"X" is for Xrated

Do you ever speak X rated?? 

I don’t know about you, maybe it is just me and all the people that I hang out with, but our BBQ talk seems to devolve.

You know, I have always wanted to have one of those BBQ’s, where we wear little polo shirts and polo skirts and there is white linen and crystal wine glasses to sip from.  

Where music is gently playing in the background, children are minded by all of their own nannies so that the adults can have hi-flutin’ conversations.  

Discussions about the state of the economy, whether or not your Rolls Royce is stocked with Grey Poupon, the cost of domestic help, how my 1% salary can influence small countries. 

You know, shit like that.

Instead, most of my BBQ’s look something like this.

Conversations revolve around how fake titties really feel.

Pictures that are taken involve showing us your drink and your gang sign of 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink.   

What have you ever pulled out of someone’s ass (remember most of my friends are either cops or firemen)

The grossest dead body that you have ever seen

Old people in nighties rubbing against you

Taking pictures of the size of your shit to show your friends, cause, Dude it was EPIC – it breached out of the water.

Can you really spin a midget on your penis?

Regurgitation of what space docking, Portuguese breakfast, goatse, and other strange internet phenomena’s.  Also, you must Google and then show said BBQ friends on your iPhone.  (Note to blog readers:  DO NOT ATTEMPT, ONCE LEARNED, IT CAN NOT BE UNLEARED)

Why stretchy vagina’s leak and with that the art of bling bling’ing your hoo hoo.

The shows with people’s strange addictions, real dolls, and what type of vibrators you own.  (Note to party friends – Bringing out said appliances is NOT socially acceptable) 

Why people like to pretend to be horses, have naked people saddle them and ride them.  (Personal thoughts – I don’t like to get dusty naked)

Making techno music noises why you show me your best stripper pole dancing impersonation (and no, this is not the girls doing this)

Also bringing out your old furrbie costume to show me you still have mad skills kind of ewws me out.  I do NOT want to feel how soft it is and really the crusty patches made me kind of vom in my mouth!

After writing all of this out, I think I will take the X rated parties – at least I know here my bellowing out F-U-C-K will be answered back with a I’ll beer ‘ya call.

(PS - Newt if you are reading this, I promise (hand to God) to not blog his name or take pictures if you will invite him over.  I've got serious questions that need to be answered)

F is for the best F*CKING word....you know, Friday.

Ah, the best word around.  The one word that you can use in almost any fashion to convey almost any emotion.  And since today is Friday, I am going to steal Nat's Naturally Inappropriate and Paula’s “Fuck you Friday” theme. 

This is special day where we all get to rant about the lovely fuckers that have made our week so fucking fantastic.  And since Fuck you Friday is essentially dedicated to those who comment; let’s hear who has made your week screw the Fuckerpooch.

To help you out a little, I will start you off with some of the best ways Fuck has been used:

"What the "FUCK" do you mean, we are sinking?!" -Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 

"What the "FUCK" was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 

"Where did all those "FUCKING" Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 

"Any "FUCKING" idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 

"It does so "FUCKING" look like her!" -Picasso, 1926 

"How the FUCK did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 

"You want what on the "FUCKING" ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566 

"Where the "FUCK" are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937 

"Scattered "FUCKING" showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC 

"Aw c'mon. Who the "FUCK" is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1998 

"FUCK, I didn't think they'd get this "FUCKING" mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

“FUCK", I’m dead.” – Osama Bin Laden, 2011

That being said, I will start us off…..

Fuck you to this driver.  You fucking fuckity fuck, when I am driving behind you on a dark back road don’t fucking slam on your brakes and almost overturn to maneuver around a gaggle of wild turkeys.  Fucking hit those bitches and save a Pilgrim.  God DAMN.

Fuck you bitches in BIC CHAT, I could have gone the rest of my life without learning about Space Docking.  Once learned, it cannot be un done.  And fuck you to my co-workers that made me explain what I was laughing so hard about, my face is still red.

Fuck you to these tunnel drivers…IT’S A FUCKING TUNNEL….you don’t need to get all wiggity just because you are going through a tunnel.

Fuck you and suck it to those parents that have not responded to my daughter’s birthday party.  I invite her entire class (ALL FUCKING 36 OF YOUR WHINEY BITCHY ASS KIDS) and you can’t afford me the common courtesy to RSVP back so that I know whether or not I have to buy pizza for 36 kids and their parents or 12.  I hate all of you fuckerschmidts, I want to fuckerstomp you all the way to Fuckertown, but then you wouldn’t come to the party with your little fuckertwats and I would have fucker’s remorse that my kid would be sad. 

Word.