Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear Twatbagders.....suck it

Yes, I’m talking about you.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry, I didn’t mean you (you who are reading my blog, I know you guys are cool)  

I am talking about those asshats in the general public that we have to deal with all the time.

You, sirs, to coin a phrase from  Noa , are insufferable members of society.  

Let’s take a little test shall we to see if you find that you run into these twatbadgers while YOU are being a productive member of society.

I am thinking of forming a new club and calling it, “WAPAT”  Short for Women Against Pretentious Ass Twats. 

 I was thinking about calling it mother’s against pretentious ass twats, but just because we are Mom’s doesn’t mean that we cut out the vagina when we cut the cord.

So....let's begin the WAPAT checklist

At the park, do the other Mom’s avoid you because you let your child get dirty?  Or because you are not obsessively screaming their name and telling them how to play.    Yes?  JOIN WAPAT 

Do you get the evil eye when you are drinking your wine box juice box at sporting events (soccer games, baseball games, picnic events, farmers market outings, school plays – for those I use my “coffee” mug)  Yes, JOIN WAPAT

Do you get the hair toss when you don’t obsessively talk about how much your husband makes, what FAB-U-LOUS vacation you are going on next, or debating the merits of the next hybrid SUV vs. your new Volvo SUV.  Yes, fucking come join WAPAT

Did you get the raspy growl of disapproval when mentioning that you are going to get drunk with your fellow WAPAT’s and go heckle Magic Mike?  Fuck you bitch, I’m gonna do some seriously heckling and cat calling at Magic Mike.

Do you take close and personal shots of yourself and then go an retouch them with instagram before posting on Facebook with the tag…..beautiful…..naturally.  Yeah, jackass you are still taking a picture with your phone you twatipster .  Yep, you fucking can NOT be part of WAPAT. 

Do you find yourself in a crowd of people who like to educate you on how you should think??  Yes??  Then you can absolutely join WAPAT.  Our motto is….while we think you are one cool ass shizzle bitch, we can agree to disagree. 

Do you find yourself frowning over the whiney ass kids today and their fucking over tolerant parent….fucking join WAPAT – where we believe that losing sporting events and not giving trophies to everyone should be the norm.  It’s called losing…..get used to it.  That is why victory taste so good, because it doesn’t happen all the time you TWATS.

Do you frown at people who use words like Fuck, Twat, Twatwaffle, Twat Badger, girl wood, reverse Mormon, douchecanoe, anus cracker, wee jobby, oh I could go on forever.  If you frown…there is no entry.  No WAPAT for you!

If you tell your child, or anyone else’s child that the drink you are holding is a Daddy Soda or Mommy drink….automatic entry.

If you believe in the Zombie Apocalpyse….in a funny and humorous way and not in the Doomsday Preppers Way….You are a shoe in!!

If you like being an armchair activist and putting out calls to arms on your blog and/or Facebook, you cannot join.  Mostly because you probably are a patchouli smelling douchebag and it’s my club…so na na na na.

If you are Weenie’s classmates reading Sla’s blog, you are automatically included.   Only if she says you are cool, because I have heard some stories about you crazies!!!  Kidding….kidding !!  Keep up the good work so that you can take care of my aging parts.  I will require your assistance one day with the “jazzling”  and you fuckers better be smart.

So in closing…..While WAPAT is still in early formation, I will be closely  reviewing your application and if I don’t like you, you can’t join.  (kidding, no I’m not, well maybe I am, …well…kinda, sorta…more than likely)

And in other random news, I want to share with you the picture of my dog.  He is on his way to get “tutored”.  Yep, he is going to get his balled snipped off.  Which is a good thing because those things are so fucking shiny and in your face that they need to go.  Also, my girls keep asking questions about his shiny balls and lipstick that I am having trouble answering without snickering and using potty language.

Ahh, whose gonna get their balls cut off....whose gonna...don't look at me if your gonna....

Monday, June 11, 2012

What happens at the cabin stays at the cabin…(pffttt, bitch, I’ve got a blog!!)

Hello peeps, sorry that I have been so blah blah lately.  I have been working, and working, and working, and working at the cabin, and getting my girls ready for the end of the school year and summer vacation plans, and working, and working, and working at home, and working.

