How sexting turned into waterboarding

I am one very lucky girl, and I know it.  After 11 years of marriage, 14 years of sleeping with only each other and 2 hell raisin’ girl children, I still have a husband that humps my back every time I bend over.

And something even better, he still rocks my world.  Now, I am not saying that we don’t bicker, or that we don’t pick on each other, but outside of that…….he is the best around.

The most amusing parts of my day are the random texts that I get from him…..

(Note:  Every picture here..hubby texted me along with Cosmo’s brief synopsis of what the position involved, if you are interested…here is the link Cosmos's Bringing Sexy Back)

One day, he texted me this picture of the sexy sprinkler, you see, he thinks that is it is the fucking funniest thing ever to text me these pictures from Cosmo.  He says that the reason why (1) he is all about making sure that the O’s are the best, and (2) he’s just checkin in to see what new spicy spicy thoughts might help him get laid.  (Not that I don’t mind….until the drowning)

Sexy Sprinkler – Where you bend over outside, fingers touching your toes, apparently you are to INHALE the fresh grass because it heightens your sensations, and you are to do the humpy humpy right over the sprinkler so that it can hit you in the clit.  My luck, I would water board myself while sniffing the wet grass that is covered in dog poo, while my dogs run around like mad outside trying to figure out how to get in on the action.

Then there was the couch-canoodle.  See, I have this issue about butt juice on the leather.  I don’t want your naked ass or my naked ass, or any other naked parts touching the couch that I lay on to watch TV. 

So he sent me head game and I reminded him that I am a midget

So he sent me the lusty leg lift, and my reply was, “hellllooooo…was my Willow status not obvious???” Dude, you would be so poking my belly button.

Then there was the love triangle – it just hurts me looking at this one, I mean, I am flexible…but not dat flexible!  I feel like this is one of those ink blot test...I feel like I failed the insert tab A into Slot B quiz.

Mover and shaker…not bad….not bad

Now the pleasure pick me up….just sounds like a bad jamba juice drink.

Oh Oh OH, how about the Standing Tiger…crouching dragon….hmmm…maybe I could get behind that one (hardee har har)

The Octopus – just looks like too much arm work.

And last but not least…the Dirty Dangle (yes that is what Cosmo called it) Apparently it’s good for deep thrusting but not so good for deep thoughts as all the blood will be pumping to your head.  Cosmo says that this enhances the pleasure, but what good is the dirty dangle gonna do if I pass out….never mind honey don’t answer that!

But keep sending them baby, because I love you!

I can make your skin glow, 'cause I am a saint, Y'all!

Did you know??  Did YA Did YA??  This is awesome!

My brother sent me this picture, it's perfecto for a few reasons....

One...you have ask for assistance to reach me.  Seriously, I would need assistance to reach myself!  I can see how this would go down in the grocery store...umm..hello....can you help me reach myself!  Oh MY GOD, I just might have to do this and take pictures of the reactions.

Note to all - if you drink me...let me know how I taste!

Oh yes, I can go on FOREVER!

Company Overview

Jana natural mineral water is a 7,000 year-old secret of nature nestled amongst the St. Jana hills. Silky smooth taste, pristine purity and perfectly balanced mineral composition are what make Jana our source of life.

Jana natural mineral water was a well-kept secret for thousands of years in an 800-metre-deep well amongst the hills of St. Jana.

Jana’s origin stems from a time of totally unpolluted nature, before anything we know today. It was kept well protected under layers of mineral rocks, gradually filtered and naturally enriched with minerals. 

Jana is characterized by a silky smooth taste, perfectly balanced ratio of calcium and magnesium and a pH value of 7.4, equal to the pH value of our blood. Such natural balance makes Jana a perfect part of a healthy lifestyle. Among other minerals, Jana also contains silica, an essential trace element responsible for our skin’s healthy glow. 

Nowadays, when we do not have so much time to take care of ourselves, it is good to know that there is always a piece of untouched nature that can, indeed, be with us at any moment. With each opening of natural and pure Jana water, its pristine values truly become a part of us.

