I can make your skin glow, 'cause I am a saint, Y'all!

Did you know??  Did YA Did YA??  This is awesome!

My brother sent me this picture, it's perfecto for a few reasons....

One...you have ask for assistance to reach me.  Seriously, I would need assistance to reach myself!  I can see how this would go down in the grocery store...umm..hello....can you help me reach myself!  Oh MY GOD, I just might have to do this and take pictures of the reactions.

Note to all - if you drink me...let me know how I taste!

Oh yes, I can go on FOREVER!

Company Overview

Jana natural mineral water is a 7,000 year-old secret of nature nestled amongst the St. Jana hills. Silky smooth taste, pristine purity and perfectly balanced mineral composition are what make Jana our source of life.

Jana natural mineral water was a well-kept secret for thousands of years in an 800-metre-deep well amongst the hills of St. Jana.

Jana’s origin stems from a time of totally unpolluted nature, before anything we know today. It was kept well protected under layers of mineral rocks, gradually filtered and naturally enriched with minerals. 

Jana is characterized by a silky smooth taste, perfectly balanced ratio of calcium and magnesium and a pH value of 7.4, equal to the pH value of our blood. Such natural balance makes Jana a perfect part of a healthy lifestyle. Among other minerals, Jana also contains silica, an essential trace element responsible for our skin’s healthy glow. 

Nowadays, when we do not have so much time to take care of ourselves, it is good to know that there is always a piece of untouched nature that can, indeed, be with us at any moment. With each opening of natural and pure Jana water, its pristine values truly become a part of us.

Become a part of me...truly...LOL

Ooops, I did it again

If you had to think of words to describe me, they would be grace…..the ability to float like Jesus over the water when she walks…..ethereal…..the epitome of ballerina like reflexes. 

Yep, that is right; I am filled with 100% of B.S.  What you should be thinking is if Mr. Bean met Pigpen and they had a cute little baby girl.  That would be me.  I have the innate ability to trip over a leaf on the ground, creating a massive cloud of dust, whip myself off the ground and try to appear as if nothing happened and I meant to do that.

Knee Injury

So in the past two weeks, I have fallen twice and injured the same hand, the same knee and fucked up my shoulder in the same area (twice).  

The first fall was entering a crack house trying to recover a plastic body for my friend Mandi,(Mandi's New Baby) and the second time was just the other day in the lobby of my office.  

Mandi’s adventure was a little higher octane, since I was entering a dark building.  And let me tell you what dark is…this place is so dark that the light from my flashlight is absorbed by the pitch blackness.  Not even Riddick with his shine on would get much here.  So, keeping one eye on the flashlight in front of me and one eye for either dead bodies or zombies, I try to find the stairs to access the crack pen where Mandi’s doll lives.  That’s when I hear the bang and the dragging sounds….and I freak the shit out.  So while running for my life, I trip and slide across a floor that I don’t even want to mention or think about the substances that might be on this floor.  As I am scrambling madly to right myself and not get eaten by the Zombie crack whores, I realize that it’s just the maintenance guy.  Apparently I scared the shit out of him too and he was trying to chase me down with his baseball bat.  Once we realized that we were friendlies, we donned the necessary plastic gloves and the large plastic bag in which we placed her well used body.  We limped out of the building like wounded soldiers, squinting at the bright light and breathing fresh clean (well, industrial fresh clean air) non-malt liquor scented air.  Maintenance Bob went back to chasing vagrants with his baseball bat and I went to the UPS store to mail off the girl to Mandi.  I also didn’t want to leave in too long in my car….you know….in case of it contaminating my vehicle.

My second trip down memory lane involves the lobby of my office…..

Yeah, the lobby of my office, right in front of everyone, and no you rat bastards I wasn’t wearing crazy tall shoes….I was just walking, into the lobby.  I opened the beautiful glass doors of the lobby of my company, and try to breeze in looking all Audrey Hepburn with my black gaucho pants and cute little sweater set, with my sunglasses on my head and my hair all nice.  That was, until I went down in a blaze of glory, the blaze so great that stuntmen would have wept for the sheer drama of my fall.  I think that I rolled twice, head over heels, complete with purse and workbag, and arms and legs until I finally reached the end of my summersault where I lay catatonic for a moment.  After gathering my wits, and the remnants of my pride (ah hell, who am I kidding, this happens so often, I am not sure what face I can save) I rise….and walk, hobbling to my office where I bang my head on my desk, repeatedly.

So today I sit at my desk wondering if these shoes + my “easy button” might help me out today.  

PS - After work, I am going to hit the treadmill....wish me luck!

Loooooooosssseee Bowels

I have always mocked and enjoyed people and their poo stories.  Not the gross gory kind like in Tucker Max’s “Tucker Max tries butt sex hilarity does not ensue”,but the ones where you thought you were almost here kind of story, where you just can’t hit the finish line before sliding’ into home.

