Beware the vagina apocalypse

GAAAAAAA…….it’s starting!

Vagina gate has officially entered our household.  

It was actually really appropriate that the first blog that I read this morning was Oh Noa’s blog (Vagina Pinata's) about throwing  a party when your daughter travels that mysterious road from being a cute little elementary school kid to one that is “swollen with evil, starts rotting, and the devil then takes them as a toxic vessel for his purpose”  

Otherwise known as the trip from girl to “womanhood”. 

AWW Baby

Last night, my 9 year old (almost 10) started screaming in the shower.  As I made a mad dash up the stairs screaming, “What’s wrong, what’s happening!!!”  I get to the door and hear this, “OMG 

(she actually says O-M-G) 

Mom, I have HAIR on my pee-pee!  I am thinking to myself, pffttt right….it’s just those soft downy baby hairs that most of them have all over their bodies.  You know, the cute stuff that makes them look all angelic and sweet and young.  No…it wasn’t.  It was a very sparse chemo kitty collection of wiry dark hair that has cropped up all over her crotch. 

I drew a picture of chemo kitty below for you all!

I am not ready for this, I am just not.  I am too young, I am too pretty, I am too afraid that they will cycle along with me and we will tip the balance of the universe with our axis of evil bitchiness.  

This will then catapult my younger daughter to rapidly enter the realm of “womanhood” and bring about the apocalypse with her menstrual anger.   I can barely contain myself, how the hell am I going to cope with the holy trifecta of gangsta vaginal anger?

What will selling cookies be like next year??

It’s bad enough that she has boobs.  Little baby booby lites that need trapping in a band aid bra, which I have to admit that I tell every family member just to cement her teenage angst against me.  

Oh, Auntie Lauren, did you see that Baby Girl has boobies now?  Aren’t they just so cute…quick baby, raise your arms so that everyone can see how cute your little boobies are!

Of course, I am exaggerating (kinda, sorta….umm…yeah)  and is it not bad enough that I have to remind them about personal odor and wiping.  But now, I have to instruct them on the use of tampons and the importance of cleaning the massive bloody mess that your crotch becomes during this time??  I can’t even get them to wipe their asses!

purchase by the case baby..by the case

I will need wine, fuck that shit, I will need ever clear to withstand this Def Con Monstration.  

And no, I will not be throwing a red tent party. 

Oh yeah, if you got any HABO (Help a Bitch Out) advice…..I wouldn’t turn you down.

SOB, SOB, SOB

Verily, its all about the Va-jay-jay

Kind of like this...but lower

I bet you didn’t know that there was a vajazzling website??  

Pffffttt, hell, neither did I…Did you know there are “how to” videos on this site?  NEITHER DID I…..Holy Spaceballs.  Did you know that people can submit their own pictures??
  

this was a "mild" picture!!!

ACCKKKKK….disco balling my lady bits…what is the world coming to??

If you are so inclined….VISIT here…They call themselves the "official" Vajazzling Site

Apparently, you can also get Vaginoplasty and have your lady bits tightened and restored so that your vagina and supporting structures get rebuilt. 


 Also, if you are feeling a little bit down in the dumps and low on self-esteem, you can also get a labiaplasty so that you can “recreate a more youthful and aesthetically pleasing external genital structure, which will enhance your self image and self-esteem!!”

I didn’t know that my bits were “aesthetically pleasing” in the first place??  And seriously people, you HAVE to thank me for not showing you the pictures that I witnessed during my research.  OMFGAWD, seriously one hoo-hoo looked like it had one of those tube worms (you know the kind that you see in warm ocean waters) coming out of their labia.

Or having plastic surgery to re-attach your hymen so that you can “re-create “ your virginity.  Seriously, seriously.  It wasn’t a basket of flowers losing it in the first place, why on earth would I want to re-create that sweaty, groping, painful, short moment?  I’ll take my experience, Hubby’s serious experience and morph them together into a toe curling session that will knock my boots off.  Pffttt…go back to the beginning…no fucking way.

