Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Goodbye pink nipples

New Year’s Resolutions…….what a crock of crap.

And here is the science behind the mirror….. Around 40-45% of all Americans make one or more resolutions each year.  Roughly around 75% of them are kept the first week of the New Year, after two weeks the number drops to 71%, one month 64%, after six months only 46% of you jackasses are keeping your resolution.

What does that say about us?   And before you answer with the typical lazy, lack of motivation, too difficult in our busy lives, good god why me…….blah, blah, blah, blah…bullshit responses, maybe the way to look at it is that we are making the WRONG type of resolutions. 

Maybe, every year we should resolve to start saying “goodbye”

Goodbye whack-a-doodle personality that causes me to feel unlovable sometimes

Goodbye constant feeling of having to live up to “some” type of stereotypical image

Goodbye filter, you know you really didn’t do your job anyway so why the fuck did I keep you around?

Goodbye listening to other parents when they “try” to give me parenting advice

Goodbye wine and beer – Hello Kirkland brand vodka (which is really good and ½ the price of Gray Goose) and Scotch (when my Gram died, she left me a whole case of really expensive scotch, I should do her the honors and use it really well this year)

Goodbye young boobies, how I will miss your perky bobbing, your lovely small nipples and high aspect ratio.  I will learn to embrace kindergarten eraser nipples that now are brown in color (ok, stop here…I didn’t tan them (well maybe) but it’s not as if I was totally GTL and I got tanned nipples…why did they go from the perky pink to brown??)  I will be thankful that their still semi firmness will help to alleviate the change in aspect ratio.

So this year, instead of trying to make some commitment to the gym, healthier living, or losing weight, I am going to give myself the gift of lost baggage. 

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