Become a part of me...truly...LOL

Kewl Kids ala John Hughes

If John Hughes wasn’t already dead, I would like to punch him in the face and then hug him really tight for ruining my high school life and making the best sappy movies ever.  (Cameron Crowe also deserves a swift kick in the ass too!!)

Why can’t Jake Ryan pick me up after church when I was in High School??  Instead I either had to walk home or have my Dad pick me up while he was belting out Lay Lady Lay or Come Dancing; I don’t think that either Bob Dylan or the Kinks appreciated his massacring of these songs.

Why could I not have a best Friend named Ducky??  What the FUCK?  Why couldn’t I have someone that would be secretly in love with me, but at the same time could let me know that my ass looked fat in my hand sewn sack dress?  Oh, the humanity!  Instead I managed to hook up with every psychotic girl thinking that they would have my back.  Yeah, I’ll put that life lesson right up there with the boy that tried to tell me that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up. 

 I wasn’t ruh-tarded (French Version) enough to listen to that smooth move.

Why couldn’t of my detention included sitting with a random group of kids, getting high and making fast friends across the great “coolness” divide?  Instead, my detention for skipping an entire semester of sewing class (Side Note:  yeah, who the hell wouldn’t skip that in high school??  

However, I deeply regret it now as I massacre my husband’s pant hem while he mocks me) 

Anyhoo, my detention for skipping sewing with my peppermint schnapps swizzling teacher was washing cars.  Specifically, the football coach and tennis coaches cars, wearing shorts and a tank top, while they sat in lawn chairs watching us.  (Looking back, umm…yeah, I think that was wrong)

And what the hell!!!  Why didn’t the guys in my high school’s auto shop class look like Eric Stoltz?  For the love of everything cinemanity!!  The guys in auto shop in my high school could watch you coming down the corridor with one eye, while keeping the other eye perfectly trained on the opposite corridor.  I never knew that 14 year old boys could grow mountain men beards or that 6 fingers were considered a sign of luck.  (Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya).

And for the love of sweet baby jesus, why could I not have a day like Ferris’s?  Seriously, I would make that shit epic!  I probably wouldn’t be alive today, but still, I wanted to go to a high school like that.  Damn, was Charlie HAWT in that movie??  Cocaine and hookers….they put the cray cray in everyone.

And you Cameron Crowe, you I find to be especially fiendish.  What girl did not want someone to stand below their window, busting out the most romantic song ever just to tell you that they love you?  Peter Gabriel, I seriously H-E-A-R-T you.  Me, I get the boy that wanted to clarify that if I was dumping him, was it okay for him to hit it with my mom.  WHATTHEFUCK?? 

  

And John Cusack, don’t think that I will let you off lightly either…..First, the fact that you showed me that my mom’s Jell-O salad could move has ruined decades of Thanksgivings for me.   

Second, why the hell couldn’t my high school reunion included a contract killer?  Instead, aging cheer leaders and glory dying sports jocks peppered that visit.  

Third, I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS! (With interest you bastard, that means you owe me six gazbillion dollars)

Note to my kids….you WILL watch these movies and know every line instead of the crappy drivel that Disney and Nick tries to poison you with!

Eating yourself and nothing....cause I have nothing

So, its a slow day and I've been really busy at work.  Also, I have been trying not to blow my wad before the A-Z blogging challenge, since I have to blog EVERY DAY in April.  EVERY DAY.....

I have been emailing myself ideas and some of them are really good......let's hope!!  Some of them are a little crazy because I was probably a little loopy and thought something was really funny....and now....I can't even remember what I thought was so funny about it.

Whatevs...

