Eating yourself and nothing....cause I have nothing

So, its a slow day and I've been really busy at work.  Also, I have been trying not to blow my wad before the A-Z blogging challenge, since I have to blog EVERY DAY in April.  EVERY DAY.....

I have been emailing myself ideas and some of them are really good......let's hope!!  Some of them are a little crazy because I was probably a little loopy and thought something was really funny....and now....I can't even remember what I thought was so funny about it.

Whatevs...

January Jones eats her placenta

So, I was watching the news the other night and they were talking about January Jones from Mad Men eating her placenta.  Now, ewwww.  That is just nasty, why would you want to eat your afterbirth??  I don't care how you think this helps you.  The reason that animals eat their own afterbirth...IS BECAUSE THEY ARE ANIMALS!   My dog eats the shit of my other dog as it is dropping out of her butt.  This does not mean that I need to hunker down and eat this shit too!   People, get a grip.  We are not malnutritioned, we don't need this extra protein.

I don't care how you cook it....its nasty.

It's almost as bad as the mall that was pumping the smell of breast milk through the HVAC system to make people happier.  


Really??  Booby juice is going to make you happy?  


Well...wait a second...it made my girls fat and sassy....maybe it can make others too!   

So now that I am out of things to say (I need to last longer for later, damn it!!)  I give you THIS

Shine on Vin Diesel...Shine on.....

Courtesy of Mandi over at Smexy books.  Mandi @ Smexy!!  Who not only provides high quality pictures, but also rocks it with the book reviews!!  She has never given me a bad recommendation!!

And now...Elvis has left the building

Update - Check out Monica's blog....she has recipes....for placenta cocktails....SO WRONG

Monica @ Dirty Hooker

They're BAAAAACKKKKKKK.........

My girls have been visiting their grandparents (respectively) until last night.  And until last night…..

all was good. 

You see, I thought it would be a good idea.  One child goes with one grandparent and one child goes with another, so they each get quality one on one time and get a break from each other.  

Until I got the first phone call…..

Awww.......aren't they cute (NOT)

Me:  Hello Sweet Baby

AB#1:   Mommy, what is Grammie’s number so that I can call sissy?

Me:  Why do you want to call sissy??  Enjoy your Grandpa time

AB#1:  Because I miss her and want to talk to her.

Me:  (Inside ma head…WHAT THE FUCK) Umm, ok, call Grammie on her cell phone.

And now, fast forward to yesterday afternoon……and a call from the Nanny

Nanny:  Jana, what time will AB#1 be coming home, we are sitting outside.

Me:  WHATTT??

Nanny:  Yes, AB#2 has decided that we need to sit outside and wait until AB#1 gets home.  So for the past hour and a half we have been sitting in the driveway waiting for her.  And when I finally called quits on that, we had to wait on the stairs inside the house with the front door and window open, so we don’t miss her.

Me:  (Dying Laughing) Umm…sorry Nanny

And then……when they finally meet….

AB#1:  No, you be quiet, you are so mean…I am going to tell Mom!

AB#2:  Sobbing….so you are so mean…get out of my way….why you push me around….MOOOOOMMMMM

AB#1:  Agh…OOOFF…MOOOOMMMMM……..she pushed me

AB#2:  MOOOOMMMMMM

AB#1: No, MOOOOMMMM….she is lying

AB#2:  I called her first…. (insert various shrill screams)

Me:  Getting out the red cup to fill up!

So after they passed out and were slightly detoxed from all of the spoiling.  

Hubby and I went in the hot tub, I appropriately armed with my red solo cup filled to the brim with wine and Hubby (the good little boy) brought his water cup.  Which, I would like to say was promptly slurped by one of the dogs.  My wine…..those dogs will not touch for fear of MY WRATH.

Yes, he is a cute silver lab.......but that mouth eats poo

So my night ended like this……

Girls are home, all nestled in their beds with the balance of power restored…….Yes

Hubby and I got to have some alone time in the Hot tub time machine……….Yes

Sex complete and ready for sleepy time BEFORE 11 p.m.…………..FUCKING PRICELESS

Is that a gun on your Vagina?

