E is for Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie has to be one of my favorite sayings.  

One that I actually am able to share with my girls, anytime we say that something is easy…you have to say, “Oh, that is totally easy peasy lemon squeezie!”  

Of course, this is just my rated “P” for parent’s version of easy.  (Bitches, you thought I was going to say “P” for porn….yeah….get your mind out of the Skinamax gutter!  P-U-H-L-E-A-S-E) 

Seriously, who watches Busty Cops?  Or Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and who can pass up the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad?  Ummm…Errr…I don’t know how I know these titles, I, uh, I totally googled it…yeah…that is the ticket!

Like for instance, you could say that something is as easy as a $20 Ho.  Well, let’s say that you take on that ho with your Jackson, that seems easy, right?  Not so fast there (well, it probably was fast for $20)  You probably are going to spend a lot more money getting rid of all the medical gifts that you received during that transaction.  Not so easy now that you had to break into your penicillin bank.  

That’s right brain-e-ack, you just sit back and keep penichillin’ with your bad self.

Anyhoo, back to easy, did you ever notice that when something is easy, it really is never easy. 

Let’s take home projects for example.  You know, when you consider yourself a handyman (and for you punks, it’s not the Urban Dictionary Handyman – that’s eww)  And you tell your new wife to help you snap a chalk line (because, hell, that’s easy) and she picks up the chalk line and drops it back down on the ground.  You, of course, as the supportive male then patiently show her how to do it, RIIGGHHTT…because it’s EASY.  No, instead to this day, you snort and laugh every time you ask her to do some “easy” construction task.  “Honey, it’s so easy, it’s like snapping chalk lines…wait…..ha ha ha…let me show you.”

Or easy, like the time that you sent your wife down the caulk and paint aisle at Home Depot and told her to pick up a tube of caulk for the bathtub.  (ohmygod, just repeating this story makes me laugh) And you leave her in the caulk aisle, your juvenile minded wife, in the busy Home Depot caulk aisle.  And you’re wife is surrounded by caulk, not knowing which one to pick, and your response…it’s easy. 

 Yeah, I admit it….rows of caulk confuse me.  

So, there is your wife, lost in a sea of caulk, and you wander further down the aisle, which means that you totally deserve what happens next.  Easy task, huh, so your wife…grabs some caulk and starts reading.  The reading turns into snorting and the snorting turns into tears, and then your loud mouth wife bellows at you down the crowded caulk aisle, “Hey honey, HOOONNNEEEYYYYYYYYY, Did you know that you can’t put caulk in a butt joint??”  Easysauce you say, I’ll show you.

Or when you try to make your own furniture, and your beautiful very pregnant wife turns to you and says, “Fuck me, you have the measurements all wrong, this coffee table is for midgets now”  (Sidebar, I made $20 off that thing at a yard sale).  But is EASY.

Or the first time on your brand new boat.  So smart to take your 3 year old and newborn and crazy pyscho paranoid wife who just gave birth and is riding the wave of massive hormones out for an “EASY” ride on the water.  Yeah, EASY.    So easy that when you told her to drop out the anchor, you totally forgot to tell her to wait until you killed the engine so that the anchor rope wasn’t sucked up under the boat and into the jet engine. 

Don’t give me that look jackass, you said to throw out the anchor!  

Maybe, just maybe you should have been paying attention to all of the waterway landmarks so that we can figure how the hell we are going to get back.  That “EASY” day turned into 6 hours of boating back on one engine back to our boat dock.

Or the time that you said you would take it “EASY” on your sister and me when we were on the tube.  Did easy mean that you spun us around so fast that your sister skipped across the water like a drunken Barbie doll and tore her taint?  NO….that wasn’t EASY!  I had to wear a pad for like a week to get all the lake water out!

My new rule of thumb, if it’s EASY, something will go wrong (everything except for my hubby, because without him life wouldn't be so much fun!)