Dear Twatbagders.....suck it

Yes, I’m talking about you.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry, I didn’t mean you (you who are reading my blog, I know you guys are cool)  

I am talking about those asshats in the general public that we have to deal with all the time.

You, sirs, to coin a phrase from  Noa , are insufferable members of society.  

Let’s take a little test shall we to see if you find that you run into these twatbadgers while YOU are being a productive member of society.

I am thinking of forming a new club and calling it, “WAPAT”  Short for Women Against Pretentious Ass Twats. 

 I was thinking about calling it mother’s against pretentious ass twats, but just because we are Mom’s doesn’t mean that we cut out the vagina when we cut the cord.

So....let's begin the WAPAT checklist

At the park, do the other Mom’s avoid you because you let your child get dirty?  Or because you are not obsessively screaming their name and telling them how to play.    Yes?  JOIN WAPAT 

Do you get the evil eye when you are drinking your wine box juice box at sporting events (soccer games, baseball games, picnic events, farmers market outings, school plays – for those I use my “coffee” mug)  Yes, JOIN WAPAT

Do you get the hair toss when you don’t obsessively talk about how much your husband makes, what FAB-U-LOUS vacation you are going on next, or debating the merits of the next hybrid SUV vs. your new Volvo SUV.  Yes, fucking come join WAPAT

Did you get the raspy growl of disapproval when mentioning that you are going to get drunk with your fellow WAPAT’s and go heckle Magic Mike?  Fuck you bitch, I’m gonna do some seriously heckling and cat calling at Magic Mike.

Do you take close and personal shots of yourself and then go an retouch them with instagram before posting on Facebook with the tag…..beautiful…..naturally.  Yeah, jackass you are still taking a picture with your phone you twatipster .  Yep, you fucking can NOT be part of WAPAT. 

Do you find yourself in a crowd of people who like to educate you on how you should think??  Yes??  Then you can absolutely join WAPAT.  Our motto is….while we think you are one cool ass shizzle bitch, we can agree to disagree. 

Do you find yourself frowning over the whiney ass kids today and their fucking over tolerant parent….fucking join WAPAT – where we believe that losing sporting events and not giving trophies to everyone should be the norm.  It’s called losing…..get used to it.  That is why victory taste so good, because it doesn’t happen all the time you TWATS.

Do you frown at people who use words like Fuck, Twat, Twatwaffle, Twat Badger, girl wood, reverse Mormon, douchecanoe, anus cracker, wee jobby, oh I could go on forever.  If you frown…there is no entry.  No WAPAT for you!

If you tell your child, or anyone else’s child that the drink you are holding is a Daddy Soda or Mommy drink….automatic entry.

If you believe in the Zombie Apocalpyse….in a funny and humorous way and not in the Doomsday Preppers Way….You are a shoe in!!

If you like being an armchair activist and putting out calls to arms on your blog and/or Facebook, you cannot join.  Mostly because you probably are a patchouli smelling douchebag and it’s my club…so na na na na.

If you are Weenie’s classmates reading Sla’s blog, you are automatically included.   Only if she says you are cool, because I have heard some stories about you crazies!!!  Kidding….kidding !!  Keep up the good work so that you can take care of my aging parts.  I will require your assistance one day with the “jazzling”  and you fuckers better be smart.

So in closing…..While WAPAT is still in early formation, I will be closely  reviewing your application and if I don’t like you, you can’t join.  (kidding, no I’m not, well maybe I am, …well…kinda, sorta…more than likely)

And in other random news, I want to share with you the picture of my dog.  He is on his way to get “tutored”.  Yep, he is going to get his balled snipped off.  Which is a good thing because those things are so fucking shiny and in your face that they need to go.  Also, my girls keep asking questions about his shiny balls and lipstick that I am having trouble answering without snickering and using potty language.

Ahh, whose gonna get their balls cut off....whose gonna...don't look at me if your gonna....

