Wednesday, February 8, 2012

“Penis is the dipstick of the bodies’ health” according to Dr. Hairy Fish...I mean Harry Fisch

Apparently, I am guilty of false promises.   This is the topic that my husband suggested that I blog about since it is directly effecting him.  Most of the time, when funny shit goes down or if we are in the middle of bickering because he can’t read my mind and do EXACTLY what I want him to do, he states…..”What??  Are you going to blog about this now….oohhh…I am so scared”  And that is why we are here now, because I am apparently guilty of false promises.

1false  1prom·ise

“Providing an intentionally untrue binding declaration that gives the person to whom it is made a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of a specified act “ 
In reality, I failed to live up to the nookie promise.  I essentially gave my husband “lackanookie  Which, according to the Urban Dictionary is a serious and sometimes fatal disease that is caused by the lack of use of the male organ.  It has serious side effects and can result in permanent hairy palms and wheezing.

I would like to believe that I am not the cause of my hubbies rapid follicle growth and asthma, however, it appears that my failure to provide said promises is something of a habit, case in point: (Rough Transcript)

Me:  I think you are the hottest piece of ass around and I want to do (censorship here)

Hubby:  Well, first, I appreciate what you are saying but we both know that’s not true.  I love you and good luck at your work presentation today.

Me:  That was kind of mean text back from you

Hubby:  Go back to work so I can get my wife back eventually, I love you.

Me:  I love you too, mean boy making me cry (sob)  (PS – you all know I am faking here trying to get sympathy and to distract him from the real reason why he is upset)

Hubby:  What are you talking about??

Hubby:  I would like to say that you would be frustrated too if you have been talkin all day about nookie, got home took a shower, put on cologne, and then climbed in bed and was told to go to sleep.  Yes, slightly frustrating!!

Me:  Really, you did that for me?

Me:  Sigh (guilty)

Hubby:  Yes, oh and I forgot to include buying pop rocks too!

Hubby:  Did I say I bought pop rocks too! 

(Note to Jen:  Pop rocks are just sticky and glazey, there I have ewwwed everyone out for the day)

I am also extremely guilty of the failure to deliver drunk nookie, I develop a serious condition called, “Intoxio-narcolopsey”.  Meaning that I get hubby all ready and willing, disappear and end up naked in bed, snoring like a two bit drunken whore with a massive case of bed head and a trail of slobber that would rival most 2 year olds.

So I decided to do some research and pulled a couple of Kinsey reports to see where my age group landed on the whole “lackanookie” debacle. 
Holy crap, there are a whole lot of interesting statistics here!
 Did you know that 5.1% of women my age have sex 4 or more times per week?  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO ALL DAY….(well that was a dumb question)  Are you a hooker of the soccer mom variety?  Oh shit, I think that I met a couple of you guys at the bar last weekend!  That explains all of the motorboating on the dance floor! 
Did you see that 0% of women my age who are single are doin it 4 times a week, but 5.5% of single men in the same age range are hittin the vaj-jay-jay Tuesday through Friday!!  Holeee Molee, maybe these boys were confusing the “Live Dolls” and “Mi-Mi’s”  with the real thing?  Cause you know when you lube up the Mi-Mi – she loves you long time.  Well, at least 60 seconds …or so…..
And for all you ladies who like to feast on the same-same parts, did you know that there was a term coined, “Lesbian bed death”  HOLY FUCK, neither did I!!  Who knew??  Apparently, a sociologist named Pepper Schwartz (cause Salty Schwartz would just be too silly) wrote a book where she stated that lesbian couples in committed relationship have less sex than any other type of couple and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts. 
Later ‘ole Salty Schwartz was forced to eat her words (ha ha) , but wow!  I guess that “lackanookie” crosses the great junk divide.

And for those of you how are addicted to Dr. Oz (cause sometimes, his shit just sucks me in, like the one show that had REALLY, REALLY, REALLY large women who made money on the Internet cause they had “fetish” websites where men watched them eat and gain weight)  I SHIT YOU NOT….I WAS FACINATED…….it almost made me want a second job where my back fat can make me MONEY…(Holla)
Anyway, Dr. Oz’s friend Dr. Harry Fisch (seriously, with names like these you have to be sex doctors….harry fish….dr. harry fishpie….ok stop)
The good doctor said in his book SIZE MATTERS (and yes, you guys, size does matter.  If I can’t feel you moving….it’s no fun for me)  that married couples roughly have sex one to two times a week.  His point wasn’t how often you have sex but whether you and your partner are H-A-P-P-Y with the sex you are having.

So Hubby, here is where I stand on the hole “lackanookie” dilemma, I promise to try to help you get over your hairy asthma as much as I can, but you should know regardless of the quantity – you do rock my world.
  According to Men’s Health – here are some signs of when your wife is not happy with the sex (which Hubby - we are fine):
The credit card bill is higher - (Nothin says good lovin like a good pair of shoes!!  Or seven or eight...or fuck it, they call me Amelda for a reason)
She's gained weight - (Seriously, you fucks at Men's Health can suck it)
She's working or drinking more - (Maybe because you think I'm fat you FUCKTARD)
She lets snide comments slip out in conversations with friends - (CAUSE YOU CALLED ME FAT YOU GOD DAMN MICRO PENIS)
You catch her mastrubating - (Table for one please)

She's turned into a VIXEN - (It's always my fault)
She's turned into a cold fish - (I'm too hot and I'm too cold, and you complain about me not making up my mind)

She's looking hotter lately - (Are you fucking serious???  DIAF)

She's more critical of you - (You think??)

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