Annie....bitch, get your GUN

So, I am currently working on a project to turn a crack house into a refurbished residential "live/work" space.  Essentially, it will eventually turn into a crack house, but for right now we are going to pretend that people aren't complete douche-canoes and they will treat this new building with over 100 units with "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"  Ah...ha ha... 

This place is dark, and scary, and there are boarded up rooms where I get to play pretend cop/commando and kick open doors so that I can (1) Run away and scream like the girl that I am if anyone is in there or (2) that the dead body that is in the room will get hit by the door and I wont have to stand there long before I run away and scream like a girl.  

It was in one of these moments that I found this.....in a room....with other things.  

Armed with my mag light...cause really...if you are going to "play" cop you need a good set of handcuffs and a mag light.  Since I was at work, the handcuffs had to stay at home, but the fucking mag light...its on bitches.

So as I kick open the door, I notice the smell...EWWWWKK....and then I notice the bottles of 409, blankets, a mini coleman stove, the obligatory druggie mess (needles, stash shit, etc) and in the corner was this........

There are a couple of things to note on this picture....the artwork, the gun at the vagina, the beer wrapped in a paper bag cozy, the flames on one side of the boobie and maybe water art on the other boobie?,  the fact that it has some sort of strap to help anchor it to your body, and the one thing that you cannot see which I refused to get any closer to "Manny" (my name for her) was the "shine" on its lower half.  

Manny....you are a dirty whore and I refuse to touch you.  Some poor subcontractor is going to have to remove you from my job.

As I walk out of the back crack ho office, I notice this piece of lovely art on the wall.....(and as side note, don't get me wrong, some of the art work in here is pretty good)

But that FAT PUSSY.........

  

That bitch has marked her territory ALL over my fucking building.  She has even put her mark on the EXTERIOR of the building.  

Fat pussy is one territorial bitch.  

I think that I saw her today at one of the four liquor stores that are at each of my building corners. 

 No, I am not shitting you.....a liquor store on every corner.  

And with that......I'm done blogging about the "writing on the wall"

Short ASS

So, I feel like an old lady.  

Well, I should say that I feel like a very “experienced and WORLDLY” old lady.  Because I am sore, I can hardly get up, I shuffle when I walk and my butt hurts.

Treadmill, RIIIGHHTT

For the past week, Hubby and I have been challenging each other (and no, it hasn’t been for sexual acrobatics, this time) we have been challenging each other on the treadmill.  

If Hubby does 1.5 miles, then I have to do 1.5 miles, if Hubby does 2 miles, then WHATTHEFUCK….I have to do 2 miles or suffer the SHAME and TORTURE of having him best me.  

And there ain’t NO FUCKING way, I am going to back down….unless I die, collapse, crawl, or basically do my own stunts on the treadmill. 

*I SO ALMOST TOOK OUT THE DOGS YESTERDAY*

For this reason, I am now suffering.  And it’s my own fault.  Did I have to set the speed so high or the incline so steep??

  

No?  

But do I, just to have one up on the hubby….Ummm…Yes?

I would so fuck with my kids like this when I get old

So here I sit at my desk today, dreaming of the padded donut butt ring so that my poor abused rear could get some added support.  Not that my pads of butt fat are helping, but it hurts.  

And for whatever reason, raising my arms hurts, and walking up and down my office stairs hurts, and, and, and….I’m short.

Yes, I have just realized that I am short.  And for many, many years my 6’-2” brothers (yes, I am the fucking midget milkman’s kid) have “affectionately” called me “Willow”.

Fuck YOU J.R. for telling Steve this, and Fuck you Steve for handing me a stick

I usually take their good natured razzing because I have believed the lie perpetrated on my driver’s license which indicates that I am 5’-2”.  Not incredibly tall, but not entering the oompa loompa status either. 

Until the other day. 

That’s when hubby asked me, “Really, how tall are you?”  To which, I replied, “Fuck if I know, get the tape measure.”  WHATTHEHELL….What was I thinking?  As I am being measured by hubby, he says, “Stand up straighter”  Um Hello?  I have like the best fucking posture around.  My grandmother was an absolute NAZI when it came to posture and manners.  There was no slouching, no rolled shoulders, and on god’s green earth, would not standing at full height be allowed.  

My mom even sent me to “finishing school” where I had to learn about place settings, how to stand with one knee slightly bent and to walk with a full stack of books on my head while in high heels. 

