"X" is for Xrated

Do you ever speak X rated?? 

I don’t know about you, maybe it is just me and all the people that I hang out with, but our BBQ talk seems to devolve.

You know, I have always wanted to have one of those BBQ’s, where we wear little polo shirts and polo skirts and there is white linen and crystal wine glasses to sip from.  

Where music is gently playing in the background, children are minded by all of their own nannies so that the adults can have hi-flutin’ conversations.  

Discussions about the state of the economy, whether or not your Rolls Royce is stocked with Grey Poupon, the cost of domestic help, how my 1% salary can influence small countries. 

You know, shit like that.

Instead, most of my BBQ’s look something like this.

Conversations revolve around how fake titties really feel.

Pictures that are taken involve showing us your drink and your gang sign of 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink.   

What have you ever pulled out of someone’s ass (remember most of my friends are either cops or firemen)

The grossest dead body that you have ever seen

Old people in nighties rubbing against you

Taking pictures of the size of your shit to show your friends, cause, Dude it was EPIC – it breached out of the water.

Can you really spin a midget on your penis?

Regurgitation of what space docking, Portuguese breakfast, goatse, and other strange internet phenomena’s.  Also, you must Google and then show said BBQ friends on your iPhone.  (Note to blog readers:  DO NOT ATTEMPT, ONCE LEARNED, IT CAN NOT BE UNLEARED)

Why stretchy vagina’s leak and with that the art of bling bling’ing your hoo hoo.

The shows with people’s strange addictions, real dolls, and what type of vibrators you own.  (Note to party friends – Bringing out said appliances is NOT socially acceptable) 

Why people like to pretend to be horses, have naked people saddle them and ride them.  (Personal thoughts – I don’t like to get dusty naked)

Making techno music noises why you show me your best stripper pole dancing impersonation (and no, this is not the girls doing this)

Also bringing out your old furrbie costume to show me you still have mad skills kind of ewws me out.  I do NOT want to feel how soft it is and really the crusty patches made me kind of vom in my mouth!

After writing all of this out, I think I will take the X rated parties – at least I know here my bellowing out F-U-C-K will be answered back with a I’ll beer ‘ya call.

(PS - Newt if you are reading this, I promise (hand to God) to not blog his name or take pictures if you will invite him over.  I've got serious questions that need to be answered)

Questions.....I've got 'em!

I’ve got questions…..questions that don’t necessarily need to be answered, but if you’ve got the time and/or inclination, please help a bitch out.

Or, if you’ve got questions, maybe I can help you answer them.  See, do you see what I just did here; I just created a win-win situation for us both!  Damn, I am so smart.  (PS – It’s all the smarties that I stole out of my children’s candy baskets at Halloween, they are just kickin’ in!)

Get Outta the road Turkey

First, I want to know why that damn gaggle of turkeys is stalking me.  Every damn day, EVERY day, as I travel down the dark stretch of back road that is the first part of my commute, they are there.  I know this; I just know that those muthafuckers wait until I hit that curve at 50 miles an hour and they jump out in front of me.  See, I think it’s a game that they like to play with me; I call the game Thanksgiving dinner.  One of these days I am going to hit one of those bastards and stuff ‘em for dinner. 

Wear the hat Dwight, wear the hat

Why do Dwight Yoakum’s songs make my hips wiggle, but his face makes me put on a chastity belt?

For the love of all that is holy, when will my boobs stop aching when small babies cry?  I stopped breastfeeding over six years ago and the minute I am around one shrill crying infant my boobs totally swell up and ache….I am not a fuckin cow, I do not make milk on demand…stop crying!!!

                       Proof

Speaking of cows, we are all in agreement here…there are no questions…they ARE ALIENS…if you don’t believe……click here…..See...see they are REALLY ALIENS

Damn ears

Why does my husband undermine my spank bank?  Every time I mention I think that someone is cute, he slyly points out something to me….that guy on the Sci Fi series Stargate Atlantis…not the moobie one, but the other one…I mentioned that he was cute, and then hubby said, “Did you ever look at his ears, they are pointed, maybe he is part elf”  GODDAMNIT HUBBY….now every time I look at him all I focus on are his Spock like ears.