January Jones eats her placenta

So, I was watching the news the other night and they were talking about January Jones from Mad Men eating her placenta.  Now, ewwww.  That is just nasty, why would you want to eat your afterbirth??  I don't care how you think this helps you.  The reason that animals eat their own afterbirth...IS BECAUSE THEY ARE ANIMALS!   My dog eats the shit of my other dog as it is dropping out of her butt.  This does not mean that I need to hunker down and eat this shit too!   People, get a grip.  We are not malnutritioned, we don't need this extra protein.

I don't care how you cook it....its nasty.

It's almost as bad as the mall that was pumping the smell of breast milk through the HVAC system to make people happier.  


Really??  Booby juice is going to make you happy?  


Well...wait a second...it made my girls fat and sassy....maybe it can make others too!   

So now that I am out of things to say (I need to last longer for later, damn it!!)  I give you THIS

Shine on Vin Diesel...Shine on.....

Courtesy of Mandi over at Smexy books.  Mandi @ Smexy!!  Who not only provides high quality pictures, but also rocks it with the book reviews!!  She has never given me a bad recommendation!!

And now...Elvis has left the building

Update - Check out Monica's blog....she has recipes....for placenta cocktails....SO WRONG

Monica @ Dirty Hooker

Is that a gun on your Vagina?

Annie....bitch, get your GUN

So, I am currently working on a project to turn a crack house into a refurbished residential "live/work" space.  Essentially, it will eventually turn into a crack house, but for right now we are going to pretend that people aren't complete douche-canoes and they will treat this new building with over 100 units with "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"  Ah...ha ha... 

This place is dark, and scary, and there are boarded up rooms where I get to play pretend cop/commando and kick open doors so that I can (1) Run away and scream like the girl that I am if anyone is in there or (2) that the dead body that is in the room will get hit by the door and I wont have to stand there long before I run away and scream like a girl.  

It was in one of these moments that I found this.....in a room....with other things.  

Armed with my mag light...cause really...if you are going to "play" cop you need a good set of handcuffs and a mag light.  Since I was at work, the handcuffs had to stay at home, but the fucking mag light...its on bitches.

So as I kick open the door, I notice the smell...EWWWWKK....and then I notice the bottles of 409, blankets, a mini coleman stove, the obligatory druggie mess (needles, stash shit, etc) and in the corner was this........

There are a couple of things to note on this picture....the artwork, the gun at the vagina, the beer wrapped in a paper bag cozy, the flames on one side of the boobie and maybe water art on the other boobie?,  the fact that it has some sort of strap to help anchor it to your body, and the one thing that you cannot see which I refused to get any closer to "Manny" (my name for her) was the "shine" on its lower half.  

Manny....you are a dirty whore and I refuse to touch you.  Some poor subcontractor is going to have to remove you from my job.

As I walk out of the back crack ho office, I notice this piece of lovely art on the wall.....(and as side note, don't get me wrong, some of the art work in here is pretty good)

But that FAT PUSSY.........

  

That bitch has marked her territory ALL over my fucking building.  She has even put her mark on the EXTERIOR of the building.  

Fat pussy is one territorial bitch.  

I think that I saw her today at one of the four liquor stores that are at each of my building corners. 

 No, I am not shitting you.....a liquor store on every corner.  

And with that......I'm done blogging about the "writing on the wall"

I am IM'POTENT.....or at least in my own mind

So first off, apparently I was awarded a Liebsters Blog Award from Britt over at Polkadot Clovers  

Apparently, I have fooled that bitch into thinking that I am a funny and witty new blogger.  MUAHHHAHAHAHA…….(evil ringing of hands here), little does she know that it is just a jedi mind trick.

Really, I would like to thank Little Miss Britt for the honors, I am merely watching the world around me and providing incredibly snarky commentary on what I see.  I am a mere hack compared to some of these other peeps, and I am incredibly grateful for each and every one of you that stops by to read what I have to say.  Heartfelt thanks to you all! 

So the rules of the Liebster Blog Award, must the followed (YO) or you will break the chain and the crazy Chinese Lady will totally NO AND THEN YOU!  

Rules as follows:

If you are awarded the Liebster Blog Award, here are the rules you “have” to follow.