As Hubby is shuffling the tape measure silently, I can feel the glee crackling the air behind me.  The anticipation of him telling me how short I actually am is killing him and he just can’t wait to get it out. 

“Holy Fuck Willow, you are barely 5 ½ feet and I was being generous!  Shit girl, you are SHORT…..and I mean like SHHOOOOORRRRRRRTTTTT.   When we get old together I am going to have to get you a stool so that when you stand next to me we can hold hands.   You do know that your daughter, who is 9, is 4’-9”.  It’s going to be funny watching you discipline the tall girls, it’s a good thing that you are so mean, ankle biter!  You will be like the cute little furry yapper dog running behind them.”

Hardee Har Har Jackass.  Hardee Har Har.

Heard that one before

THIS SO SUCKS

My brothers do this ALL the time

As a grown woman, I can still SWING ma feet

So tonight, I will be celebrating my last night of kiddie freedom!  The girls have been swept away by Grandpa and Grammie (respectively). 

My youngest is currently luxuriating in the warmth of Grammie’s affection.  She has conned Grammie into getting her high heels (at 6…Grammie), has had ice cream every day, spent the majority of yesterday shopping, is going to Zumba class, and will go to art class later with Grammie.  

While the oldest is basking in Grandpa’s affection, has been spoiled with her own special spa day, is getting Starbucks everyday (that’s right….keep her short), is swimming in Grandpa’s covered pool while it’s snowing, and will be going on a big fishing trip.

I will end my wonderful vacation by taking my shortie self to Hubby’s first softball game. 

Hopefully, someone will not try to steal me as long as I hold onto his hand.

Me & Hubby......

Houston...we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone bad

Ok, so first, I’m sorry.  Yes, that is right……you heard me bitches….I said that I am SORRY.  Sorry for not blogging lately…..for not checking out your blogs, in general for being a lazy douche. 

After saying that….I’ve changed my mind…FUCK YOU!  I have been incredibly busy kow-tow’ing to the work masters that I just haven’t had time to post anything.  Also, I have been a little bit of a blogging funk lately, and find myself staring at the blinking curser.  (Blink, Blink, Blink – it is fucking taunting me)

Also, I have been tormented by my “fixed” Satelitte Radio, after spending a week listening to Nancy Grace, Jane Velez Mitchell and Dr. Drew, I firmly believe that come December 21, 2012 that either the Aliens or the Path of Destruction needs to wipe some peeps out.   Seriously, quit killing your kids and stop using Twitter to fucking out people and be complete douchebags.  That’s the problem with today’s social media, no one reasons shit out, they just post all their fucked up shit without taking a moment to activate your god damn filter.    (I know that mine is broke sometimes, but sheesh, can’t we all just get along)

Damn, I make cute babies

Ok – I’ve gotten off my stool.  It makes me feel taller…..don’t judge.

Soooo….on to other “news”……

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to my BFF My BFF (FFFFF) Jenn.  She came to visit me so that we could go out last weekend and we had a blast.  We started the day with champagne and mani/pedi’s.  My nails are so sparkly, I almost wrecked our car while I was gazing at them lovingly.  Jenn and I both would get distracted by the shiny lovliness and forget talking to each other while we stared at our shiny nails. 

We concluded our evening with a night at the bar.  Hubby was generous enough to drop Jenn, R, and myself off at the bar so that we could continue with the birthday festivities.  R and I tormented Jenn by not letting her hide behind us while boys were trying to butt hump her and also we stuck her dancing with lots of “random” parties.

 I would like to say that we had excellent photos of this journey, but alas, I left the photo taking to R…..epic FAIL.  It’s very difficult to take pictures with one eye open…..I think that I am going to change R’s name to “Mad Eye Moody”  as her picture taking consisted of our boobs, half of our faces, the ceiling, the floor and other random parts.  Damn, I love that girl.  

Where is Jenn's head??