Why do my muscle relaxer pills say that I can take (3) in one day.  Because I two (2) within six hours of each other and I became a zombie.  Yep, that is right, a zombie…no higher brain function, drooling on myself, falling down (more so than normal you bitches) and the ability to speak in tongues.  All I was missing was the stigmata and I could have heralded the end of the world.

Did you eat poo, did YOU??, see he wont look me in the eye!

Why does my pure bred dog eat shit?  This is the first dog that we have ever purchased from a breeder (the rest of our dogs we gotten through rescue’s).  This dog, all expensive like, is one step below my zombie relaxed self….

Why do my children feel the need to hold my boobies up when they stand in front of me?  It’s not like I am not wearing a supportive bra, I am trying to keep them up you little bitches, the fact that you constantly let me know that gravity is just around the corner does not help mommy’s mood or make me want to buy you shit.

Why does Justice clothing market slutty clothing to my girls??  Both they and Old Navy – no my babies do not need string bikinis and flashdance ripped up shirts. 

Why are you wearing your Juicy sweat outfits jogging?  Shit you not, just yesterday I saw this lady (pretending to jog, but really walking) and she was decked out in her bling bling juicy track suit, complete with full make up, and hair in a high pony.  She smiled at my husband, but she got this evil scowling look when she saw me.  Ha ha, you read my blog….twatwaffle.

Why is my friend Jenn so afraid of midgets?  This is unknown, so to help her out I have collected the following t-shirts that I am going to give her:

Just in case there was a question

Jenn - ask for more INFO

Jenn - isn't your favorite color blue??

See Jenn - they would be the perfect height

Jenn - you always dreamed about firemen

BWWAAAAA

Mr T looks so cool

Think of how tall we would be Jenn!!

You've got questions??  Hit me up, maybe I could help you out!!

Vagina.....table for two, and why yes my t-shirt does say pussy

“Would you like to see my two vaginas?”  Yep, you heard me.  It's a new party ice breaker according to Hazel Jones.................

And I'm not afraid to show you-show you

Jazzy Hazel Vaj-jay Jones says that she is “quite happy to show you” her dominant right vagina and the pencil thin left one.  That’s right peeps, she has two vaginas, two cervixes and two uteruses….uterus diddly-do-do or if you want the technical term, it’s “uterus didelphys” 

When I told hubby about this, he said, “Wow, exciting, a place for your dick and your hands”.  This could be great for girls (like me) who think that the pooper shoot is one way, going out.  I know some of you ladies and gent's like it - but my preference is no, thank you.  Hubby keeps saying that as I near 40 I might change my mind, but that is highly doubtful.  And yes, Jenn, why I say no to butt sex because hilarity does not ensue - I say yes to my USB port Lelo Gigi Pleasure object.  Yes, that is right.....pleasure object.  Check out the reviews at Freddy and Eddy

Freddy and Eddy

As for the double vaggies , I just wonder, if you cycle around yourself?  Or have double bread making (that’s what we call yeast infections) Think of the wind instruments you could play between the vag gas and the butt gas.  As a side note, my 6-year old ripped the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard, then turns to me and says….”Holy Guacamole, Mom, my bucksnort ricochet through my pee-pee”.  Klassy….we are klassy.

And now a new collection of my favorite t-shirts:

Pyro Ass

Or anything on my face, I will stab you

Don't make me cap your ass bitch

Douche-tastic

And stabbings

Head, Pants NOW

No

And wives don't swallow

I'm bringing sexy back

Just one time, I want to see the guy wearing this

Jenn - I bought this for you

For Easy, duh

This is whatz happenin on Saturday