1.        Link back to the person who gave you the award.  Yes, you must thank this bitch for thinking that you are pretty witty and/or awesome and/or I had no one else to nominate and/or I think your pretty and/or that dress looks nice on you and/or aahh…fuck it….I think your cool!

2.       Pick five other deserving bloggers to give the Liebster Blog Award to who have less than 200 followers.  You must also say nice things and tell them why they are the fucking bomb.  Which is easy because I only have kool friends!

And I bestow the funky chicken statues tooooooooooooo………………………….

Charity at Metamorphosis  You know when you talk to someone and you hear Angels Singing, like this was meant to be?  Well, when I first met Charity is was so not like that (kidding).  Charity and I are cut from the same cloth.  Opinionated, frank, slightly fucked up, seriously fucked up sense of humor, and the ability to piss people off and make them love you at the same time.  Peas in a Blog.

Jenn at the Pondering Pisces   Jenn and I have known each other IRL (In Real Life for you slow bitches) for almost 12 years.  Jenn might heckle me about calling other girls “besties” but there is only one true best friend that I have and that is Jenn.  She is dynamic, funny, beautiful, witty, and snarky all wrapped up into one fabulous package.  I should tell her more often how much I love her, but since her birthday is coming up and we are going out…..I will just have to post the pictures to prove it!  (PS – R if you are reading….you’re  coming with us…YO…it will be EPIC)

Mandi at Atypically Relevant  Fucking Mandi – I knew that we were soul sisters the moment you posted about making your own dildo…..You are fucking RAD.

The one, the only, Ninja that fends off fucktards and can keep the whores in check, all in one night Front Desk Ninja    Holy Shit, I want to spend just one day hanging out with her at the front desk.  I promise to amuse her with my witty commentary if she lets me hang with her at the Front Desk.  She’s brutal, dynamic, and funny as hell.

And last, but certainly not least…that Dirty Hooker Monica……how can you not love a blog called Dirty Hooker.  Monica is my kind of girl!  From tacky Jesus pictures to that god damn Marquis De Sade painting…girl…..you fucking kill me.

And now, I would like to share some reasons with you all as to why I am so incredibly talented.....

See, this is my parents.....kind of explains it huh......

And the offspring that they produced (meaning me) takes the same amusing pictures

Here is my grandfather, the sign says "Beware of the Orange Baron", he used to mow the grass in his Air Force flight suit....fucking hilarious.  I also included nice pictures of my grandparents....they were my best friends

These are two of my favorite pictures of my grandparents.  My grandfather never left the house without his martini.....the drive from their house in Hawaii to dinner were always the most interesting in my life.  And who else gets taken to Europe over the summer and gets to live in a house on the French Riveria...Yeah, me Bitches!!















Now then, we arrive to my formative years of why the hell I am so crazy......maybe that because we always thought it was funny to take pictures of the "private moments"  Like when Dad is peeing in the lake.











Or when your brother is "busy" sleeping

High School....were we tied a tampon to the car antenna just to see who would notice....

                                                                                                         Or dared each other to stick stuff up our noses.....like bracelets....

College......and our neighbors fridge....says it all

And wouldn't you know that I would meet a man...who's first baby picture shows him giving everyone the bird.....man....I love him.

And a special shout out to our dogs.....who drank tequilla, ate weed, and would lie on their backs while we got drunk playing board games.....just to amuse us!

 So one day, I hope to look like this, since this is my Mom.  59 years old......and who is known to throw out the ole "I used to party like a rock star before there were rock stars....biotches".  I kid you not.













And here is my costume that I made for Halloween last year, that's right y'all.  I was the "Naughty Spottie" while hubby wore his fire turn outs.  And you know what that bastard did, when I was good and drunk....he managed to clip a leash on me....fucker....for the rest of the night everyone was stepping on my leash and I was gasping and choking.  Fucking Retards....

 And our offspring making the Gene Simmons "Kiss" Face.

Until next time BIOTCHES