Pack an extra pair of shoes and your angry eyes...just in CASE PEEPS

So, yeah, sorry about that, it’s been over a month since my last post.  What can I say……ummm…nothing, I missed you guys!

So over the past month, I have let my 10 year old daughter go on a 4 week vacation with my Mom and Dad to Montana.  They stayed on a working cattle ranch that my Dad’s cousin owns, they went to Glacier Park, Yellowstone, Blackfeet Indian Reservation and a whole bunch of other places.    Then we, as a family went on vacation and now we are finally back!

So during my time away, I wanted to share the following observations with you all:

First to my hubby – I wanted to say thanks for always driving, driving me and the girls around, driving the boat, driving me home when I am drunk and in general always driving your daisies around.   I also wanted to thank you for giving me a nose job.  I know it was unexpected, that large wake that came up and scared you but you handled it expertly.  So expertly, that I got a rug burn on my nose along with (2) black eyes.  

Not to mention the gallon of lake water that I drank while choking/laughing through the pain.  I also wanted to thank you for the multiple lake water enemas.   I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to leak from your butt for a week, I swear that tube enemas put olean chips to shame.  

Yep, here is the butt plug tool!

I also wanted to thank you for putting the idea of playing a board game for butt sex into Papa’s head.  Now every time we place Sequence, Mom and I are going to HAVE to win to avoid butt probing….NICE HONEY…NICE!  Also, thanks for pointing out to Papa that he needs the butt plug tool out of the Cabela’s catalog……I can always count on you.  All kidding aside, thanks for always being my rock, even when vacation kicks us in the ass.

To my brother and his BFF Morgan – I wet my pants.  No seriously, I was laughing so hard on the boat because of their “antics” on the tube that I WET MY PANTS.   It’s a good thing I was sitting on my towel and was able to wash off later in the lake.  OMFG….it hurt to laugh that hard.  (Pics below!)  It’s a good thing that they are good with their sexuality and it made it all the more funny, when my girls were like, “oh, that is totally inappropriate”. 

I hate vacation…every vacation starts out like a complete clusterfuck for us.  For instance, two years ago we decided to take our boat to Lake Almanor, during the drive up there our car battery died when we stopped to let the girls go potty.  Fixed that.  Then driving the boat up the steep hill caused our 2001 Dodge Durango to blow a hole in the exhaust system, then the brakes failed as we tried to come to a stop with the boat behind us, then we got a flat tire that required (2) jacks and my hubby almost got pinned under the Durango.  And finally, after driving through Dante’s Inferno (aka Redding) with no AC, some jackass almost killed us as we were driving on a levy road and he tried to pass us on a blind curved 2-laned road.  That trip cost me $50k.  So when the boat didn’t start this trip after we dropped it in the water, you can’t fault me for being Debbie Doomsday!  In the end, they always turn out fun…….(mostly)

kinda looked like this!

I wanted to give a big shout out to the tranny that was smartly dressed in her dress made of plastic garbage bags, with her tube socks and high heels.  Her big pink beach bag totally complemented the black plastic and the wig and 1950’s horn rimmed glasses were just spot on.  I also like the fact that she stopped in the cross walk to blow me a kiss.  Made my day.

For the homeless guy yesterday that was mad that I didn't give him money, the fact that you licked my drivers side window to show that you were pissed was fucking HI-larious!

To the “lady” in the cross walk in the Castro yesterday that showed me her tongue can quite easily fit between her two fingers, you made me snarf my Diet Pepsi.  And while I was not prepared for your act to either (1) capture on my phone or (2) come back with a witty gesture, I am very upset at you.  You see, I was wearing a white shirt, and the diet Pepsi stains did not go so well with my sweater set as I was heading to my meeting.

Fucking Google has EVERYTHING

To the “young lady” that was walking down the street with her underwear exposed through the bottom of her “dress”.  I take issue with you chickadee!  And it is not because of your dress, no no no Missy, I take issue with the hand print tattoos that you had on the backs of your thighs.  Now, I am sure that they were just for placement effect so that the boys know where to grab as you are doing it doggy style, but really….my eyes are burning.

Another big ol’ shoutout goes to the lady in the Baseball complex bathroom last night.  As I walk my 7-year old in the bathroom while hubby is playing, my smart ass little kid says REALLY loud.  “OMG, it totally stinks like butt in here, do they NOT know how to pre-flush”  As the lady exited the stall and ran into my kid, she totally gave me the evil eye.  Granted my kid was holding her nose and give the lady the evil eye back, I found this incredibly amusing.  Jackass, you are taking a SHIT – you do NOT SHIT roses.  You stink.(And not like mothballs, Nat)

I would also like to commend my smart ass 7 year old for the proper use of a word.  She properly executed the use of the word, “SHAW” while speaking to an adult who totally asked her a stupid question.  The “SHAW” was complete with eye roll and look of disgust at said adult for asking her such a lame question.  Now, I don’t condone this behavior and she did get in trouble, but holy shit it was incredibly funny.

Also – T-shirt Hell notified me of a few new shirts so ENJOY!!!

Hell....I vacationed in Hell

Have you ever had a vacation from Hell, where you actually drove through Hell and spent $50,000? 

Yep, we did.  I should have known better when the vacation started like this……..

Thank god that my husband is a fireman, because I would have crapped my pants and passed out.  But with him around, he just makes it seem easier and calmer.  “Jana, go get me a towel because we need to apply pressure.” “Get her some clothes to put on, and go start the car for me” “Jana, focus on me!”  On this particular incident, my youngest had fallen on the concrete and whapped her head right on the construction joint of the concrete and split her head like an over ripe melon.  After yelling at the doctors to consciously sedate her with an IV, 15 stitches later, we managed to get her patched up before our planned vacation.  (As for the moustache on her face, when asked what she wanted after being sedated, you know the nurse was thinking…juice…Popsicle…etc., my kid says…. “A moustache”.  What the hell?  A moustache…ok…I have pictures of the nurses posing with her while she is unconscious and we are painting a moustache on her face with my eyeliner.

And then…..

We are driving to our cabin with our boat for vacation and within the first hour, our truck dies – battery get replaced….we drive on.  Within the second hour, we blow a hole in the exhaust system driving the boat up a steep hill and over heat the engine.

Within the third hour of the vacation while towing the boat to the slip where we are going to dock the boat for a week, the brakes fail while coming to a stop sign.  Luckily we were able to roll through the stop sign and take a right.

 

Within the fifth hour, Mommy is drunk and crying because she can’t take this shit anymore.

The next day, after a fun filled day on the boat, we get back to the truck and find the tire flat.  Three hours later, two jacks, and an almost near death experience where my husband was nearly trapped under the truck when the jack failed, we get back to the cabin.

One hour later, Mommy is drunk again, and Grammie is steadily feeding Mommy more booze so that she doesn’t scare the kids.

At the end of the vacation, driving home….we drove through hell.  Over 120 degrees outside, no air conditioner inside since the truck couldn’t handle the air and towing the boat.  Kids wilting inside, adults sweltering inside, silence for the 4 hour trip on the way home.  

Until some jackass tries to pass us and our boat on a two lane levy road and almost rolls over his car because he doesn’t see the oncoming traffic.  I have never seen a wife beat her husband while inches from my car.  At least they had the decency, when we pull over to let them pass when it was safe, to stop and apologize for almost killing all of us. 

Day 8 of vacation, we bought a new truck.

One hour later, Mommy was drunk again because this vacation only cost her $50 grand.