I DON'T KNOW...OK!!!!

IDK…I don’t know.

Usually, I hate this phrase.   Growing up, we weren’t allowed to say this phrase in our house, at least, around my Dad we weren’t.  I don’t know wasn’t acceptable.  It was acceptable to say that you are unsure of the answer, but you would find out and get back to him. 

It’s kind of how I am in my work life; I never tell someone that I don’t know.  It makes me feel weak and unsure, instead, I skirt around the subject.  I say that I haven’t seen anything like that before, or I am un sure of how that operates, but I will get back to them and let them know the answer.  Then like a mad muthafucker, I run around until I find someone who is WAY smarter than me that can help me figure out the answer.  (Typically, that’s not hard)

Having children….aww…fuck….I don’t know.

See, I recently came to the realization that scared the bejesus out of me.  I just realized that I am my parents and my MOM is now the Grandma.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??  DO YOU….DO YOU…..

It means that our world is D-O-O-M-E-D and the Apocalypse is definitely coming.

If my children have to rely on me and my generation to have all the answers to their questions, we are up the douchecanoe without a paddle. I harken back (you know to yesteryears, when we wrote on stone tablets and hunted for our food, I swear to God, this is what my daughter thinks it was like when I was growing up)

Digressing…Anyway, I harken way back, to when my parents were throwing parties or the gatherings that we had with families, and all of my questions could be answered.  

And holee guacamole, I threw out some doozies….

”What is the formula for photosynthesis??”  I would ask, some adult would answer 6CO2 + 6H2O - Energy in Sunlight - C6H12 + CO2

 “What types of clouds are there??”  My grandfather would answer, “Well, now when I was flying, I have seen cumulus, stratus and cirrus clouds, and the Northern Lights too…Did I ever tell you……”  SIX HOURS LATER

Or who the hell is in pictures?  Can you remember Great Aunt Minnie’s second cousins’ daughter’s husband who left her for Cousin Willie’s third wife?  And who the hell is holding me again while I am naked?  Jesus, did you need to let me run naked with the dogs?

Or would you ever know that Chicken Kiev and Chicken Fricassee were depression era dishes?   

Or that you should always check books and ceramics for cash?  Because that is where my grandparents hid spare money that they didn’t put in the bank. 

So here I stand…..and my children look up at me expectantly, with stars in their eyes, and breath held, waiting for me to dispense the all-consuming knowledge.

I DON’T KNOW……I DON’T KNOW DAMNIT….MOMMY JUST DOESN’T KNOW…OH…OH..QUICK…LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT…..(I run away)

I don’t know why Barbie wasn’t made with three holes?  Maybe they just didn’t want her to leak?

I don’t know why they don’t make beds for jumping anymore!

I don’t know why that man is yelling in the street at his quarter?  Maybe it jumped out of his pocket?

Yes, black people were at one time slaves, and No I don’t really know why this happened (at least I don’t want to get into a full discussion of why it happened) And NO, you CAN NOT ask your little friend at school if any of her relatives were slaves. Yes, I know… Yes, I know…but you just can’t.

Yes, I know that girls have vagina’s and boys have penis’s, and yes, they do come in all shapes and sizes, and no, let’s just, let’s just talk about this in a minute, let Mommy put down her work bag.  No, I cannot show you pictures on the internet.  (HUBBY…Dear Sweet BABY Jesus…HUBBBBYYY…..Get me the BIG GLASS)

No, I will not “Google” every question that you ask me.  And no, you cannot have my phone to Google yourself.

What happens when you die…?  Can you not ask me this question at 5:30 a.m. when Mommy hasn’t had her cup of coffee yet?

Are Ghosts, Mermaids and Vampires real?  Well, I have never met one, so I really can’t say if they are real or not.  Yes, I am sure that you are right and you totally saw that mermaid in Hawaii. 

Sob…gasp…sob….why can’t I be as cool as smooth as my parents and grandparents?  

My kids are doomed.