How sexting turned into waterboarding

I am one very lucky girl, and I know it.  After 11 years of marriage, 14 years of sleeping with only each other and 2 hell raisin’ girl children, I still have a husband that humps my back every time I bend over.

And something even better, he still rocks my world.  Now, I am not saying that we don’t bicker, or that we don’t pick on each other, but outside of that…….he is the best around.

The most amusing parts of my day are the random texts that I get from him…..

(Note:  Every picture here..hubby texted me along with Cosmo’s brief synopsis of what the position involved, if you are interested…here is the link Cosmos's Bringing Sexy Back)

One day, he texted me this picture of the sexy sprinkler, you see, he thinks that is it is the fucking funniest thing ever to text me these pictures from Cosmo.  He says that the reason why (1) he is all about making sure that the O’s are the best, and (2) he’s just checkin in to see what new spicy spicy thoughts might help him get laid.  (Not that I don’t mind….until the drowning)

Sexy Sprinkler – Where you bend over outside, fingers touching your toes, apparently you are to INHALE the fresh grass because it heightens your sensations, and you are to do the humpy humpy right over the sprinkler so that it can hit you in the clit.  My luck, I would water board myself while sniffing the wet grass that is covered in dog poo, while my dogs run around like mad outside trying to figure out how to get in on the action.

Then there was the couch-canoodle.  See, I have this issue about butt juice on the leather.  I don’t want your naked ass or my naked ass, or any other naked parts touching the couch that I lay on to watch TV. 

So he sent me head game and I reminded him that I am a midget

So he sent me the lusty leg lift, and my reply was, “hellllooooo…was my Willow status not obvious???” Dude, you would be so poking my belly button.

Then there was the love triangle – it just hurts me looking at this one, I mean, I am flexible…but not dat flexible!  I feel like this is one of those ink blot test...I feel like I failed the insert tab A into Slot B quiz.

Mover and shaker…not bad….not bad

Now the pleasure pick me up….just sounds like a bad jamba juice drink.

Oh Oh OH, how about the Standing Tiger…crouching dragon….hmmm…maybe I could get behind that one (hardee har har)

The Octopus – just looks like too much arm work.

And last but not least…the Dirty Dangle (yes that is what Cosmo called it) Apparently it’s good for deep thrusting but not so good for deep thoughts as all the blood will be pumping to your head.  Cosmo says that this enhances the pleasure, but what good is the dirty dangle gonna do if I pass out….never mind honey don’t answer that!

But keep sending them baby, because I love you!