Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The shizzle that is said

I just had to write a quick post to share with you all the funny shizzle that came out of my co-workers mouths today....

What do you need to have an intelligent conversation? - said by one co-worker on the phone to a vendor...fucking HIlarious!

If you can't pull your own head out, then I can't even begin to help you. - said by co-worker Sarah to one of her subcontractors.

If you call me baby one more time, I am going to reach through this phone and twist your balls so tight that you will rival Justin Bieber on even his most pubescent days.  - co worker that will remain anonymous since she was so pissed I think the comment was involuntary!

Back soon peeps...back soon!  I am still recovering from the weekend!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How sexting turned into waterboarding

I am one very lucky girl, and I know it.  After 11 years of marriage, 14 years of sleeping with only each other and 2 hell raisin’ girl children, I still have a husband that humps my back every time I bend over.

And something even better, he still rocks my world.  Now, I am not saying that we don’t bicker, or that we don’t pick on each other, but outside of that…….he is the best around.

The most amusing parts of my day are the random texts that I get from him…..

(Note:  Every picture here..hubby texted me along with Cosmo’s brief synopsis of what the position involved, if you are interested…here is the link Cosmos's Bringing Sexy Back)

One day, he texted me this picture of the sexy sprinkler, you see, he thinks that is it is the fucking funniest thing ever to text me these pictures from Cosmo.  He says that the reason why (1) he is all about making sure that the O’s are the best, and (2) he’s just checkin in to see what new spicy spicy thoughts might help him get laid.  (Not that I don’t mind….until the drowning)

Sexy Sprinkler – Where you bend over outside, fingers touching your toes, apparently you are to INHALE the fresh grass because it heightens your sensations, and you are to do the humpy humpy right over the sprinkler so that it can hit you in the clit.  My luck, I would water board myself while sniffing the wet grass that is covered in dog poo, while my dogs run around like mad outside trying to figure out how to get in on the action.

Then there was the couch-canoodle.  See, I have this issue about butt juice on the leather.  I don’t want your naked ass or my naked ass, or any other naked parts touching the couch that I lay on to watch TV. 

So he sent me head game and I reminded him that I am a midget

So he sent me the lusty leg lift, and my reply was, “hellllooooo…was my Willow status not obvious???” Dude, you would be so poking my belly button.

Then there was the love triangle – it just hurts me looking at this one, I mean, I am flexible…but not dat flexible!  I feel like this is one of those ink blot test...I feel like I failed the insert tab A into Slot B quiz.

Mover and shaker…not bad….not bad

Now the pleasure pick me up….just sounds like a bad jamba juice drink.

Oh Oh OH, how about the Standing Tiger…crouching dragon….hmmm…maybe I could get behind that one (hardee har har)

The Octopus – just looks like too much arm work.

And last but not least…the Dirty Dangle (yes that is what Cosmo called it) Apparently it’s good for deep thrusting but not so good for deep thoughts as all the blood will be pumping to your head.  Cosmo says that this enhances the pleasure, but what good is the dirty dangle gonna do if I pass out….never mind honey don’t answer that!

But keep sending them baby, because I love you!

Monday, May 21, 2012

I can make your skin glow, 'cause I am a saint, Y'all!

Did you know??  Did YA Did YA??  This is awesome!

My brother sent me this picture, it's perfecto for a few reasons....

One...you have ask for assistance to reach me.  Seriously, I would need assistance to reach myself!  I can see how this would go down in the grocery store...umm..hello....can you help me reach myself!  Oh MY GOD, I just might have to do this and take pictures of the reactions.

Note to all - if you drink me...let me know how I taste!

Oh yes, I can go on FOREVER!

Company Overview

Jana natural mineral water is a 7,000 year-old secret of nature nestled amongst the St. Jana hills. Silky smooth taste, pristine purity and perfectly balanced mineral composition are what make Jana our source of life.
Jana natural mineral water was a well-kept secret for thousands of years in an 800-metre-deep well amongst the hills of St. Jana.

Jana’s origin stems from a time of totally unpolluted nature, before anything we know today. It was kept well protected under layers of mineral rocks, gradually filtered and naturally enriched with minerals. 

Jana is characterized by a silky smooth taste, perfectly balanced ratio of calcium and magnesium and a pH value of 7.4, equal to the pH value of our blood. Such natural balance makes Jana a perfect part of a healthy lifestyle. Among other minerals, Jana also contains silica, an essential trace element responsible for our skin’s healthy glow. 

Nowadays, when we do not have so much time to take care of ourselves, it is good to know that there is always a piece of untouched nature that can, indeed, be with us at any moment. With each opening of natural and pure Jana water, its pristine values truly become a part of us.

Become a part of me...truly...LOL

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Beware the vagina apocalypse

GAAAAAAA…….it’s starting!

Vagina gate has officially entered our household.  

It was actually really appropriate that the first blog that I read this morning was Oh Noa’s blog (Vagina Pinata's) about throwing  a party when your daughter travels that mysterious road from being a cute little elementary school kid to one that is “swollen with evil, starts rotting, and the devil then takes them as a toxic vessel for his purpose”  

Otherwise known as the trip from girl to “womanhood”. 

AWW Baby

Last night, my 9 year old (almost 10) started screaming in the shower.  As I made a mad dash up the stairs screaming, “What’s wrong, what’s happening!!!”  I get to the door and hear this, “OMG 

(she actually says O-M-G) 

Mom, I have HAIR on my pee-pee!  I am thinking to myself, pffttt right….it’s just those soft downy baby hairs that most of them have all over their bodies.  You know, the cute stuff that makes them look all angelic and sweet and young.  No…it wasn’t.  It was a very sparse chemo kitty collection of wiry dark hair that has cropped up all over her crotch. 

I drew a picture of chemo kitty below for you all!

I am not ready for this, I am just not.  I am too young, I am too pretty, I am too afraid that they will cycle along with me and we will tip the balance of the universe with our axis of evil bitchiness.  

This will then catapult my younger daughter to rapidly enter the realm of “womanhood” and bring about the apocalypse with her menstrual anger.   I can barely contain myself, how the hell am I going to cope with the holy trifecta of gangsta vaginal anger?

What will selling cookies be like next year??

It’s bad enough that she has boobs.  Little baby booby lites that need trapping in a band aid bra, which I have to admit that I tell every family member just to cement her teenage angst against me.  

Oh, Auntie Lauren, did you see that Baby Girl has boobies now?  Aren’t they just so cute…quick baby, raise your arms so that everyone can see how cute your little boobies are!

Of course, I am exaggerating (kinda, sorta….umm…yeah)  and is it not bad enough that I have to remind them about personal odor and wiping.  But now, I have to instruct them on the use of tampons and the importance of cleaning the massive bloody mess that your crotch becomes during this time??  I can’t even get them to wipe their asses!

purchase by the case baby..by the case

I will need wine, fuck that shit, I will need ever clear to withstand this Def Con Monstration.  

And no, I will not be throwing a red tent party. 

Oh yeah, if you got any HABO (Help a Bitch Out) advice…..I wouldn’t turn you down.