UnFRICKING Unimaginable

Do you ever imagine the unimaginable? 

It sounds like a really confusing Confucius statement that you would get from a fortune cookie, right??

But lately, I have been having the most unimaginable dreams and I have no idea why.  I don’t eat chocolate late, I actually stopped buying sweets so that I don’t tempt myself.  It really sucks because when I do have the craving, I have to shuffle around in the pantry and the fridge, before I just eat an apple for something healthy.  Note to self:  You suck at the grocery store!!

Back to my dreams – Crazytown doesn’t do them justice:

I swear we used protection!!

I had a dream that all my toes were penises.  Yes, you heard me right, all of my toes were little baby dicks and I could do nothing but wiggle them and watch them grow.  In my dream I was horrified and slightly fascinated and my husband kept demanding to see them and then he would fall over laughing.

I dreamt that my husband was a vampire and I was his slave, someone was asking me how I could keep him from mauling me, to which I replied, “duh, I give him sex every day…EVERYDAY” I think I was exhausted when I woke up.

I will go Fried Green Tomatoes on your  ASS

This one was crazy and made me get up and check every door, every lock, and every window and kiss my babies twice. I was dreaming that we were in Target and I couldn’t find my #1 girl – looked everywhere for her.  Since every god damn store that we visit those kids have to use the bathroom, I checked the restroom.  I found some strange man holding my daughter and trying to keep her quiet by covering her face and mouth with his hands.  I felt that feeling sweep over me, you know the one, the incendiary angry feeling where you feel that flush crawl up your neck and you feel that your head might explode.  I can only describe the feeling as one where I was an impartial observer watching myself catapult across the bathroom to tear my child from this man.  In my dream, I tucked her in a corner, and proceeded to turn to this man.  I could totally see myself cocking my head at him in that serial killer fashion and backed him into the corner between the sink and the door.  The next part is either based on some crazy book that I read or is an insight into my psyche if you ever fuck with my kids.  But in my dream, I proceeded to rip great big chunks of flesh off this man, screaming like a banshee and eating bits and pieces of his flesh.  The really gross part, is that I can still remember the feeling of the rending of his flesh, the feeling of digging my nails into the skin and ripping.  It was very surreal and very disturbing.  I think that I would rather have penis toes then have to dream this again.

They have my ears...

Also, I gave birth to husky puppies and my husband was very angry accusing me of cheating on him.

FEED ME MAMA...FEED ME

Apparently, Stewie from the Family Guy lived under my bed and I had to feed him constantly.  But Stewie didn’t live on normal food, no no no, Stewie lived on toe jam.  You know how tired you get when you have a newborn, where you put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge or you walk outside and totally forget that you don’t have pants on because you can barely function from the lack of sleep.  Well, apparently feeding Stewie toe jam was making me exhausted and I was so tired that all I could do was just hang my foot over the side of the bed to feed him.  He would lick my foot all night long….until I woke up and something was licking my foot.  After I booted the dog in the head and banged my own head on the wall scrambling to get away from her, I came back to reality.

I think I might need dream therapy……….maybe Prozac….naw….I’ll just drink more before bed time!!

What crazy un*fricking believable dreams have you had?  Don’t make me live on the island alone.  

PLLLLEEEAAAEEEEEE.