Monday, January 16, 2012


It’s Monday BIOTCHES….and for some a day off. 

So, today is a day off for most people, but not me.  Nope, I am stuck at work while the rest of my family is out there playing.  Well, let me tell you my version of what they are doing…

Hubby…left his ass early this a.m. chillaxin’ in his recliner watchin the news. 

AB#1…..sleeping in her beddie like the little angel she is (insert said photo)
Aww, cutest thing ever

AB#2……that lilttle minx, she is of course spread out like some tropical starfish in the middle of my huge king size bed.  (She does look cute)
She can fall asleep on anything!

Then…..around 9 a.m. or when hubby gets tired of their lazy asses, he will wake them up.

(and then here comes the debate)……We have 2 girls, who for the majority of their lives have gotten a shower and/or bath every night.  Now that they are a litte older and want to be more independent, we can only “monitor” the cleaning process. 

For AB#1 that usually invoves making sure that she either showers in the a.m. or the p.m. (or both).  AB#1 nickname is Dirty Hairy….you see AB#1 will take a half day shower, relegating us to shivering in the shower and only doing the bare minimum while she exits all pink skinned and steaming.  But wait, what is this……is her hair washed….ummm…no, no, no, she forgot??  Shit girl, how the hell do you “forget” to wash your hair when you have been in the shower for hours??  Hence the name “Dirty Hairy”.

AB#2…her name is PIB (Poo in da Butt), this is due to her unfailing ability to NEVER, EVER, NEVER wipe her parts.  And I do mean NEVER.  What??? There is a floater in the toilet with no paper…it’s PIB.  What????  There are chonies on the floor that cause you to scream, jump and then say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???”  It’s PIB.  What??  Hey, AB#2 can you grab that for me (she bends over) …umm…what’s that smell...??  It’s PIB. 

It’s a sad state of affairs, when AB#2 says, “Umm, Mom, yeah, umm, I got some PIB, but I SWEAR I washed my hands…”  Really, really AB#2 you washed your hands??  “Umm, I’ll be right back Mom.”

After everyone is presentable, they will head out to our favorite breakfast joint.  It's nice to live in a semi-small town in California where you can sit and have breakfast and chit chat with your locals. 

After breakfast they will do their La-De-Das, "la-de-das" are what we call errands.  'Cause what kid wants to hear you say, "Get in the god damn car, buckle up, stop fighting, and no more talking while we do Mommy's errands!!!"  La De Das, sound like fun (psyche)

While they are out.....they send me pictures like this.....
Bitch, I be waitin for my Starbucks

Mom, I promise, I PROOMMIISSS I will feed this one
HAWT!  But Daddy said to play inside
Daddy just sighed and gave up on what to wear to the Grocery store
Umm, Mommy the puppy pooped under your table and Daddy is gagging
Mommmmyyyy....sissy wrote me a note and put in on my door (shrill screaming...YES YOU DID)
At least someone gets to have fun ridin da train

"Cough, Cough".....I think I have a might be time to go home and join in on the good times.


  1. Um. I thought I was the only mom who had a kid with the PIB syndrome. "Why are you 6 years old and still have fucking racing stripes in your underwear, bro?" Then it became, "Why are you 10 and still have racing stripes in your underwear, bro?" Then it became, "Why are you 13 and still lacking the ability to wipe your ass at all?" Until, finally it became, "WASH YOUR OWN MOTHER FUCKING CLOTHES!"


    1. Awww fuck Charity, don't tell me that. She is only 6 (almost 7) and I was seriously hoping their might be some light at the end of this dark tunnel.

      I stopped washing them and now just toss when they get too bad. Don't tell me any older girl horror stories (yours looks beautiful) I don't wanna know when the train is going to hit me!

  2. My DAUGHTER wasn't that way, it's my son.

    My daughter is completely and totally OCD. She's a neat freak and an honor roll student. She's rocking a 3.9 in her first semester of University of Texas. And she's witty. She still lives at home and her idea of a 'rocking good time' is watching Dr. Who while eating chips on the couch with her friends. Yeah. I have no fucking idea how I got so goddamn lucky.

    1. Damn (sigh) I am just watching my girlie roller coaster ramp up and hoping that the ride doesn't scare the shit out of me!

  3. Jana,
    Thanks for droppin by my blog. I followed your profile and was about quit because there were so many kid pics. But then you bust out the Barbie & Ken on the shower massage? This could be really interesting...

    1. Barfly...dude seriously, just because I have pictures of ankle bitters doesnt mean that I cant talk about booze and fornication do you think those ankle biters got here in the first place! stay tuned....I am ALWAYS interesting...LOL

  4. Oops. Sorry I followed you twice.

  5. Also, I totally think Barbie and Ken need to switch spots on the showerhead. Unless, of course, Barb's got a strap on attached.

  6. And also, again-- I totally want that puppy.

    1. Charity - there are days that I would totally give you that puppy. That is until his 75 lbs ass comes and give me a "hug". He is kind of a keeper then.

  7. I have a 75lb golden retriever who is almost 15. I love him so very much.