Friday, March 2, 2012


Girls just wanna have……..boobies?

I have big boobs.  I have always had big boobs, and there are times in my life where they have been the bane of my existence and there are other times when they have been the most helpful things in my life.  Now, I am not talking about their shelf status, or the ability to use them to help put my lipstick on while I am holding drinks in my hands, rather I am talking about their ability to distract people so that they do what I want.

In all started in the summer between 5th and 6th grade.  You see that is when I got my period, and then in one summer it was like god stepped on the bike pump a little too long and overnight a C-cup appeared on my chest.  (Now they are more like D’s but I blame that on gravity, good food and wine).
I think that I was the first girl at my private school to even wear a “real” bra.  All of the other girls were wearing these sporty, razor back things and I had to go for the maidenform underwire industrial bra that helped keep my baby puppies strapped tight to my chest.

My first true experience with these suckers was when I was 15.  My grandparents took me to the Marines Memorial Hotel in San Francisco to go to dinner and see some musical.  My grandmother took me to Nordstrom’s and bought me this cute little skirt and this short jacket.  The jacket was this beautiful peach linen jacket that was cropped in a military fashion with a snazzy cross button in front.  HOLEEE Shit, I thought I was da bomb in this jacket.  And of course, my new boobies were encased in a tight white top under the jacket.
So after dinner and the show, my grandparents want to go and have a night cap in the bar of the hotel.  And who am I to say no…PPPFFFTTT…15 with new boobies and hormones raging….HELL YA. 

The place is packed, apparently a new Air Force Lieutenant group had just graduated and they were taking over the bar.  The only place left to sit was at the bar.  AT the BAR….Yeah.  So as we sit at the bar, my grandmother says, “Jana, take of your jacket sweetie”  Not thinking anything of it, I arch back and take off my jacket.  The entire row of guys at the bar stop and look at me as I am arching back, and one young brave Lieutenant says, “OH MY GOD”.  I think that I folded back into myself at this moment, I was so embarrassed.  The young man then looks at my grandfather and says, “Sir, I…I…can I buy your family a drink, sir”  My grandfather says, “Son, that is my granddaughter and the only thing that you will be looking at are my eyes at this bar.”  Of course, my grandparents thought this was hysterical after we left the bar.  As we get into the elevator, they totally made it more awkward with my Grandmother saying, “Well, little bean, it’s obviously that while you have your mother’s beauty, you were blessed with my rack.”  This does explain while my mother banned me from “borrowing” her bras, she always complained that I stretched them out.

Fast forward to my college graduation trip to Europe.    Who doesn’t want an all expense paid trip to Europe, where your Grandparents rent a house in Southern France and then take you on little “mini” trips to Paris, Monte Carlo, Italy and England.   Their idea of “roughing it” consisted of hotel rooms at the Hilton. 
So, of course, I did what any single, new college graduate would do……I spent 95.5% of my time on the beach at St. Maxime…..topless.

Did you know that you can burn your nipples?  Did you??  Did you??  Well, I did not.  Of course, my grandfather asks that I wait until he falls asleep before taking my top off, which isn’t too long because any time he sat down he fell asleep within 5 minutes.  So my grandmother would warn me…..”Little bean….he’s asleep….you can take your top off.”  Now, I know that many of you might be surprised by my grandparents but let’s just say….(1) they still made out in front of me (gack, ick, gross, but now that I am married….I can’t wait to do that in front of my grandkids) (2) When my grandparents lived in Hawaii, my grandmother faked a heart attack on the beach so that this cute lifeguard who kept walking by and checking me out, would finally come over.  I eventually got over the mortification and shagged him on the beach later that week. 

Apparently the sight of fresh college boobies naked does strange things to men of all ages.  One very, very, very wrinkly old man who only had his privates encased in a g-string nut sack cover wanted to buy me a drink.  Then a very burned white German man tried to talk to me….it was very hard to understand him over wincing at his burn.  A creepy old Saudi man tried to buy me from my grandparents.  And a very cute Scottish boy charmed his way over and managed to snag my “attention” .  Later when I was back in the States, he mailed me a picture he had taken of my boobies.  On the back of the photo…..he wrote “The Rockies”.  

I still have the photo….after I had my girls, I pull it out occasionally to confirm that my rack was once nice and high and that yes, I indeed had pretty little pink nipples.

And we arrive at the here and now………
The other day, my youngest daughter wanted to get in the shower with me, which is fine because it saves me time.  As we are in the shower, she pauses and we start this conversation:
Ankle Biter #2:  Mommy, sit down
Me:  Why
AB #2:  I want to talk to you
Me:  (Sigh) ok
AB#2:  Criss-cross apple sauce, Mommy (long suffering sigh)
Me:  Fine
AB#2:  I have two questions for you, (1) How did your boobs get sooooooooooooooooo big and (2) when am I going to get mine?
Me:  (Stunned that she actually broke it down and help up fingers to annotate between the #1 question and the #2 question)  Well, they grew that way on me and you will get yours in high school.

AB#2:  Well, Mommie, that is fine, but will mine be as low as yours? (In the meantime, she is trying to lift them up and I am smacking her hands off my boobs)
Me:  Get out of the shower.

But the other day, a sweet young 17 year old boy made me feel so much better.  At the checkout, he was helping me put a coupon into the “self-service” checkout machine.  The next thing I know, he is giving me like $30 worth of coupons and I was stunned.  I turned to him (and of course, who isn’t taller than me) to say thanks.
 I looked to make eye contact with him and say, “Hey, thanks, that was awesome!!.”  He looks down my top and says, “Yeah, no problem”

I will never, ever, ever, ever….take off this bra.

1 comment:

  1. There is so much awesome in this post! Your grandparents (I want to be like them), your daughter's statement, the check out boy. I laughed so hard.

    My oldest daughter just had a breast reduction, She went from a J to a C/D. She has so much more confidence now. It is amazing how they can affect your life.