E is for Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie has to be one of my favorite sayings.  

One that I actually am able to share with my girls, anytime we say that something is easy…you have to say, “Oh, that is totally easy peasy lemon squeezie!”  

Of course, this is just my rated “P” for parent’s version of easy.  (Bitches, you thought I was going to say “P” for porn….yeah….get your mind out of the Skinamax gutter!  P-U-H-L-E-A-S-E) 

Seriously, who watches Busty Cops?  Or Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and who can pass up the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad?  Ummm…Errr…I don’t know how I know these titles, I, uh, I totally googled it…yeah…that is the ticket!

Like for instance, you could say that something is as easy as a $20 Ho.  Well, let’s say that you take on that ho with your Jackson, that seems easy, right?  Not so fast there (well, it probably was fast for $20)  You probably are going to spend a lot more money getting rid of all the medical gifts that you received during that transaction.  Not so easy now that you had to break into your penicillin bank.  

That’s right brain-e-ack, you just sit back and keep penichillin’ with your bad self.

Anyhoo, back to easy, did you ever notice that when something is easy, it really is never easy. 

Let’s take home projects for example.  You know, when you consider yourself a handyman (and for you punks, it’s not the Urban Dictionary Handyman – that’s eww)  And you tell your new wife to help you snap a chalk line (because, hell, that’s easy) and she picks up the chalk line and drops it back down on the ground.  You, of course, as the supportive male then patiently show her how to do it, RIIGGHHTT…because it’s EASY.  No, instead to this day, you snort and laugh every time you ask her to do some “easy” construction task.  “Honey, it’s so easy, it’s like snapping chalk lines…wait…..ha ha ha…let me show you.”

Or easy, like the time that you sent your wife down the caulk and paint aisle at Home Depot and told her to pick up a tube of caulk for the bathtub.  (ohmygod, just repeating this story makes me laugh) And you leave her in the caulk aisle, your juvenile minded wife, in the busy Home Depot caulk aisle.  And you’re wife is surrounded by caulk, not knowing which one to pick, and your response…it’s easy. 

 Yeah, I admit it….rows of caulk confuse me.  

So, there is your wife, lost in a sea of caulk, and you wander further down the aisle, which means that you totally deserve what happens next.  Easy task, huh, so your wife…grabs some caulk and starts reading.  The reading turns into snorting and the snorting turns into tears, and then your loud mouth wife bellows at you down the crowded caulk aisle, “Hey honey, HOOONNNEEEYYYYYYYYY, Did you know that you can’t put caulk in a butt joint??”  Easysauce you say, I’ll show you.

Or when you try to make your own furniture, and your beautiful very pregnant wife turns to you and says, “Fuck me, you have the measurements all wrong, this coffee table is for midgets now”  (Sidebar, I made $20 off that thing at a yard sale).  But is EASY.

Or the first time on your brand new boat.  So smart to take your 3 year old and newborn and crazy pyscho paranoid wife who just gave birth and is riding the wave of massive hormones out for an “EASY” ride on the water.  Yeah, EASY.    So easy that when you told her to drop out the anchor, you totally forgot to tell her to wait until you killed the engine so that the anchor rope wasn’t sucked up under the boat and into the jet engine. 

Don’t give me that look jackass, you said to throw out the anchor!  

Maybe, just maybe you should have been paying attention to all of the waterway landmarks so that we can figure how the hell we are going to get back.  That “EASY” day turned into 6 hours of boating back on one engine back to our boat dock.

Or the time that you said you would take it “EASY” on your sister and me when we were on the tube.  Did easy mean that you spun us around so fast that your sister skipped across the water like a drunken Barbie doll and tore her taint?  NO….that wasn’t EASY!  I had to wear a pad for like a week to get all the lake water out!

My new rule of thumb, if it’s EASY, something will go wrong (everything except for my hubby, because without him life wouldn't be so much fun!)