Sense the general theme here?  However, that being said, I did take the time to take part in some serious shenanigans at our family cabin.  

Let’s just say that this involved around 10 bottles of wine, 3 + cases of beer, some rather large marshmallows and 8 adults (semi adult acting).  (Well, really only 1 adult didn’t participate, he stood aside shook his head and mocked us during our low points.  But we can always count on Papa to put the idea in our heads and let us take all of the fool credit. )

Typical View

Even better

It’s a bad sign when your Mommy has to bake the cabin “neighbors” a berry cobbler to “apologize” for all of the noise and shenanigans that your adult children made at the bonfire until 2:30 a.m.  (Well, we think it was 2:30 a.m., we are relying on my sister’s using her one good focusin’ eye to tell the time)
At least this time, no one threw a wine bottle full of gas on the bon fire, and no one fell in the bon fire, and I didn’t throw my flaming marshmallow on my sister’s lap (again), no one threw up, and no one fell over into their own stream of steaming pee while trying to squat.  (I know NOTHING about this ONE…..NOTHING)  

Give me your beer BITCH

And now I've wet my pants...again.

Pony rides anyone??  ANYONE??

No one tried to play mountain golf in the dead of night and got lost, and no one got kicked out of the mountain biker bar that is down the street, and praise the baby HeyZeus, no one wet their pants laughing.  The last one gets a little difficult when you get around my brother in law, because when he is on….HE IS ALWAYS ON.  That man hurts my abs and causes me to purchase poise pads as part of my “cabin” list.

View from Back Cabin

WOOT WOOT, New Bath-house!

The Dreaded BACK CABIN

This trip, we didn’t have any “bat” issues in the back cabin!  “Bat” issues you say…..well, let me tell you.  See, the back cabin is one of those old logging cabins that you can pick up and move anywhere.  It’s a very dark box with windows, and if you have ever been camping or in the woods, you know that it gets DARK DARK DARK up there.  

So, hubby and I are lying in bed in the back cabin, we have one ankle biter in the twin bed next to us and another ankle biter across the room in another twin bed.  Hubby and I have stumbled from the bon fire and are proceeding to saw some serious alcoleholie snores in the dark dark room.  Suddenly, Hubby leaps from a prone position to jumping around the bed like some crazed dog doing butt circles trying to catch his tail, all the while screaming madly.  This causes me to rise like an autobot Stepford Wife while belting out a massive scream that would rival ANY fucking horror flick you have EVER seen.  Finally, my own screams pierce my beer fog and I jump out of the bed and scream for my hubby to quit leaping around the bed like a meth-ed out lab.  My girlies are staring at us with a “What the fuck now look??” and I get everyone to take a breath.  We finally figure out that while lying on his side, my hubby’s arm has fallen asleep.  Said arm, while sound asleep has whacked him in the face, causing him to believe that a “bat” was trying to eat him.  He was attempting to “save” his girls and attack the bat (hence the bed butt circles and screaming) Once we established that the “bat” was really his own arm, I think I laughed so hard that even my poise pad had trouble keeping up with the flow. (Damn kids).  Thank the lordy above that this trip was “bat” free.

Outdoor Shower!!  WOOT WOOT

I did shower naked under the stars, and I did fall (as to be expected a couple of times) 

Scene of the Crime

MMM...velvet cake and WINE...WINE WINE

I DID try TRY TRY to kick ass in Sequence.  Usually, my team goes down in flames (I’m usually partnered with my Mom, who at this point in the evening is giving me the one eye).  This time I was partnered with my brother and my hubby was partnered with my brother in law.  Their team proceeded to hand us our asses on multiple occasions.  My brother (Lord, love him) plays the same as my Mom….I think next time I’m gonna have to call ho’s before bro’s and partner up with my Sis in Law or my Sister for the win.  Damn those boys and their big black bad ass chips.

I did agree to eat bear meat (NASTY), I did move a ton of gravel, I got dirty, and I absolutely had a FABULOUS time with the best family ever!

And a BIG BIG thank you to the BEST brother ever...who brought my own water so we could all drink me.