If
John Hughes wasn’t already dead, I would like to punch him in the face and then
hug him really tight for ruining my high school life and making the best sappy
movies ever. (Cameron Crowe also
deserves a swift kick in the ass too!!)
Why
can’t Jake Ryan pick me up after church when I was in High School?? Instead I either had to walk home or have my
Dad pick me up while he was belting out Lay Lady Lay or Come Dancing; I don’t
think that either Bob Dylan or the Kinks appreciated his massacring of these
songs.
Why
could I not have a best Friend named Ducky??
What the FUCK? Why couldn’t I
have someone that would be secretly in love with me, but at the same time could
let me know that my ass looked fat in my hand sewn sack dress? Oh, the humanity! Instead I managed to hook up with every psychotic
girl thinking that they would have my back.
Yeah, I’ll put that life lesson right up there with the boy that tried
to tell me that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up.
I wasn’t ruh-tarded (French Version) enough
to listen to that smooth move.
Why
couldn’t of my detention included sitting with a random group of kids, getting
high and making fast friends across the great “coolness” divide? Instead, my detention for skipping an entire
semester of sewing class (Side Note: yeah,
who the hell wouldn’t skip that in high school??
However, I deeply regret it now as I massacre
my husband’s pant hem while he mocks me)
Anyhoo,
my detention for skipping sewing with my peppermint schnapps swizzling teacher
was washing cars. Specifically, the
football coach and tennis coaches cars, wearing shorts and a tank top, while
they sat in lawn chairs watching us.
(Looking back, umm…yeah, I think that was wrong)
And
what the hell!!! Why didn’t the guys in
my high school’s auto shop class look like Eric Stoltz? For the love of everything cinemanity!! The guys in auto shop in my high school could
watch you coming down the corridor with one eye, while keeping the other eye
perfectly trained on the opposite corridor.
I never knew that 14 year old boys could grow mountain men beards or
that 6 fingers were considered a sign of luck.
(Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya).
And
for the love of sweet baby jesus, why could I not have a day like Ferris’s? Seriously, I would make that shit epic! I probably wouldn’t be alive today, but
still, I wanted to go to a high school like that. Damn, was Charlie HAWT in that movie?? Cocaine and hookers….they put the cray cray
in everyone.
And
you Cameron Crowe, you I find to be especially fiendish. What girl did not want someone to stand below
their window, busting out the most romantic song ever just to tell you that
they love you? Peter Gabriel, I
seriously H-E-A-R-T you. Me, I get the
boy that wanted to clarify that if I was dumping him, was it okay for him to
hit it with my mom. WHATTHEFUCK??
And
John Cusack, don’t think that I will let you off lightly either…..First, the
fact that you showed me that my mom’s Jell-O salad could move has ruined
decades of Thanksgivings for me.
Second, why the hell couldn’t my high school
reunion included a contract killer?
Instead, aging cheer leaders and glory dying sports jocks peppered that
visit.
Note
to my kids….you WILL watch these movies and know every line instead of the
crappy drivel that Disney and Nick tries to poison you with!
Ferris Bueller. Seriously best movie ever. Who doesn't want a pull a Bueller even as an adult?!
ReplyDeleteAnd when I have kids, I will block Disney and Nickelodeon simply because the people on those kiddie shows who THINK they can sing gave me migraines when babysat kids that watched that crap. Or had to have on in the background. There was not enough advil/excedrine/aleve.
J - As a parent of a 7 and 9 year old girls....let me tell you, that there isn't enough booze and/or prescription drugs and/or illegal drugs that make these shows ok. Because they suck and their music sucks, hard.
DeleteOh Sexy Girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteI AM A KEWL KID!!!
This post has made me so happy I'm peeing my pants a little bit (it could also just be excitement over my boyfriend John Cusak), but whatever.
Shut the fuck up lady, he is TOTALLY mine!
DeleteI am glad that I made you happy, it makes me happy! Ladies night...soon? You, me and P for lunch??
It's a date.
DeleteWould it be ina of me to rub one out while watching my sexxy boyfriend on our Ladies night?
No, just don't make me watch!
DeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
DeleteEVERY one should watch those movies. I think I'll sit down with 16 Candles tonight and imagine myself with Jake Ryan.
ReplyDeleteHow Dreamy.
Patty - Seriously, Jake Ryan is dreamy.
DeleteYou had me at the picture of "the Donger!"
ReplyDeleteLDD...who can forget that guy!!
DeleteI already have my daughter watching those with me.
ReplyDelete"No, he's not retarded."
Love that line!
Loved every one of those movies. They were a rite of passage for 80's teens. I can remember being on a date with a girl and she mentioned that she had never seen FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.
ReplyDeleteWHAT?!?!
I couldn't look at her the same after that.
The Breakfast Club really screwed with me. I dated anyone that even slightly resembled John Bender. He is still so beautiful to me.
ReplyDelete