt with this level of crazy and just walks away shaking his head.  Of course, I take EVERY SINGLE MOMENT to rub this in and will call him at random times to find out who he is stalking. 

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween 

 Trick or Treat!

Hubby and I every year attend a Halloween party put on by one of our friends.  Every year, we go as a themed couple.  One year, we were Santa Clause and Santa’s Ho.  It was awesome, my makeup was perfectly smeared across my face and Hubby had a goody bag full of Trojan Magnum’s and Ring Lolly Pop’s.  Last year, Hubby wore his fire turn out’s and I was “Naughty Spotty” – complete with black spots and a cute collar.  As we were walking into the party, I get clipped in the neck.  As I turn to try and figure what the heck was going on, I see that Hubby has clipped a leash on me.  Jackass….but funny!

This year, Hubby came up with a GREAT idea, but a little too late.  He wanted to be Fantasy Island, we me as Tattoo and Hubby as Mr. Roarke.  EPIC!  Alas, the party is Saturday.  So we will be going as lame masquerade people….do you think I can scrounge up two white leisure suits quickly??

It's a good thing that Tattoo and I are the same height!

Biz Snatch Trip

Here it comes......

Yes, that's right!  It's the dirty dose of guess what the bitches did while you were off drinking and galavanting around.  It seems that every time I leave the house for any overnight excursion by myself, one of my girls pukes all over Hubby.  This is such a familiar event in our household that my older daughter told us, “Yep, when Mommy leaves, I totally know that I am going to vomit, I’m just not sure which day I want to do it on.”  Poor Hubby!!  (Snicker, Snicker)

From Wednesday to Friday night, I will be off, flying into the wilds of Bend/Redmond Airport for a fabulous, wonderful, entertaining, twiddle tastic, corporate team building event!!  Can you hear the YA-HOO in my voice?  Oh wait, let me turn it up…woo (snore) hoo.   

Just what I want to do for three days – hang out with some of my peers while we talk about Personal Excellence!!  It makes me want to punch disco ball teeth Tony Robbins and use them as a pretty sparkly necklace for myself!

I’m sure that it will be fun, apparently I hear that we have to do some sort of cardboard boat team building event, punctuated by drinking.  (I’m hoping a lot of drinking, as I will need this to curb my sarcastic nature)

As for dear hubby, he will be stuck with vomiting girls, soccer practice, dinner, laundry, and homework for 3 DAYS!  3 DAYS – can you believe it!!  He still owes me time from when he was in the military and gone all the flippin time!

Wish me luck!

(FYI - I NEED this SHIRT!!)

Pack an extra pair of shoes and your angry eyes...just in CASE PEEPS

So, yeah, sorry about that, it’s been over a month since my last post.  What can I say……ummm…nothing, I missed you guys!

So over the past month, I have let my 10 year old daughter go on a 4 week vacation with my Mom and Dad to Montana.  They stayed on a working cattle ranch that my Dad’s cousin owns, they went to Glacier Park, Yellowstone, Blackfeet Indian Reservation and a whole bunch of other places.    Then we, as a family went on vacation and now we are finally back!

So during my time away, I wanted to share the following observations with you all:

First to my hubby – I wanted to say thanks for always driving, driving me and the girls around, driving the boat, driving me home when I am drunk and in general always driving your daisies around.   I also wanted to thank you for giving me a nose job.  I know it was unexpected, that large wake that came up and scared you but you handled it expertly.  So expertly, that I got a rug burn on my nose along with (2) black eyes.  

Not to mention the gallon of lake water that I drank while choking/laughing through the pain.  I also wanted to thank you for the multiple lake water enemas.   I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to leak from your butt for a week, I swear that tube enemas put olean chips to shame.  

Yep, here is the butt plug tool!

I also wanted to thank you for putting the idea of playing a board game for butt sex into Papa’s head.  Now every time we place Sequence, Mom and I are going to HAVE to win to avoid butt probing….NICE HONEY…NICE!  Also, thanks for pointing out to Papa that he needs the butt plug tool out of the Cabela’s catalog……I can always count on you.  All kidding aside, thanks for always being my rock, even when vacation kicks us in the ass.

To my brother and his BFF Morgan – I wet my pants.  No seriously, I was laughing so hard on the boat because of their “antics” on the tube that I WET MY PANTS.   It’s a good thing I was sitting on my towel and was able to wash off later in the lake.  OMFG….it hurt to laugh that hard.  (Pics below!)  It’s a good thing that they are good with their sexuality and it made it all the more funny, when my girls were like, “oh, that is totally inappropriate”. 

