Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear Twatbagders.....suck it



Yes, I’m talking about you.


Oh, oh, oh, sorry, I didn’t mean you (you who are reading my blog, I know you guys are cool)  

I am talking about those asshats in the general public that we have to deal with all the time.


You, sirs, to coin a phrase from  Noa , are insufferable members of society.  

Let’s take a little test shall we to see if you find that you run into these twatbadgers while YOU are being a productive member of society.

I am thinking of forming a new club and calling it, “WAPAT”  Short for Women Against Pretentious Ass Twats. 

 I was thinking about calling it mother’s against pretentious ass twats, but just because we are Mom’s doesn’t mean that we cut out the vagina when we cut the cord.

So....let's begin the WAPAT checklist




At the park, do the other Mom’s avoid you because you let your child get dirty?  Or because you are not obsessively screaming their name and telling them how to play.    Yes?  JOIN WAPAT 



Do you get the evil eye when you are drinking your wine box juice box at sporting events (soccer games, baseball games, picnic events, farmers market outings, school plays – for those I use my “coffee” mug)  Yes, JOIN WAPAT

Do you get the hair toss when you don’t obsessively talk about how much your husband makes, what FAB-U-LOUS vacation you are going on next, or debating the merits of the next hybrid SUV vs. your new Volvo SUV.  Yes, fucking come join WAPAT

Did you get the raspy growl of disapproval when mentioning that you are going to get drunk with your fellow WAPAT’s and go heckle Magic Mike?  Fuck you bitch, I’m gonna do some seriously heckling and cat calling at Magic Mike.





Do you take close and personal shots of yourself and then go an retouch them with instagram before posting on Facebook with the tag…..beautiful…..naturally.  Yeah, jackass you are still taking a picture with your phone you twatipster .  Yep, you fucking can NOT be part of WAPAT. 

Do you find yourself in a crowd of people who like to educate you on how you should think??  Yes??  Then you can absolutely join WAPAT.  Our motto is….while we think you are one cool ass shizzle bitch, we can agree to disagree. 

Do you find yourself frowning over the whiney ass kids today and their fucking over tolerant parent….fucking join WAPAT – where we believe that losing sporting events and not giving trophies to everyone should be the norm.  It’s called losing…..get used to it.  That is why victory taste so good, because it doesn’t happen all the time you TWATS.

Do you frown at people who use words like Fuck, Twat, Twatwaffle, Twat Badger, girl wood, reverse Mormon, douchecanoe, anus cracker, wee jobby, oh I could go on forever.  If you frown…there is no entry.  No WAPAT for you!

If you tell your child, or anyone else’s child that the drink you are holding is a Daddy Soda or Mommy drink….automatic entry.

If you believe in the Zombie Apocalpyse….in a funny and humorous way and not in the Doomsday Preppers Way….You are a shoe in!!

If you like being an armchair activist and putting out calls to arms on your blog and/or Facebook, you cannot join.  Mostly because you probably are a patchouli smelling douchebag and it’s my club…so na na na na.

If you are Weenie’s classmates reading Sla’s blog, you are automatically included.   Only if she says you are cool, because I have heard some stories about you crazies!!!  Kidding….kidding !!  Keep up the good work so that you can take care of my aging parts.  I will require your assistance one day with the “jazzling”  and you fuckers better be smart.

So in closing…..While WAPAT is still in early formation, I will be closely  reviewing your application and if I don’t like you, you can’t join.  (kidding, no I’m not, well maybe I am, …well…kinda, sorta…more than likely)


And in other random news, I want to share with you the picture of my dog.  He is on his way to get “tutored”.  Yep, he is going to get his balled snipped off.  Which is a good thing because those things are so fucking shiny and in your face that they need to go.  Also, my girls keep asking questions about his shiny balls and lipstick that I am having trouble answering without snickering and using potty language.

Ahh, whose gonna get their balls cut off....whose gonna...don't look at me if your gonna....

30 comments:

  1. Like a Crack whore shaking from withdrawal symptoms, hell I'm in!

    Can we make effigies of cookie cutter mums and set fire to them in a satanic ritual...or is that way too much?

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    Replies
    1. Lily,

      Hell no!! We will call it bonfire night and roast marshmallows

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    2. Lily, what a freakin fabulous idea!!

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  2. If it were me in this situation, I'd probably set myself to talking about how absolutely boring and useless the local housewives are. Loudly. In earshot. I have no tolerance for the people of whom you speak. If your sole worth in life hinges on the life you squeezed out of your vag (or your designer caesarian) and the money your sperm donor makes, you should probably go eat a handful of those pretty pills your doctor put you on after your crotch dropping spawned.

    It would be the first ever Stepford Serial Suicide that didn't involve Kool-aid.

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  3. Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh pick me pick me! I wanna bash on those asshats, too!

    Was I too excited? Hmm . . . yet another thing to work on. Maybe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JDAY - hells to the no, you are in lady!

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  4. Will there be t-shirts and secret handshakes?

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  5. My dues are in the mail. I assume they will be used to pay for vodka and marshmallows for the bonfire. I'm in bitch. And don't even think of telling me no. I've just finished wiping my ass with one-ply and I'm in a mood to tussle.

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    Replies
    1. Also, where do we meet for Magic Mike? I've got the wobbly pops all packed and ready to go! (you should bring sour candy. I can't watch a movie without it.)

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    2. Dude - you are ON! I also say that we sneak those vodka, tonic and basil drinks in that you have me salivating over in our little "coffee" traveler cups. PS - maybe if you wiped with 2 ply you wouldn't be so "grouchy" LOL

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  6. Oh I'm in. I'll teach you how to get vodka into a capri sun pouch!

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    Replies
    1. SHUT the FUCK UP! That is awesome!!

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  7. I like you. Can I join the club??

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  8. I just informed my nephew that he could not have "Auntie's special juice".
    But I do not know what "reverse Mormon" means. Am I disqualified? I'm guessing it is in reference to some sort of whoredom?

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    Replies
    1. I don't know...sometimes I just make shit up. I would imagine it would be anything other than missionary.

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  9. I like how the dog is going to 'loose' it's balls. Lulz.

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    Replies
    1. slow clap - You are the only one that got it!

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  10. Also, I sort of want to see Magic Mike, too. But Jay won't go with me!

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  11. ALso, I stole 'twatbadger' today. THanks for that.

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  12. I want in! I have so much fun mocking these twats on a daily basis, but it would be a hell of lot more rewarding to share this shit with others of my kind..

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  13. The whole "mommy club" thing terrifies me. I plan to spawn someday, and I know I'll meet these people. Is there a badge non-twatwaffle mothers can wear to let me know it's safe to approach?

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    Replies
    1. You just gotta find your set of Mommies, there will be some terrifying ones but most of them are just kind of lonely

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  14. HA! Reverse Mormon, love it. Also stealing Twatbadger, such a functional phrase.

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