Thursday, April 12, 2012

Kewl Kids ala John Hughes

If John Hughes wasn’t already dead, I would like to punch him in the face and then hug him really tight for ruining my high school life and making the best sappy movies ever.  (Cameron Crowe also deserves a swift kick in the ass too!!)

Why can’t Jake Ryan pick me up after church when I was in High School??  Instead I either had to walk home or have my Dad pick me up while he was belting out Lay Lady Lay or Come Dancing; I don’t think that either Bob Dylan or the Kinks appreciated his massacring of these songs.

Why could I not have a best Friend named Ducky??  What the FUCK?  Why couldn’t I have someone that would be secretly in love with me, but at the same time could let me know that my ass looked fat in my hand sewn sack dress?  Oh, the humanity!  Instead I managed to hook up with every psychotic girl thinking that they would have my back.  Yeah, I’ll put that life lesson right up there with the boy that tried to tell me that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up. 
 I wasn’t ruh-tarded (French Version) enough to listen to that smooth move.

Why couldn’t of my detention included sitting with a random group of kids, getting high and making fast friends across the great “coolness” divide?  Instead, my detention for skipping an entire semester of sewing class (Side Note:  yeah, who the hell wouldn’t skip that in high school??  
However, I deeply regret it now as I massacre my husband’s pant hem while he mocks me) 
Anyhoo, my detention for skipping sewing with my peppermint schnapps swizzling teacher was washing cars.  Specifically, the football coach and tennis coaches cars, wearing shorts and a tank top, while they sat in lawn chairs watching us.  (Looking back, umm…yeah, I think that was wrong)

And what the hell!!!  Why didn’t the guys in my high school’s auto shop class look like Eric Stoltz?  For the love of everything cinemanity!!  The guys in auto shop in my high school could watch you coming down the corridor with one eye, while keeping the other eye perfectly trained on the opposite corridor.  I never knew that 14 year old boys could grow mountain men beards or that 6 fingers were considered a sign of luck.  (Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya).

And for the love of sweet baby jesus, why could I not have a day like Ferris’s?  Seriously, I would make that shit epic!  I probably wouldn’t be alive today, but still, I wanted to go to a high school like that.  Damn, was Charlie HAWT in that movie??  Cocaine and hookers….they put the cray cray in everyone.

And you Cameron Crowe, you I find to be especially fiendish.  What girl did not want someone to stand below their window, busting out the most romantic song ever just to tell you that they love you?  Peter Gabriel, I seriously H-E-A-R-T you.  Me, I get the boy that wanted to clarify that if I was dumping him, was it okay for him to hit it with my mom.  WHATTHEFUCK?? 

And John Cusack, don’t think that I will let you off lightly either…..First, the fact that you showed me that my mom’s Jell-O salad could move has ruined decades of Thanksgivings for me.   

Second, why the hell couldn’t my high school reunion included a contract killer?  Instead, aging cheer leaders and glory dying sports jocks peppered that visit.  

Third, I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS! (With interest you bastard, that means you owe me six gazbillion dollars)

Note to my kids….you WILL watch these movies and know every line instead of the crappy drivel that Disney and Nick tries to poison you with!


  1. Ferris Bueller. Seriously best movie ever. Who doesn't want a pull a Bueller even as an adult?!

    And when I have kids, I will block Disney and Nickelodeon simply because the people on those kiddie shows who THINK they can sing gave me migraines when babysat kids that watched that crap. Or had to have on in the background. There was not enough advil/excedrine/aleve.

    1. J - As a parent of a 7 and 9 year old girls....let me tell you, that there isn't enough booze and/or prescription drugs and/or illegal drugs that make these shows ok. Because they suck and their music sucks, hard.

  2. Oh Sexy Girlfriend!

    I AM A KEWL KID!!!

    This post has made me so happy I'm peeing my pants a little bit (it could also just be excitement over my boyfriend John Cusak), but whatever.

    1. Shut the fuck up lady, he is TOTALLY mine!

      I am glad that I made you happy, it makes me happy! Ladies night...soon? You, me and P for lunch??

    2. It's a date.

      Would it be ina of me to rub one out while watching my sexxy boyfriend on our Ladies night?

    3. No, just don't make me watch!

  3. EVERY one should watch those movies. I think I'll sit down with 16 Candles tonight and imagine myself with Jake Ryan.
    How Dreamy.

  4. You had me at the picture of "the Donger!"

  5. I already have my daughter watching those with me.
    "No, he's not retarded."
    Love that line!

  6. Loved every one of those movies. They were a rite of passage for 80's teens. I can remember being on a date with a girl and she mentioned that she had never seen FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.


    I couldn't look at her the same after that.

  7. The Breakfast Club really screwed with me. I dated anyone that even slightly resembled John Bender. He is still so beautiful to me.