Monday, February 6, 2012

If you are going to do the jackrabbit, take a hint safety first

So the other night, I got a booty call from my girlfriend……transcript of the text messages/phone calls

R:  Heffer go with me to grayzies

Me:  What??? ….u tanked already, I need to ask hubby

Me:  Who is going?

R:  (crickets chirping)  This should be a good indication on my part that she is totally shit tanked and tonight is gonna be interesting

Me:  HELLOOO….(insert ode to Charity here, because I cannot say the word Hello properly, every time I say “Hello”,  I now sing it like Lionel Richie)……is it me your looking for….(NOOOOOOOOO….STOOOPPPP)

R:  Come out biotch

Me:  U gonna pick my ass up

R:  I’ll let u know

Me:  Know what?? (FYI – texting with drunk people when you are sober is just fucking frustrating)

Me:  I expect you in 20

R:   No, Ill let u know

Me:  Know what you fuckin hooka

R:  I will let I. know when sex party is done.  Is (Hubs) home

Me:  (Inside ma head – Ahh fuck, this is gonna get good)  Yep, Hubs is home

Silence until like 20 minutes later when massive horn honking was done outside my house with crazy catcalling.  Most of my neighbors are unsure if my name is Jana or Hooker….as hooker is used frequently to call me out of the house.  I operate on a wave and walk policy with my neighbors….I wave, smile and walk fast to the door.

So we get to the bar where most of the clientele is either 22 year old boys, 40+ women, or middle age men who spend too long at the gym trying to make up for their small penises.  There are also a range of other girls who I am not sure if they are Kardashian looking tranny’s or someone baked them too long in the oven, realized their mistake and then tried to use tan colored frosting to fix the fuck ups.

As we proceed to shakin our booties on the dance floor, I realize a couple of things:

#1 – At what point did I indicate that you can hump my ass?  You are not my hubby and I did not give you the invitation by bending over.   I simply was dancing with the girls on the dance floor and yet you took this as an indication that you could totally use your stealthily (not) GI Joe maneuvers to try and hump my butt crack. 

#2 – As you use these “moves” and honey, Rico Suave you aren’t, who the FUCK said it was ok to grab my hips and push down my back?  I don’t know where the fuck you came from but I am gonna turn around and kick your dick so hard the ENT doctor will declare you his new scientific discovery because you have two muthafuckin uvulas.

#3 – I realize that you want to thro’ down and have a dance off, but your version of the cabbage patch and the dougie all Sir-Mixed-A lot together does not deserve a ring of observers to give you more room.  However, you throwing both your full beers down on the dance floors prior to said “dance off” does mean that I could probably film “C Me Dance” here and win an Oscar.  Plus all the drunken hookers that you made fall due to the beer spillage was pure entertainment to me.  (BWAAAAA….I am still laughing)

The other images were too distrubing, but this is kinda what it looked like

#4 – Girl,  your fucking wing women suck ass.  I believe in good girlfriends and as such, they should protect you from the ass humping Cee Lo green look a likes.  (Come on peeps, I love Cee Lo, but you have to admit he looks like a cool midget version of a T-Rex with a very large head) 
Your bitches should not leave your ass on the dance floor with the midget motor-boating your titties and the ginormous Lurch looking guy completing the freaky hump sandwich.  Unless that is what you wished for prior to going out….ahh….magic mirror….I need to be the floozie meat with big bread on the bottom and a little bun rubbing the sauce in on da top!  Then girlfriend, you can now check that one off your bucket list.

#5 – Doing the jackrabbit on your boyfriend in the bar makes me laugh and take your picture.  But watching you fall off was the best part of my night…….so to the crazy slut in the middle of the bar who gave her man the most awkward jackrabbit bouncing lap dance and then fell on the floor – I salute you… made my fucking night!  Too bad the picture only captured half of you ‘cause I was laughing so hard.

#6 – Note to self, next time, I’m going to make sure that I am hammered before I leave the house.

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