Vagina gate has officially entered our household.
It was actually really appropriate that the first blog that I read this morning was Oh Noa’s blog (Vagina Pinata's) about throwing a party when your daughter travels that mysterious road from being a cute little elementary school kid to one that is “swollen with evil, starts rotting, and the devil then takes them as a toxic vessel for his purpose”
Otherwise known as the trip from girl to “womanhood”.
Last night, my 9 year old (almost 10) started screaming in the shower. As I made a mad dash up the stairs screaming, “What’s wrong, what’s happening!!!” I get to the door and hear this, “OMG
(she actually says O-M-G)
Mom, I have HAIR on my pee-pee! I am thinking to myself, pffttt right….it’s just those soft downy baby hairs that most of them have all over their bodies. You know, the cute stuff that makes them look all angelic and sweet and young. No…it wasn’t. It was a very sparse chemo kitty collection of wiry dark hair that has cropped up all over her crotch.
I drew a picture of chemo kitty below for you all!
I am not ready for this, I am just not. I am too young, I am too pretty, I am too afraid that they will cycle along with me and we will tip the balance of the universe with our axis of evil bitchiness.
This will then catapult my younger daughter to rapidly enter the realm of “womanhood” and bring about the apocalypse with her menstrual anger. I can barely contain myself, how the hell am I going to cope with the holy trifecta of gangsta vaginal anger?
|What will selling cookies be like next year??|
It’s bad enough that she has boobs. Little baby booby lites that need trapping in a band aid bra, which I have to admit that I tell every family member just to cement her teenage angst against me.
Oh, Auntie Lauren, did you see that Baby Girl has boobies now? Aren’t they just so cute…quick baby, raise your arms so that everyone can see how cute your little boobies are!
Of course, I am exaggerating (kinda, sorta….umm…yeah) and is it not bad enough that I have to remind them about personal odor and wiping. But now, I have to instruct them on the use of tampons and the importance of cleaning the massive bloody mess that your crotch becomes during this time?? I can’t even get them to wipe their asses!
|purchase by the case baby..by the case|
I will need wine, fuck that shit, I will need ever clear to withstand this Def Con Monstration.
And no, I will not be throwing a red tent party.
Oh yeah, if you got any HABO (Help a Bitch Out) advice…..I wouldn’t turn you down.
|SOB, SOB, SOB|