The shizzle that is said

I just had to write a quick post to share with you all the funny shizzle that came out of my co-workers mouths today....

What do you need to have an intelligent conversation? - said by one co-worker on the phone to a vendor...fucking HIlarious!

If you can't pull your own head out, then I can't even begin to help you. - said by co-worker Sarah to one of her subcontractors.

If you call me baby one more time, I am going to reach through this phone and twist your balls so tight that you will rival Justin Bieber on even his most pubescent days.  - co worker that will remain anonymous since she was so pissed I think the comment was involuntary!

Back soon peeps...back soon!  I am still recovering from the weekend!

Loooooooosssseee Bowels

I have always mocked and enjoyed people and their poo stories.  Not the gross gory kind like in Tucker Max’s “Tucker Max tries butt sex hilarity does not ensue”,but the ones where you thought you were almost here kind of story, where you just can’t hit the finish line before sliding’ into home.

One of my favorite stories from my Step-Dad, involved him, his fire turn outs, and his SCBA (the oxygen tank/mask you see them wear).  See, when the fire bell rings, the stories are true…..you leave with what you are wearing.  Boxer shorts, man bikini junk, wipe/no wipe…It’s showtime!!

So my Step-Dad….he was helping the probie do dishes and didn’t make it in time for the post dinner throne visit, and what would you know, the fire bell rang.  So poor Papa, he’s the first man in, valiantly fighting a house fire, when what happened??  That rumbly in your tumbly…..that sphincter tightening feeling, that there she’s blows….and how do you fight that feeling when you are fighting a house fire??  

Why you pump the oxygen in your mask, run to the toilet, and relieve the pressure while smoke is billowing down above your head.  

You can just picture it now can’t you….that FPPPFFF….FPPPPPPFFF Darth Vadar sound, smoke starting to obscure your vision, while you hope to heavens you can pinch it off before all hell breaks loose.

Or someone else that won’t be named….(cough, cough) married to him, that after a date of eating really expensive seafood had to have a private moment with his undershirt and a secured construction site.

All the while, I chortle with glee over the fact that these stories are so AWESOME because they have never happened to me!!!  Until last night….

See, I have been working my ass off and not getting home until late.  But hubby, the great man that he is surprised me with my favorite Vietnamese food (extra spicy, of course) and not only did I enjoy it for dinner but it was extra spicy and fantastic for lunch.  And then, I drove home, and I shit you not, it was pouring rain with sudden chances of Tornados…in SAN FRANCISCO??  

And wouldn’t you guess, just wouldn’t you guess that I got those same kinds of feelings.  Feelings that made my eyes start to water, and my knuckles turn white, and for my pants to feel like they belonged to a small child.  Feelings that made me look around frantically for wipes, just in case.  Just in case, I rapidly pulled over on the last 30 minutes of my commute that just happens to be a dark windy road.  A dark turn out appeared….and I dove for it!  After my perfect imitation of the sights, sounds and cone depth of a volcano.  Everything seemed right in the world again. 

Until I looked up into the frightened eyes of a couple who were trying to do their good Samaritan deed and see if a stranded passenger needed some help.  I didn’t need help, but I was almost tempted to ask them to hand me a wipe.

So after they slowly backed away (I think that I am not only going to be featured  in my blog, but I am pretty sure that I might be featured in someone else’s)  I have concluded tonight, that you shouldn’t mock someone’s IBS….because now….I blow shit too!

Kewl Kids ala John Hughes

If John Hughes wasn’t already dead, I would like to punch him in the face and then hug him really tight for ruining my high school life and making the best sappy movies ever.  (Cameron Crowe also deserves a swift kick in the ass too!!)

Why can’t Jake Ryan pick me up after church when I was in High School??  Instead I either had to walk home or have my Dad pick me up while he was belting out Lay Lady Lay or Come Dancing; I don’t think that either Bob Dylan or the Kinks appreciated his massacring of these songs.

Why could I not have a best Friend named Ducky??  What the FUCK?  Why couldn’t I have someone that would be secretly in love with me, but at the same time could let me know that my ass looked fat in my hand sewn sack dress?  Oh, the humanity!  Instead I managed to hook up with every psychotic girl thinking that they would have my back.  Yeah, I’ll put that life lesson right up there with the boy that tried to tell me that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up. 

 I wasn’t ruh-tarded (French Version) enough to listen to that smooth move.