One of my favorite stories from my Step-Dad, involved him, his fire turn outs, and his SCBA (the oxygen tank/mask you see them wear).  See, when the fire bell rings, the stories are true…..you leave with what you are wearing.  Boxer shorts, man bikini junk, wipe/no wipe…It’s showtime!!

So my Step-Dad….he was helping the probie do dishes and didn’t make it in time for the post dinner throne visit, and what would you know, the fire bell rang.  So poor Papa, he’s the first man in, valiantly fighting a house fire, when what happened??  That rumbly in your tumbly…..that sphincter tightening feeling, that there she’s blows….and how do you fight that feeling when you are fighting a house fire??  

Why you pump the oxygen in your mask, run to the toilet, and relieve the pressure while smoke is billowing down above your head.  

You can just picture it now can’t you….that FPPPFFF….FPPPPPPFFF Darth Vadar sound, smoke starting to obscure your vision, while you hope to heavens you can pinch it off before all hell breaks loose.

Or someone else that won’t be named….(cough, cough) married to him, that after a date of eating really expensive seafood had to have a private moment with his undershirt and a secured construction site.

All the while, I chortle with glee over the fact that these stories are so AWESOME because they have never happened to me!!!  Until last night….

See, I have been working my ass off and not getting home until late.  But hubby, the great man that he is surprised me with my favorite Vietnamese food (extra spicy, of course) and not only did I enjoy it for dinner but it was extra spicy and fantastic for lunch.  And then, I drove home, and I shit you not, it was pouring rain with sudden chances of Tornados…in SAN FRANCISCO??  

And wouldn’t you guess, just wouldn’t you guess that I got those same kinds of feelings.  Feelings that made my eyes start to water, and my knuckles turn white, and for my pants to feel like they belonged to a small child.  Feelings that made me look around frantically for wipes, just in case.  Just in case, I rapidly pulled over on the last 30 minutes of my commute that just happens to be a dark windy road.  A dark turn out appeared….and I dove for it!  After my perfect imitation of the sights, sounds and cone depth of a volcano.  Everything seemed right in the world again. 

Until I looked up into the frightened eyes of a couple who were trying to do their good Samaritan deed and see if a stranded passenger needed some help.  I didn’t need help, but I was almost tempted to ask them to hand me a wipe.

So after they slowly backed away (I think that I am not only going to be featured  in my blog, but I am pretty sure that I might be featured in someone else’s)  I have concluded tonight, that you shouldn’t mock someone’s IBS….because now….I blow shit too!

Hell....I vacationed in Hell

Have you ever had a vacation from Hell, where you actually drove through Hell and spent $50,000? 

Yep, we did.  I should have known better when the vacation started like this……..

Thank god that my husband is a fireman, because I would have crapped my pants and passed out.  But with him around, he just makes it seem easier and calmer.  “Jana, go get me a towel because we need to apply pressure.” “Get her some clothes to put on, and go start the car for me” “Jana, focus on me!”  On this particular incident, my youngest had fallen on the concrete and whapped her head right on the construction joint of the concrete and split her head like an over ripe melon.  After yelling at the doctors to consciously sedate her with an IV, 15 stitches later, we managed to get her patched up before our planned vacation.  (As for the moustache on her face, when asked what she wanted after being sedated, you know the nurse was thinking…juice…Popsicle…etc., my kid says…. “A moustache”.  What the hell?  A moustache…ok…I have pictures of the nurses posing with her while she is unconscious and we are painting a moustache on her face with my eyeliner.

And then…..

We are driving to our cabin with our boat for vacation and within the first hour, our truck dies – battery get replaced….we drive on.  Within the second hour, we blow a hole in the exhaust system driving the boat up a steep hill and over heat the engine.

Within the third hour of the vacation while towing the boat to the slip where we are going to dock the boat for a week, the brakes fail while coming to a stop sign.  Luckily we were able to roll through the stop sign and take a right.

 

Within the fifth hour, Mommy is drunk and crying because she can’t take this shit anymore.

The next day, after a fun filled day on the boat, we get back to the truck and find the tire flat.  Three hours later, two jacks, and an almost near death experience where my husband was nearly trapped under the truck when the jack failed, we get back to the cabin.

One hour later, Mommy is drunk again, and Grammie is steadily feeding Mommy more booze so that she doesn’t scare the kids.

At the end of the vacation, driving home….we drove through hell.  Over 120 degrees outside, no air conditioner inside since the truck couldn’t handle the air and towing the boat.  Kids wilting inside, adults sweltering inside, silence for the 4 hour trip on the way home.  

Until some jackass tries to pass us and our boat on a two lane levy road and almost rolls over his car because he doesn’t see the oncoming traffic.  I have never seen a wife beat her husband while inches from my car.  At least they had the decency, when we pull over to let them pass when it was safe, to stop and apologize for almost killing all of us. 

Day 8 of vacation, we bought a new truck.

One hour later, Mommy was drunk again because this vacation only cost her $50 grand.