I hate vacation…every vacation starts out like a complete clusterfuck for us.  For instance, two years ago we decided to take our boat to Lake Almanor, during the drive up there our car battery died when we stopped to let the girls go potty.  Fixed that.  Then driving the boat up the steep hill caused our 2001 Dodge Durango to blow a hole in the exhaust system, then the brakes failed as we tried to come to a stop with the boat behind us, then we got a flat tire that required (2) jacks and my hubby almost got pinned under the Durango.  And finally, after driving through Dante’s Inferno (aka Redding) with no AC, some jackass almost killed us as we were driving on a levy road and he tried to pass us on a blind curved 2-laned road.  That trip cost me $50k.  So when the boat didn’t start this trip after we dropped it in the water, you can’t fault me for being Debbie Doomsday!  In the end, they always turn out fun…….(mostly)

kinda looked like this!

I wanted to give a big shout out to the tranny that was smartly dressed in her dress made of plastic garbage bags, with her tube socks and high heels.  Her big pink beach bag totally complemented the black plastic and the wig and 1950’s horn rimmed glasses were just spot on.  I also like the fact that she stopped in the cross walk to blow me a kiss.  Made my day.

For the homeless guy yesterday that was mad that I didn't give him money, the fact that you licked my drivers side window to show that you were pissed was fucking HI-larious!

To the “lady” in the cross walk in the Castro yesterday that showed me her tongue can quite easily fit between her two fingers, you made me snarf my Diet Pepsi.  And while I was not prepared for your act to either (1) capture on my phone or (2) come back with a witty gesture, I am very upset at you.  You see, I was wearing a white shirt, and the diet Pepsi stains did not go so well with my sweater set as I was heading to my meeting.

Fucking Google has EVERYTHING

To the “young lady” that was walking down the street with her underwear exposed through the bottom of her “dress”.  I take issue with you chickadee!  And it is not because of your dress, no no no Missy, I take issue with the hand print tattoos that you had on the backs of your thighs.  Now, I am sure that they were just for placement effect so that the boys know where to grab as you are doing it doggy style, but really….my eyes are burning.

Another big ol’ shoutout goes to the lady in the Baseball complex bathroom last night.  As I walk my 7-year old in the bathroom while hubby is playing, my smart ass little kid says REALLY loud.  “OMG, it totally stinks like butt in here, do they NOT know how to pre-flush”  As the lady exited the stall and ran into my kid, she totally gave me the evil eye.  Granted my kid was holding her nose and give the lady the evil eye back, I found this incredibly amusing.  Jackass, you are taking a SHIT – you do NOT SHIT roses.  You stink.(And not like mothballs, Nat)

I would also like to commend my smart ass 7 year old for the proper use of a word.  She properly executed the use of the word, “SHAW” while speaking to an adult who totally asked her a stupid question.  The “SHAW” was complete with eye roll and look of disgust at said adult for asking her such a lame question.  Now, I don’t condone this behavior and she did get in trouble, but holy shit it was incredibly funny.

Also – T-shirt Hell notified me of a few new shirts so ENJOY!!!

How sexting turned into waterboarding

I am one very lucky girl, and I know it.  After 11 years of marriage, 14 years of sleeping with only each other and 2 hell raisin’ girl children, I still have a husband that humps my back every time I bend over.

And something even better, he still rocks my world.  Now, I am not saying that we don’t bicker, or that we don’t pick on each other, but outside of that…….he is the best around.

The most amusing parts of my day are the random texts that I get from him…..

(Note:  Every picture here..hubby texted me along with Cosmo’s brief synopsis of what the position involved, if you are interested…here is the link Cosmos's Bringing Sexy Back)

One day, he texted me this picture of the sexy sprinkler, you see, he thinks that is it is the fucking funniest thing ever to text me these pictures from Cosmo.  He says that the reason why (1) he is all about making sure that the O’s are the best, and (2) he’s just checkin in to see what new spicy spicy thoughts might help him get laid.  (Not that I don’t mind….until the drowning)

Sexy Sprinkler – Where you bend over outside, fingers touching your toes, apparently you are to INHALE the fresh grass because it heightens your sensations, and you are to do the humpy humpy right over the sprinkler so that it can hit you in the clit.  My luck, I would water board myself while sniffing the wet grass that is covered in dog poo, while my dogs run around like mad outside trying to figure out how to get in on the action.

Then there was the couch-canoodle.  See, I have this issue about butt juice on the leather.  I don’t want your naked ass or my naked ass, or any other naked parts touching the couch that I lay on to watch TV. 

So he sent me head game and I reminded him that I am a midget

So he sent me the lusty leg lift, and my reply was, “hellllooooo…was my Willow status not obvious???” Dude, you would be so poking my belly button.