Why couldn’t of my detention included sitting with a random group of kids, getting high and making fast friends across the great “coolness” divide?  Instead, my detention for skipping an entire semester of sewing class (Side Note:  yeah, who the hell wouldn’t skip that in high school??  

However, I deeply regret it now as I massacre my husband’s pant hem while he mocks me) 

Anyhoo, my detention for skipping sewing with my peppermint schnapps swizzling teacher was washing cars.  Specifically, the football coach and tennis coaches cars, wearing shorts and a tank top, while they sat in lawn chairs watching us.  (Looking back, umm…yeah, I think that was wrong)

And what the hell!!!  Why didn’t the guys in my high school’s auto shop class look like Eric Stoltz?  For the love of everything cinemanity!!  The guys in auto shop in my high school could watch you coming down the corridor with one eye, while keeping the other eye perfectly trained on the opposite corridor.  I never knew that 14 year old boys could grow mountain men beards or that 6 fingers were considered a sign of luck.  (Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya).

And for the love of sweet baby jesus, why could I not have a day like Ferris’s?  Seriously, I would make that shit epic!  I probably wouldn’t be alive today, but still, I wanted to go to a high school like that.  Damn, was Charlie HAWT in that movie??  Cocaine and hookers….they put the cray cray in everyone.

And you Cameron Crowe, you I find to be especially fiendish.  What girl did not want someone to stand below their window, busting out the most romantic song ever just to tell you that they love you?  Peter Gabriel, I seriously H-E-A-R-T you.  Me, I get the boy that wanted to clarify that if I was dumping him, was it okay for him to hit it with my mom.  WHATTHEFUCK?? 

  

And John Cusack, don’t think that I will let you off lightly either…..First, the fact that you showed me that my mom’s Jell-O salad could move has ruined decades of Thanksgivings for me.   

Second, why the hell couldn’t my high school reunion included a contract killer?  Instead, aging cheer leaders and glory dying sports jocks peppered that visit.  

Third, I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS! (With interest you bastard, that means you owe me six gazbillion dollars)

Note to my kids….you WILL watch these movies and know every line instead of the crappy drivel that Disney and Nick tries to poison you with!

Jewess Jeans.....you don't have to be Jewish, but it wouldn't hurt!

  Man, this post was a bust earlier!  So sorry to those that viewed and nothing was here, it was supposed to be my tribute to Gilda!!  So here we go, part deux!




Jewess Jeans....they are made to RIDE UP!!

C.......Cows are Aliens....DAMNIT!

Cows…..are aliens.  And yes, I CAN hear you laughing.  

But I don’t care, it’s true, they are fucking aliens.  And I am sorry if you are offended by my swear words (but then you shouldn’t read my blog, because I fucking swear A LOT)  

Well, not at home, because come on people I have children and there is nothing less than flattering when your child screams out God Damn after they accidently drop something or when they use those swear words in the most interesting and appropriate fashion. 

But really, I CAN hear you laughing.  In my family, we have always joked that Mommy thinks that cows are aliens.  I blame the way the cows look and Gary Larson.  

If Gary hadn’t of freaked me out so badly with his Farside Cartoons about how cows stand up after you drive by, I might give them a chance.  

Maybe…..maybe…

aww, who am I kidding, HELL NO.  They are ALIENS.  And yes, I enjoy eating the heck out of them, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are spooky to look at with the big googly eyes and the weird eat me looks that they give you. 

And yes, I find it tremendously funny that every time we drive around our town (which is a big farming community) that my girls scream out the window when they see a cow….

ALLLLLLIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNSSSSS

Did you know that there are several sites on the internet dedicated to cows and aliens.  You thought that they were cutting them up to collect information on us.  HELL NO BITCHES…..

The Aliens have turned cows into their own and now use them to watch us.  Have you ever been up close to big cow eyes, it fricking creepy.  It’s like their eyes are empty and glassy…..also seriously what ever made cows must have been incredibly high using their vap-vap and super stregnth ganga weed and thought, “Wouldn’t it be so funny man….h-a h-a h-a to put, like, eyes on each side of their face!”  And their co-creater, was like….”Yeah, that shit would be da bomb, it will really creep out those humans.”

So there you go.  Cows are aliens. End of story.  Robert Mitchum  said it best, “Beef……its Aliens for Dinner”………….

Now, who wants a hambuger?   Anyone…………………………………………………………Anyone?

And Oreo's are Aliens too....LOOK AT THIS COW NEAR MY HOUSE