Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Beware the vagina apocalypse



GAAAAAAA…….it’s starting!

Vagina gate has officially entered our household.  

It was actually really appropriate that the first blog that I read this morning was Oh Noa’s blog (Vagina Pinata's) about throwing  a party when your daughter travels that mysterious road from being a cute little elementary school kid to one that is “swollen with evil, starts rotting, and the devil then takes them as a toxic vessel for his purpose”  

Otherwise known as the trip from girl to “womanhood”. 

AWW Baby


Last night, my 9 year old (almost 10) started screaming in the shower.  As I made a mad dash up the stairs screaming, “What’s wrong, what’s happening!!!”  I get to the door and hear this, “OMG 

(she actually says O-M-G) 





Mom, I have HAIR on my pee-pee!  I am thinking to myself, pffttt right….it’s just those soft downy baby hairs that most of them have all over their bodies.  You know, the cute stuff that makes them look all angelic and sweet and young.  No…it wasn’t.  It was a very sparse chemo kitty collection of wiry dark hair that has cropped up all over her crotch. 

I drew a picture of chemo kitty below for you all!



I am not ready for this, I am just not.  I am too young, I am too pretty, I am too afraid that they will cycle along with me and we will tip the balance of the universe with our axis of evil bitchiness.  


This will then catapult my younger daughter to rapidly enter the realm of “womanhood” and bring about the apocalypse with her menstrual anger.   I can barely contain myself, how the hell am I going to cope with the holy trifecta of gangsta vaginal anger?


What will selling cookies be like next year??

It’s bad enough that she has boobs.  Little baby booby lites that need trapping in a band aid bra, which I have to admit that I tell every family member just to cement her teenage angst against me.  

Oh, Auntie Lauren, did you see that Baby Girl has boobies now?  Aren’t they just so cute…quick baby, raise your arms so that everyone can see how cute your little boobies are!





Of course, I am exaggerating (kinda, sorta….umm…yeah)  and is it not bad enough that I have to remind them about personal odor and wiping.  But now, I have to instruct them on the use of tampons and the importance of cleaning the massive bloody mess that your crotch becomes during this time??  I can’t even get them to wipe their asses!

purchase by the case baby..by the case




I will need wine, fuck that shit, I will need ever clear to withstand this Def Con Monstration.  







And no, I will not be throwing a red tent party. 

Oh yeah, if you got any HABO (Help a Bitch Out) advice…..I wouldn’t turn you down.

SOB, SOB, SOB

17 comments:

  1. Ahhh, the fun years! Usually when they are young they are very irregular so the balance of the universe should be good for a while.

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    1. Ruth - lordy lordy I sure hope so!!

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  2. Must not drink anything when even reading your post titles. Holy shit, I nearly died.

    I have to say, that's the kind of shit that scares me most about having kids. The change.

    And if your daughters are lucky, Aunt Flo will make her debut around a major holiday so that way the embarrassment of every fucking member of the family can congratulate them at once instead of dragging it out for months. My debut was Thanksgiving. I was mortified the entire day. Worst turkey EVER.

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    1. J - sorry girl, sometimes these things just need to be said. And yes, I am waiting for their entrance to womanhood to be on one of those days. You know, where we don't have anything and it has to be this huge production. When I first got my period, I ran screaming to my Mom convinced that I was dying and bleeding out. It was a damn good thing she was a nurse.

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  3. I am a single dad and was there when my daughter had her first period. I learned a lot that day. I turn to my female friends quite often for help.

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    1. Brett - damn man, that doesn't help me! I just hope that they give me enough time in between the two of them that I can cope and get through one before the other starts.

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  4. I am glad I read this blog because I can help. It's okay for you to relax now. Listen carefully. Do not give her any more dairy. None. There is a connection between early puberty and dairy. Cows are evil. Some believe them to be aliens. They might be. I don't know. I've tried to talk to them, but all they say is, "moo." That might be their leader's name.

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    1. Nellie - Fo Shizzle lady! I pass by their minions every damn day! I knew they were trying to take over the world. As a side note, I have heard about the dairy issue, however, here is the problem....I started my period at 10, my Mom started her period at 10 and my grandmother started her period at 9. I think that she just has fucked up genetics. One benefit...at least she will have boobs.

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  5. See, I'm overwhelmingly happy when I read posts like this that I almost never get periods. If I have children, they have to be male children or they have to go live with their grandmother because I'd probably lose my shit and eat the girl child like a wild animal.

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    1. Mandi - I fight the urge to cook them every day with a good bechamel sauce.

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  6. I dn't have any advice, but if hearing how much I feel like I have failed in the 8 months since my daughter's met her aunt flow would make you feel better...I' m here! (probably collecting the scarred underwear she keeps hiding instead of throwing it or just discreetly handing off!)

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  7. So glad I don't have girls. I have one boy and boys are just noise with dirt.

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    1. Damn you woman! I am sort of jealous.

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  8. LOL!! My twins have entered this phase. I can handle the body changes... ENDLESS car discussions on what a period is, blah blah. But, OH MY GOD, the hormonal mood swings... No one told me my precious babies would turn into THIS! It's too late to sell them. People would buy adorable little twin preschool girls. NO ONE is going to buy 12 year olds!!!

    Jo
    In Which We Start Anew

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    1. Jo - dear sweet baby jesus - you made twin girls?? My god lady, I bow down to your patience and fortitude! Just last night, we had a rise of the monster issue and I swear to goodness that my head almost pulled a Linda Blair maneuver. You said WHAAATT to me? I don't even think we could give them away at this age!

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  9. I have two teenage daughters. 16 and 14. 16 went to her first prom and is dating an 18 year old senor. Luckily for me, they keep most of that female stuff to their mom. They are capable of SOME mercy.

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