No....I Just say NO!

Just say No….

I had a rough weekend.  Friday, I was happy, actually got home early from work after working 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. all week, and was ready to celebrate actually getting a pretty big project approved with a fun filled dinner with the fam.  Hubby, that wonderful gem, played single father all week and did everything!  From making dinners, to laundry, to bath time to homework – he had it covered.   

And here is the best part, I mean the most FUCKING BEST EVER PART – he kept the kids from calling me.  See, hubby knows, the girls call me, they cry that they miss me and I just get stressed.  I start feeling guilty about my job and how my children are suffering without me and I am such a bad miserable mother.  But Hubby is smart, and when 8:30 came I get a very short text that says…I love you, all is good, call when you can.  Did I say that he is AWESOME and wonderful???  No, well let me say it again…. He is the BEST EVER!

At dinner, he order’s me this…..again, BEST HUBBY EVER!  Then, we get a call from our tax guy while we were at dinner, and he says…we owe $10K (that’s $10,000 to the feds)  WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ARE FIRED….)   Long story short, our tax guy fucked up and now we owe.  And to this hubby replies….do you want another?  And let’s me dissolve into a pity party of ONE.    After my party, he reminds me that our family mantra is adapt and overcome.  So, yep, the next day, he took me to buy a pair of shoes (ANY PAIR I WANTED).  I love this man.

So to salute my “N” blog today….I am going to say NO –

“No” to those crazy bridezilla bitches who have now come up with resorting to nasogastric tube diets.  What the fuck, you crack whore bitches?  Can’t you just get on meth?  No, you have to stick a tube up your nose and eat this this in order to lose weight.  Who cares if you are fucking fat asses, you are going to gain it back and then you are going to be a more miserable person. Why can’t someone just love you for who you are?  
Oh, that's right….because you are too narcissistic and ruh-tarded to even figure that out.  Note to yourself – don’t reproduce….there are enough douche bags and twatwaffles in the world, I don't need your kids jacking mine up at school.

Esty – SAY FUCKING NO- and say no to this lady who wants to promote bottom cleavage.  Seriously, I don’t want to have to wax on/wax off cleaning my seats because your ass slime has penetrated my seats.  FUCK YOU.

WHAT THE HELL

I CAN'T EVEN COMMENT, I AM SO TRAMATIZED

And for those Mommy hate wars going on now – Just suck it up Buttercups!  Say no to that petty bullshit.  Stay at home Mom’s work just as hard as working Mom’s, unless you belong to the Juicy Club (Juicy Club SUCKS) – then I think that you are a stupid twatwaffle.

Big shout out to Sheryl Sandberg who admits that she works 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. so that she can get home to her family.  However, you are now the COO of Facebook – it’s kind of a little late.  But thanks for putting it out there that family life and quality time are important….

Anything I missed…..something or someone you want to say No to??  Then just say NO with me…

Gasp, I have been shunned from the Juicy Club

The majority of days, I can totally relate to Emma Stone in the movie “Easy A”, and not because of all of the fake whoring around, I did all my real whoring around in College.  (Sorry, Mommy, if you are reading just ignore the last part it was dramatic prose)

There are just days that I feel like the Hester Prynne of my daughter’s elementary school.  (For those of you unfamiliar with Nathanial Hawthorne’s novel “The Scarlet Letter”,  I will boil it down to the following nugget, “Woman acts like a man, refuses to name baby daddy, get shunned and branded with the letter A, is really the heroine (duh)”.  If for any reason you think that you should watch the movie with Demi Moore, I would check yourself before you wreck yourself.  Watch Easy A – it just feels more like Hester)

So back to the As the Elementary World Turns, I apparently do not fit in with the “cool” kids.  I don’t wear the appropriate Stepford Wives uniform, nor do I frequent the gym and hook up with my professional trainer (hence the pitying looks for my fat ass), nor do I go every day to my daughter’s classroom to help out, I (occasionally) miss my daughter’s school parties (where other parents feel the need to adopt my child since no one should be left behind), and OMG GASP GASP CHOKE CHOKE, I commit the GREATEST sin of ALL MANKIND……(are you ready)….I…..I…..I….I….work (FOR SHAME).

OH THE HUMANITY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT….HOLISHIT BALLS BATMAN….WHAT A HORRIBLE MOTHER…..  Yes, my friends, I work.  I have a full time job.  Now before any of my friends who are stay at home Mom’s that are reading my blog get their panties all wadded up in their bachina.  I am not talking about you guys, nor am I in any way dissing those Moms’s that stay home.  I am dissing those Moms who have taken staying at home to a whole new High School Musical level.

 I wish I could stay at home with my girls (sometimes), but I also need the second income and I enjoying working outside of my home.  I always (and I do mean always) give props to my friends that stay home with their kids.  They have a much more difficult job than me, there are no breaks, no salary increases or bonus, their husbands are sometimes away a little more often (Holla to R & H) and for the most part, their jobs are thankless from others but wonderful for their kids.

My youngest daughter once told me when I was working on a deadline that she hoped that I got fired because that would mean that I could be with her at home always.  Now, that shit tears up my heart.  But the crazy crap that really makes me feel like I should be branded with the letter A for “Abnormal” and forced to wear scarlet instead of the Stepford Wives uniform of Juicy Couture, is when one of those Juicy Club Moms gives me “the tone”. 

And here is a selection of actual shit that gets said to me…

“Oh, you are (insert Ankle Biters name) Mom, oh, I didn’t know who you were because I only see your nanny.”  (Bitch please, you saw me last week dropping the kids off)

“Oh, I can tell that you work, I have never see you at the school”

“Oh, you work huh, boy, it shows, (long suffering juicy sigh) I just could never be away from my child for that long, I just want to be here to fulfill every one of their needs and make every day the best possible day that they could ever have, it must be hard not to do that, huh.”  (Bitch, I want to cunt punch you so bad right now…..I could actually brand you with a scarlet letter…..”T” for Twatwaffle.

“Oh, we were going out to coffee after the gym, Jana, do you want to go?  Oh, no, that right, you work.” (SMACK YOU NOW)

Then, then I have to listen to the drivel that comes out of their mouths…….they must think that I have an eye tick because I am constantly rolling my eyes.

The best part is when I am actually trying to have a conversation with them and they then see someone else who is much higher in the Juicy Twatwaffle Social ladder and they leave you, mid conversation, to SQUEEE…….OMG…..BESTIE……You look so great today…..OMG……Jonny (come on…you know you’ve seen the new spelling of kids names)  was like totally acting up today and I was like….BOY….I’m gonna smack you…..and my hubby….OMG…..he doesn’t do anything.   Gym later…SQUEE…then we will like totally have to go to the wine bar on Friday…cause….SQUEEE….I so need a break.

I guess that the long and short of this, is that while I miss my girls with a desperation that aches in my heart and at times makes me feel like I am the worst mother in the world, I like who I am.  I may not be the perfect Mom, I may not wear the perfect shade of juicy pink or have a pair of UGGS for each day of the week, or have the perfect size 6 body, or have all of the perfect friends on our perfect play date, or perfectly make dinner by 5 p.m. every day……instead…..I will brand myself as “A”…….for rocking the Absurdly Abnormal.

And to my small, yet scrappy, set of girls that join me in the abnormal world, I salute you.  Cause if I was around those Juicy Twatwaffles everyday........weaves would be a-flyin.  And if I don't tell you girls everyday, I love you, we might we a small group, but at least we have got each other.