R….S……T….(aww fuck, I let life get in the way)

So, I suck, I know…but in my defense life shizzle got in the way.  

Friday, I spent the majority of my day at the San Francisco building department.  And I know that most of are going to say, “But it was a beautiful day in the City!!”  And I would say yes, with ONE BIG BUT….

It took me 3 GODDAMNHOURS to get 40 miles, I swear every major bridge that one can cross to get into San Francisco had major traffic accidents for Friday morning making me very late.  So instead of having the top off my car and being nice and toasty warm and feeling Friday free, I was sunburnt, angry and had a massive cramp from holding in pee the size of Niagara Falls.  

So after slugging my way into the City, I race towards the building department and proceed to hang out there for the next worst five hours of my life.  I spent these hours with the biggest twatbadger that I could have ever imagined.  Take one miserable county employee, embolden with the crankiness of 1000 grumpy old men and compress him into a tiny 30 something package.  

Now normally, I can handle these guys a couple of ways, either I usually use my charm and smile and try to be very friendly or I put on my intense face on, the one that tries to show that I am really listening intently to every word that you have to say because I feel that you are impotent (and yes, I meant to spell it that way)  Normally, this works…..but with this guy….he either 

(1) got laid badly, (2) needs to get laid, or (3) will require a jackhammer to remove the stick stuck so far up his ass that he could open his mouth to roast marshmallows nicely for you.  ARGH…I could of done bodily harm to him.

The fire guys….I love them, they were awesome as usual.

Then, my husband left me.  I know, you are shocked huh….well, he left me for a week to go to some conference in SLO (San Luis Obispo) that will make him all important and so that he can be official when he is on TV and shit.  And he left me…with a house full of bitches….for six days…..he will make homage to me when he returns!

So my “R” was going to be road relations, you know the kind of relations that can either get you in trouble or make the car ride nice and relaxing.  My experience with road relations has been the trouble sort.  See, on my way to Prom, my boyfriend at the time begged me to provide him with a little “road relaxation” and I did……much to the amusement of every trucker within CB radio distance that was able to view what was going up and down on I-80.  The CB traffic was so lit up that apparently the CHP wanted to get in on the action, so they pulled the car over.  Of course, by this time, I had myself all arranged and was trying to look very “innocent” in my prom dress.  But no, I was asked to get out….and I was taken to the Chippy’s car where I was asked what was going on, after a couple minutes of innocent denial, I spilled my 17 year old guts.  And I proceeded to get the best lecture ever, “Do you want me to call your parents and tell them that you died with a dick in your mouth???”  “Do you….do you…young lady???”  What the fuck am I supposed to say to counter that one, Officer Smarty Pants?  Yes??  My dad would be so proud??  Yeah, so poor hubby – due to my trauma – hand jobs is about all I will offer.

As for “S” and “T”…..I have combined them into a wonderful, fabulous drink that I had on Friday night!!  AGAIN!!  Salt and Tequila (Patron – of course)  See picture below…..

and I had TWO….and….and…and…I don’t remember much after that but Hubby and I did continue the party later, where I ended up accidently falling asleep in the bed in one of my “disappearing tricks” and he ended up in the hot tub alone.  Sorry Hubby!!

Also, I wanted to talk Texts….because I got the best text from my friend Nat the other day….Nat of…NATurally Inappropriate

Nat:  Men’s Underwear…Discuss

Me:  Marky Mark wore it best

Nat:  Boxers or briefs?

Me:  Boxers

Me:  Tight boxers

Nat:  Patterns?

Me:  No solids

Me:  Black

Me:  Not the cock but the boxers

Nat:  BAAHHHAHHHAHA

I meant to say…stupid auto correct…that I like black or dark color tight boxers only…NEVER white…and it kinda came out wrong.

BAAADDDD Doggie!

And finally, I am closing “T” today with a T-shirt that I am going to buy for my husband.  We had an incident not too long ago, with “smelly” things in the bathroom.  Since then, his key phrase has been that twatwaffles are never buttery.

When good twatwaffles go BAD

Houston...we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone bad

Ok, so first, I’m sorry.  Yes, that is right……you heard me bitches….I said that I am SORRY.  Sorry for not blogging lately…..for not checking out your blogs, in general for being a lazy douche. 