Then there was the love triangle – it just hurts me looking at this one, I mean, I am flexible…but not dat flexible!  I feel like this is one of those ink blot test...I feel like I failed the insert tab A into Slot B quiz.

Mover and shaker…not bad….not bad

Now the pleasure pick me up….just sounds like a bad jamba juice drink.

Oh Oh OH, how about the Standing Tiger…crouching dragon….hmmm…maybe I could get behind that one (hardee har har)

The Octopus – just looks like too much arm work.

And last but not least…the Dirty Dangle (yes that is what Cosmo called it) Apparently it’s good for deep thrusting but not so good for deep thoughts as all the blood will be pumping to your head.  Cosmo says that this enhances the pleasure, but what good is the dirty dangle gonna do if I pass out….never mind honey don’t answer that!

But keep sending them baby, because I love you!

E is for Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie has to be one of my favorite sayings.  

One that I actually am able to share with my girls, anytime we say that something is easy…you have to say, “Oh, that is totally easy peasy lemon squeezie!”  

Of course, this is just my rated “P” for parent’s version of easy.  (Bitches, you thought I was going to say “P” for porn….yeah….get your mind out of the Skinamax gutter!  P-U-H-L-E-A-S-E) 

Seriously, who watches Busty Cops?  Or Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and who can pass up the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad?  Ummm…Errr…I don’t know how I know these titles, I, uh, I totally googled it…yeah…that is the ticket!

Like for instance, you could say that something is as easy as a $20 Ho.  Well, let’s say that you take on that ho with your Jackson, that seems easy, right?  Not so fast there (well, it probably was fast for $20)  You probably are going to spend a lot more money getting rid of all the medical gifts that you received during that transaction.  Not so easy now that you had to break into your penicillin bank.  

That’s right brain-e-ack, you just sit back and keep penichillin’ with your bad self.

Anyhoo, back to easy, did you ever notice that when something is easy, it really is never easy. 

Let’s take home projects for example.  You know, when you consider yourself a handyman (and for you punks, it’s not the Urban Dictionary Handyman – that’s eww)  And you tell your new wife to help you snap a chalk line (because, hell, that’s easy) and she picks up the chalk line and drops it back down on the ground.  You, of course, as the supportive male then patiently show her how to do it, RIIGGHHTT…because it’s EASY.  No, instead to this day, you snort and laugh every time you ask her to do some “easy” construction task.  “Honey, it’s so easy, it’s like snapping chalk lines…wait…..ha ha ha…let me show you.”

Or easy, like the time that you sent your wife down the caulk and paint aisle at Home Depot and told her to pick up a tube of caulk for the bathtub.  (ohmygod, just repeating this story makes me laugh) And you leave her in the caulk aisle, your juvenile minded wife, in the busy Home Depot caulk aisle.  And you’re wife is surrounded by caulk, not knowing which one to pick, and your response…it’s easy. 

 Yeah, I admit it….rows of caulk confuse me.  

So, there is your wife, lost in a sea of caulk, and you wander further down the aisle, which means that you totally deserve what happens next.  Easy task, huh, so your wife…grabs some caulk and starts reading.  The reading turns into snorting and the snorting turns into tears, and then your loud mouth wife bellows at you down the crowded caulk aisle, “Hey honey, HOOONNNEEEYYYYYYYYY, Did you know that you can’t put caulk in a butt joint??”  Easysauce you say, I’ll show you.

Or when you try to make your own furniture, and your beautiful very pregnant wife turns to you and says, “Fuck me, you have the measurements all wrong, this coffee table is for midgets now”  (Sidebar, I made $20 off that thing at a yard sale).  But is EASY.

Or the first time on your brand new boat.  So smart to take your 3 year old and newborn and crazy pyscho paranoid wife who just gave birth and is riding the wave of massive hormones out for an “EASY” ride on the water.  Yeah, EASY.    So easy that when you told her to drop out the anchor, you totally forgot to tell her to wait until you killed the engine so that the anchor rope wasn’t sucked up under the boat and into the jet engine. 

Don’t give me that look jackass, you said to throw out the anchor!  

Maybe, just maybe you should have been paying attention to all of the waterway landmarks so that we can figure how the hell we are going to get back.  That “EASY” day turned into 6 hours of boating back on one engine back to our boat dock.

Or the time that you said you would take it “EASY” on your sister and me when we were on the tube.  Did easy mean that you spun us around so fast that your sister skipped across the water like a drunken Barbie doll and tore her taint?  NO….that wasn’t EASY!  I had to wear a pad for like a week to get all the lake water out!

My new rule of thumb, if it’s EASY, something will go wrong (everything except for my hubby, because without him life wouldn't be so much fun!)