Tuesday, January 24, 2012

When showering Sally met the nut

You know when you have one of those stories…it might be about you, about a friend, about family.  But it just one of those stories….that all kinds of crazy shit can be raining down and this story still makes you laugh.  It’s one of those stories that you can’t let go much to your family’s dismay. 

You see, I have one of those stories.  It some of the funniest shit that I have ever known to go down, and it deserves to be re-told.

I love this place

So a few years ago, my brother was planning to propose to his fiancée during a family vacation in Hawaii.   My Mom, Dad and Grandfather rented a beautiful house on a stretch of ocean front property that is just about the most gorgeous part of Hawaii known to man.  My brother and his (now) wife, didn’t want to be so close to the family, so they camped a little bit away at a campsite on the beach.  It was there on the beach that my brother wrote “Will you Marry Me?” on the sand.  Awww, he is so romantic, and of course she wasn’t foolish and knew a keeper when she had one, and said yes!
There is da man, playing in the waves

After the romantic part, my brother goes to play in the ocean while my sister in law heads to the house on the beach to shower and clean up. 

As she enters the beautiful cottage, she notices that my Grandfather is asleep on the couch, not wanting to disturb him; she maneuvers around the couch and goes into the bathroom. 

Let’s step back here at take a moment to say that my Grandfather was da bomb, old school military, former Political Science College Professor and in general the most awesome guy that you could ever meet.  So when he is sleeping or doesn’t feel well, we all pretty much cater to his needs.  And that is how my Grandmother treated him, so after she passed away, it was expected that we do the same.  We kept her tradition alive!

So here is my sister in law, giddy with excitement and in the first blush of love taking a shower in the beach house.  How can this shizzle get any better.

(Wait, did you hear the music??) Da, dun, Da dun….stealthily approaching the shower…da, dun, da, dun.  (Just Kidding)

So while my newbie sister is washing that man right into her hair, across the way is my Dad.  He has just spent the day, gloriously hacking at little balls on the driving range, while my Mom suntans her beautiful body on the beach.  ( I would just like to say, thank GOD for those genes, one day I hope to look JUST LIKE her).

But wait, what is that???  Was that a gurgle, a pucker, no, no, no…it was a turtle!  Startled, my Dad realizes that if he doesn’t hop foot it back to the beach house he is going to shit his pants on the driving range.   Teeth clenched, sphincter sucked into ass cheeks to prevent leakage, he hurdles his ass onto the golf cart and goes tearing back to the beach house.

Running (naw, he is too gimpy, it’s more of a Texas two-step shuffle) he enters the house, blowing past Grandpa snoozing on the couch, tears open the door and begins to reign a shit on his porcelain god, so bad was this poop that even angels and small celestial beings would of cried due to the stench. 

Realizing that someone is in shower, my Dad says, “Hello”.  A small feminine voice responds, “Hello”. 

It’s during this time that my sister in law, while engulfed in the green fog, has proceeded to wash her hair over a dozen times.  Each time, she brings down the shampoo to cover her face so that she can inhale hibiscus scented old man funk.  She is slowly counting the moments for her eyes to stop burning, chanting to herself that nose hairs will grow back, breathe through your mouth, short pants…its OK….ITS OK…OMG…MAKE IT STOP.  (See, she thinks it my Grandfather and wants to be all respectful and not shout out, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP DROPPING YOUR FUNK ENLACED DEUCE.
Just keep washing, just keep washing

And what is the first thing that you do when you have dropped a bomb of that magnitude?  FUCK YEAH, you shuck your clothes and wash that ass. 

Now, let’s take another pause – see there was an incident…..yeah…..my Dad twisted and lost something…..something that causes us to go into fits of hysterics when we get tanked at the holidays.  Let’s just say, that two walnuts are always better than one.  One is funny, one is scary, one is a lonely number.

Okay, so here is the deal…..She’s in the shower making a gas mask out of shampoo and the old man is naked, ready to get his funkafied ass into the shower for some cleaning.  He pulls back the curtain, and steps into the shower. 

They make eye contact……..the shit literally hits the fan!  She screams, and tries to cover her parts…He screams….tries to hop out of the shower…hopping on one foot with one (snicker snicker)…He screams my Mom’s name and runs out of the bathroom. 

He runs into the bedroom slamming the door and in walks my Mom.  “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, OHMYGOD…(insert my Mom’s name).  HOLY SHIT.

So my sister in law runs furiously back to her tent and to my brother.  OHMYGOD, she tells my brother, OHMYGOD.

Dinner that night was an awkward affair, well for two of the parties.  My Mom and Brother spent most of the evening desperately trying not to snicker.

So every time we get together, this is my favorite story….and really it’s my husband’s favorite story and my brother’s favorite story, and my Mom’s favorite story (deep down she admits it).  We tease my sister in law mercilessly, asking her what one walnut looks like, we torture her with telling her when we are going to the bathroom or shower, and you know what that hooka takes the jokes.  She is a fabulous sport!  (Next time will tell the story of her getting into bed with me and my hubby…just kiddin sista).

Until then I will leave you with a teaser for when my other sister in law met dead penis.

So BIOTCHES, whatcha got to top that?

1 comment:

  1. LOL now that's a story that will never die. One walnut at least might not be as blinding as two.