And...its the boob and half face shot...R.....you KILL ME

R also had the “brilliant” idea that we should walk home, like a mile….after drinking….dancing…..eating…..and drinking…..and….it’s fucking cold…..and I have heels on…..and you fucking drunk wait up for me.  So after spending the first half mile trying to keep R on the side walk, we have to split up so that Jenn and I can head to my house and R to her house (up the hill….bwwaaaa) 

 That fucking bitch called her hubby and pussed out.  Meanwhile, Jenn and I stagger home at 2 a.m. desperately trying to avoid peoples sprinklers and stay out of sight of the po-po.   As soon as we crawled into the house, I was so glad to snuggle next to hubby and defrost.  I think Jenn might of slept with the dog, he just hasn’t been the same since she left….(kidding lady)

Then…..this happened………

So, I went to Homegoods the other day and bought this aroma fragrance stick thingy.  It smelled really good in the store and I thought it looked really pretty and would go great in my bathroom on one of the shelves. 

This is EXACTLY what it looked it!

Fast forward a couple of days……

.

Me:  (Sitting on the potty, playing scrabble on my Nook, new FAV thing to do…except for the vast imprint of toilet ring on my ass)

Hubby:  (Pacing in front of the bathroom door, looking worried)

Me:  Baby, do you need something?  I am just going pee, whats up?

Hubby:  Don’t be mad

Me:  Okayyyyyyyyy

Hubby:  I think that you need to go to the doctor…

Me:  Okay…and why do you think this?

Hubby:  I think, umm, I mean, I don’t know who to say this, please don’t be offended, I am just trying to look out after you.  I love you…you know.

Me:  OK….I am confused here?

Hubby:  I think….I think…that you have a female problem!

Me:  And that this??

Hubby:  Ok, I’m just going to say it…..you smell funky down there

Everyone's a Critic

Me:  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Hubby:  Well, and don’t be offended.  Every time you go the bathroom there is this really nasty smell and maybe you have some sort of infection that is making your pee/vag smell.  I'm just trying to be helpful here.

Me:  Like you were down there and it smelled…?

Hubby:  No, I only notice it after you pee.

Me:  (Wiping, Flushing, Standing Up)  (Grab the white flowers smelly thing)  Does it smell like this??  (Shoving it up in his face)

Hubby:  AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH, GET THAT FUNKY ASS VAG SMELL AWAY FROM ME

Me:  It’s the aroma thing, not my vag…..thanks

Hubby:  Why on god’s green earth would they make white flowers smell like tuna casserole vag baked in a whore’s yeast pocket.

Me:  I’ll just throw it away.

Hubby:  I am so glad it wasn’t you, sooo…hey….wanna do it now?

Me:  Are you sure you want to chance it with the stinky speedway?

Hubby:  You know I love you, and it was for your own good

Me:  Take your clothes off

Vagina.....table for two, and why yes my t-shirt does say pussy

“Would you like to see my two vaginas?”  Yep, you heard me.  It's a new party ice breaker according to Hazel Jones.................

And I'm not afraid to show you-show you

Jazzy Hazel Vaj-jay Jones says that she is “quite happy to show you” her dominant right vagina and the pencil thin left one.  That’s right peeps, she has two vaginas, two cervixes and two uteruses….uterus diddly-do-do or if you want the technical term, it’s “uterus didelphys” 

When I told hubby about this, he said, “Wow, exciting, a place for your dick and your hands”.  This could be great for girls (like me) who think that the pooper shoot is one way, going out.  I know some of you ladies and gent's like it - but my preference is no, thank you.  Hubby keeps saying that as I near 40 I might change my mind, but that is highly doubtful.  And yes, Jenn, why I say no to butt sex because hilarity does not ensue - I say yes to my USB port Lelo Gigi Pleasure object.  Yes, that is right.....pleasure object.  Check out the reviews at Freddy and Eddy

Freddy and Eddy

As for the double vaggies , I just wonder, if you cycle around yourself?  Or have double bread making (that’s what we call yeast infections) Think of the wind instruments you could play between the vag gas and the butt gas.  As a side note, my 6-year old ripped the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard, then turns to me and says….”Holy Guacamole, Mom, my bucksnort ricochet through my pee-pee”.  Klassy….we are klassy.

And now a new collection of my favorite t-shirts:

Pyro Ass

Or anything on my face, I will stab you

Don't make me cap your ass bitch

Douche-tastic

And stabbings

Head, Pants NOW

No

And wives don't swallow

I'm bringing sexy back

Just one time, I want to see the guy wearing this

Jenn - I bought this for you

For Easy, duh

This is whatz happenin on Saturday