 Of course, my girls chose that exact moment to check out what I was doing on the computer and we had to stop for a minute and talk about our lady bits and why things looked a certain way.

This then reminded me about all the things that my mom never told me to watch out for when having girls….

For instance……..

A discussion on why Barbie’s feet do not get inserted into our privates when we are in the bathtub.

Why we can’t fit bathtub letters up there either, for that matter.

Why it isn’t acceptable do walk around naked and smack our private parts while dancing.

Or that your girls from infant to 3 can get labial adhesions where the hole totally closes up??  Yeah, that one was a little scary when I changed the diaper of Girl #1.  I swear I sat there for a moment and was like????  I picked her up, turned her over and started counting holes.  I swear to god, for a minute I almost got a mirror to check myself.  After hyperventilating for a second, I called the Pedi – apparently its totally normal and with a little topical hormonal cream, it opened back up.  Although, the pediatrician did not appreciate my hubby’s humor of asking if we could keep it that way until she was 18. 

To quote Joe Rogan…embrace the power of the pussy…but just don’t show me.  And chillax on the bedazzling....your hoo hoo is blinding me!!

Houston...we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone bad

Ok, so first, I’m sorry.  Yes, that is right……you heard me bitches….I said that I am SORRY.  Sorry for not blogging lately…..for not checking out your blogs, in general for being a lazy douche. 

After saying that….I’ve changed my mind…FUCK YOU!  I have been incredibly busy kow-tow’ing to the work masters that I just haven’t had time to post anything.  Also, I have been a little bit of a blogging funk lately, and find myself staring at the blinking curser.  (Blink, Blink, Blink – it is fucking taunting me)

Also, I have been tormented by my “fixed” Satelitte Radio, after spending a week listening to Nancy Grace, Jane Velez Mitchell and Dr. Drew, I firmly believe that come December 21, 2012 that either the Aliens or the Path of Destruction needs to wipe some peeps out.   Seriously, quit killing your kids and stop using Twitter to fucking out people and be complete douchebags.  That’s the problem with today’s social media, no one reasons shit out, they just post all their fucked up shit without taking a moment to activate your god damn filter.    (I know that mine is broke sometimes, but sheesh, can’t we all just get along)

Damn, I make cute babies

Ok – I’ve gotten off my stool.  It makes me feel taller…..don’t judge.

Soooo….on to other “news”……

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to my BFF My BFF (FFFFF) Jenn.  She came to visit me so that we could go out last weekend and we had a blast.  We started the day with champagne and mani/pedi’s.  My nails are so sparkly, I almost wrecked our car while I was gazing at them lovingly.  Jenn and I both would get distracted by the shiny lovliness and forget talking to each other while we stared at our shiny nails. 

We concluded our evening with a night at the bar.  Hubby was generous enough to drop Jenn, R, and myself off at the bar so that we could continue with the birthday festivities.  R and I tormented Jenn by not letting her hide behind us while boys were trying to butt hump her and also we stuck her dancing with lots of “random” parties.

 I would like to say that we had excellent photos of this journey, but alas, I left the photo taking to R…..epic FAIL.  It’s very difficult to take pictures with one eye open…..I think that I am going to change R’s name to “Mad Eye Moody”  as her picture taking consisted of our boobs, half of our faces, the ceiling, the floor and other random parts.  Damn, I love that girl.  

Where is Jenn's head??

And...its the boob and half face shot...R.....you KILL ME

R also had the “brilliant” idea that we should walk home, like a mile….after drinking….dancing…..eating…..and drinking…..and….it’s fucking cold…..and I have heels on…..and you fucking drunk wait up for me.  So after spending the first half mile trying to keep R on the side walk, we have to split up so that Jenn and I can head to my house and R to her house (up the hill….bwwaaaa) 

 That fucking bitch called her hubby and pussed out.  Meanwhile, Jenn and I stagger home at 2 a.m. desperately trying to avoid peoples sprinklers and stay out of sight of the po-po.   As soon as we crawled into the house, I was so glad to snuggle next to hubby and defrost.  I think Jenn might of slept with the dog, he just hasn’t been the same since she left….(kidding lady)

Then…..this happened………

So, I went to Homegoods the other day and bought this aroma fragrance stick thingy.  It smelled really good in the store and I thought it looked really pretty and would go great in my bathroom on one of the shelves. 

