Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Houston...we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone bad

Ok, so first, I’m sorry.  Yes, that is right……you heard me bitches….I said that I am SORRY.  Sorry for not blogging lately…..for not checking out your blogs, in general for being a lazy douche. 
After saying that….I’ve changed my mind…FUCK YOU!  I have been incredibly busy kow-tow’ing to the work masters that I just haven’t had time to post anything.  Also, I have been a little bit of a blogging funk lately, and find myself staring at the blinking curser.  (Blink, Blink, Blink – it is fucking taunting me)

Also, I have been tormented by my “fixed” Satelitte Radio, after spending a week listening to Nancy Grace, Jane Velez Mitchell and Dr. Drew, I firmly believe that come December 21, 2012 that either the Aliens or the Path of Destruction needs to wipe some peeps out.   Seriously, quit killing your kids and stop using Twitter to fucking out people and be complete douchebags.  That’s the problem with today’s social media, no one reasons shit out, they just post all their fucked up shit without taking a moment to activate your god damn filter.    (I know that mine is broke sometimes, but sheesh, can’t we all just get along)

Damn, I make cute babies

Ok – I’ve gotten off my stool.  It makes me feel taller…..don’t judge.

Soooo….on to other “news”……

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to my BFF My BFF (FFFFF) Jenn.  She came to visit me so that we could go out last weekend and we had a blast.  We started the day with champagne and mani/pedi’s.  My nails are so sparkly, I almost wrecked our car while I was gazing at them lovingly.  Jenn and I both would get distracted by the shiny lovliness and forget talking to each other while we stared at our shiny nails. 

We concluded our evening with a night at the bar.  Hubby was generous enough to drop Jenn, R, and myself off at the bar so that we could continue with the birthday festivities.  R and I tormented Jenn by not letting her hide behind us while boys were trying to butt hump her and also we stuck her dancing with lots of “random” parties.

 I would like to say that we had excellent photos of this journey, but alas, I left the photo taking to R…..epic FAIL.  It’s very difficult to take pictures with one eye open…..I think that I am going to change R’s name to “Mad Eye Moody”  as her picture taking consisted of our boobs, half of our faces, the ceiling, the floor and other random parts.  Damn, I love that girl.  

Where is Jenn's head??

And...its the boob and half face KILL ME

R also had the “brilliant” idea that we should walk home, like a mile….after drinking….dancing…..eating…..and drinking…..and….it’s fucking cold…..and I have heels on…..and you fucking drunk wait up for me.  So after spending the first half mile trying to keep R on the side walk, we have to split up so that Jenn and I can head to my house and R to her house (up the hill….bwwaaaa) 

 That fucking bitch called her hubby and pussed out.  Meanwhile, Jenn and I stagger home at 2 a.m. desperately trying to avoid peoples sprinklers and stay out of sight of the po-po.   As soon as we crawled into the house, I was so glad to snuggle next to hubby and defrost.  I think Jenn might of slept with the dog, he just hasn’t been the same since she left….(kidding lady)

Then…..this happened………

So, I went to Homegoods the other day and bought this aroma fragrance stick thingy.  It smelled really good in the store and I thought it looked really pretty and would go great in my bathroom on one of the shelves. 

This is EXACTLY what it looked it!

Fast forward a couple of days……
Me:  (Sitting on the potty, playing scrabble on my Nook, new FAV thing to do…except for the vast imprint of toilet ring on my ass)

Hubby:  (Pacing in front of the bathroom door, looking worried)

Me:  Baby, do you need something?  I am just going pee, whats up?

Hubby:  Don’t be mad

Me:  Okayyyyyyyyy

Hubby:  I think that you need to go to the doctor…

Me:  Okay…and why do you think this?

Hubby:  I think, umm, I mean, I don’t know who to say this, please don’t be offended, I am just trying to look out after you.  I love you…you know.

Me:  OK….I am confused here?

Hubby:  I think….I think…that you have a female problem!

Me:  And that this??

Hubby:  Ok, I’m just going to say it… smell funky down there

Everyone's a Critic


Hubby:  Well, and don’t be offended.  Every time you go the bathroom there is this really nasty smell and maybe you have some sort of infection that is making your pee/vag smell.  I'm just trying to be helpful here.

Me:  Like you were down there and it smelled…?

Hubby:  No, I only notice it after you pee.

Me:  (Wiping, Flushing, Standing Up)  (Grab the white flowers smelly thing)  Does it smell like this??  (Shoving it up in his face)


Me:  It’s the aroma thing, not my vag…..thanks

Hubby:  Why on god’s green earth would they make white flowers smell like tuna casserole vag baked in a whore’s yeast pocket.

Me:  I’ll just throw it away.

Hubby:  I am so glad it wasn’t you, sooo…hey….wanna do it now?

Me:  Are you sure you want to chance it with the stinky speedway?

Hubby:  You know I love you, and it was for your own good

Me:  Take your clothes off

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