After saying that….I’ve changed my mind…FUCK YOU!  I have been incredibly busy kow-tow’ing to the work masters that I just haven’t had time to post anything.  Also, I have been a little bit of a blogging funk lately, and find myself staring at the blinking curser.  (Blink, Blink, Blink – it is fucking taunting me)

Also, I have been tormented by my “fixed” Satelitte Radio, after spending a week listening to Nancy Grace, Jane Velez Mitchell and Dr. Drew, I firmly believe that come December 21, 2012 that either the Aliens or the Path of Destruction needs to wipe some peeps out.   Seriously, quit killing your kids and stop using Twitter to fucking out people and be complete douchebags.  That’s the problem with today’s social media, no one reasons shit out, they just post all their fucked up shit without taking a moment to activate your god damn filter.    (I know that mine is broke sometimes, but sheesh, can’t we all just get along)

Damn, I make cute babies

Ok – I’ve gotten off my stool.  It makes me feel taller…..don’t judge.

Soooo….on to other “news”……

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to my BFF My BFF (FFFFF) Jenn.  She came to visit me so that we could go out last weekend and we had a blast.  We started the day with champagne and mani/pedi’s.  My nails are so sparkly, I almost wrecked our car while I was gazing at them lovingly.  Jenn and I both would get distracted by the shiny lovliness and forget talking to each other while we stared at our shiny nails. 

We concluded our evening with a night at the bar.  Hubby was generous enough to drop Jenn, R, and myself off at the bar so that we could continue with the birthday festivities.  R and I tormented Jenn by not letting her hide behind us while boys were trying to butt hump her and also we stuck her dancing with lots of “random” parties.

 I would like to say that we had excellent photos of this journey, but alas, I left the photo taking to R…..epic FAIL.  It’s very difficult to take pictures with one eye open…..I think that I am going to change R’s name to “Mad Eye Moody”  as her picture taking consisted of our boobs, half of our faces, the ceiling, the floor and other random parts.  Damn, I love that girl.  

Where is Jenn's head??

And...its the boob and half face shot...R.....you KILL ME

R also had the “brilliant” idea that we should walk home, like a mile….after drinking….dancing…..eating…..and drinking…..and….it’s fucking cold…..and I have heels on…..and you fucking drunk wait up for me.  So after spending the first half mile trying to keep R on the side walk, we have to split up so that Jenn and I can head to my house and R to her house (up the hill….bwwaaaa) 

 That fucking bitch called her hubby and pussed out.  Meanwhile, Jenn and I stagger home at 2 a.m. desperately trying to avoid peoples sprinklers and stay out of sight of the po-po.   As soon as we crawled into the house, I was so glad to snuggle next to hubby and defrost.  I think Jenn might of slept with the dog, he just hasn’t been the same since she left….(kidding lady)

Then…..this happened………

So, I went to Homegoods the other day and bought this aroma fragrance stick thingy.  It smelled really good in the store and I thought it looked really pretty and would go great in my bathroom on one of the shelves. 

This is EXACTLY what it looked it!

Fast forward a couple of days……

.

Me:  (Sitting on the potty, playing scrabble on my Nook, new FAV thing to do…except for the vast imprint of toilet ring on my ass)

Hubby:  (Pacing in front of the bathroom door, looking worried)

Me:  Baby, do you need something?  I am just going pee, whats up?

Hubby:  Don’t be mad

Me:  Okayyyyyyyyy

Hubby:  I think that you need to go to the doctor…

Me:  Okay…and why do you think this?

Hubby:  I think, umm, I mean, I don’t know who to say this, please don’t be offended, I am just trying to look out after you.  I love you…you know.

Me:  OK….I am confused here?

Hubby:  I think….I think…that you have a female problem!

Me:  And that this??

Hubby:  Ok, I’m just going to say it…..you smell funky down there

Everyone's a Critic

Me:  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Hubby:  Well, and don’t be offended.  Every time you go the bathroom there is this really nasty smell and maybe you have some sort of infection that is making your pee/vag smell.  I'm just trying to be helpful here.

Me:  Like you were down there and it smelled…?

Hubby:  No, I only notice it after you pee.

Me:  (Wiping, Flushing, Standing Up)  (Grab the white flowers smelly thing)  Does it smell like this??  (Shoving it up in his face)

Hubby:  AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH, GET THAT FUNKY ASS VAG SMELL AWAY FROM ME

Me:  It’s the aroma thing, not my vag…..thanks

Hubby:  Why on god’s green earth would they make white flowers smell like tuna casserole vag baked in a whore’s yeast pocket.

Me:  I’ll just throw it away.

Hubby:  I am so glad it wasn’t you, sooo…hey….wanna do it now?

Me:  Are you sure you want to chance it with the stinky speedway?

Hubby:  You know I love you, and it was for your own good

Me:  Take your clothes off