This is EXACTLY what it looked it!

Fast forward a couple of days……

.

Me:  (Sitting on the potty, playing scrabble on my Nook, new FAV thing to do…except for the vast imprint of toilet ring on my ass)

Hubby:  (Pacing in front of the bathroom door, looking worried)

Me:  Baby, do you need something?  I am just going pee, whats up?

Hubby:  Don’t be mad

Me:  Okayyyyyyyyy

Hubby:  I think that you need to go to the doctor…

Me:  Okay…and why do you think this?

Hubby:  I think, umm, I mean, I don’t know who to say this, please don’t be offended, I am just trying to look out after you.  I love you…you know.

Me:  OK….I am confused here?

Hubby:  I think….I think…that you have a female problem!

Me:  And that this??

Hubby:  Ok, I’m just going to say it…..you smell funky down there

Everyone's a Critic

Me:  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Hubby:  Well, and don’t be offended.  Every time you go the bathroom there is this really nasty smell and maybe you have some sort of infection that is making your pee/vag smell.  I'm just trying to be helpful here.

Me:  Like you were down there and it smelled…?

Hubby:  No, I only notice it after you pee.

Me:  (Wiping, Flushing, Standing Up)  (Grab the white flowers smelly thing)  Does it smell like this??  (Shoving it up in his face)

Hubby:  AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH, GET THAT FUNKY ASS VAG SMELL AWAY FROM ME

Me:  It’s the aroma thing, not my vag…..thanks

Hubby:  Why on god’s green earth would they make white flowers smell like tuna casserole vag baked in a whore’s yeast pocket.

Me:  I’ll just throw it away.

Hubby:  I am so glad it wasn’t you, sooo…hey….wanna do it now?

Me:  Are you sure you want to chance it with the stinky speedway?

Hubby:  You know I love you, and it was for your own good

Me:  Take your clothes off

Vagina.....table for two, and why yes my t-shirt does say pussy

“Would you like to see my two vaginas?”  Yep, you heard me.  It's a new party ice breaker according to Hazel Jones.................

And I'm not afraid to show you-show you

Jazzy Hazel Vaj-jay Jones says that she is “quite happy to show you” her dominant right vagina and the pencil thin left one.  That’s right peeps, she has two vaginas, two cervixes and two uteruses….uterus diddly-do-do or if you want the technical term, it’s “uterus didelphys” 

When I told hubby about this, he said, “Wow, exciting, a place for your dick and your hands”.  This could be great for girls (like me) who think that the pooper shoot is one way, going out.  I know some of you ladies and gent's like it - but my preference is no, thank you.  Hubby keeps saying that as I near 40 I might change my mind, but that is highly doubtful.  And yes, Jenn, why I say no to butt sex because hilarity does not ensue - I say yes to my USB port Lelo Gigi Pleasure object.  Yes, that is right.....pleasure object.  Check out the reviews at Freddy and Eddy

Freddy and Eddy

As for the double vaggies , I just wonder, if you cycle around yourself?  Or have double bread making (that’s what we call yeast infections) Think of the wind instruments you could play between the vag gas and the butt gas.  As a side note, my 6-year old ripped the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard, then turns to me and says….”Holy Guacamole, Mom, my bucksnort ricochet through my pee-pee”.  Klassy….we are klassy.

And now a new collection of my favorite t-shirts:

Pyro Ass

Or anything on my face, I will stab you

Don't make me cap your ass bitch

Douche-tastic

And stabbings

Head, Pants NOW

No

And wives don't swallow

I'm bringing sexy back

Just one time, I want to see the guy wearing this

Jenn - I bought this for you

For Easy, duh

This is whatz happenin on Saturday