Thursday, April 19, 2012

Questions.....I've got 'em!

I’ve got questions…..questions that don’t necessarily need to be answered, but if you’ve got the time and/or inclination, please help a bitch out.

Or, if you’ve got questions, maybe I can help you answer them.  See, do you see what I just did here; I just created a win-win situation for us both!  Damn, I am so smart.  (PS – It’s all the smarties that I stole out of my children’s candy baskets at Halloween, they are just kickin’ in!)

Get Outta the road Turkey
First, I want to know why that damn gaggle of turkeys is stalking me.  Every damn day, EVERY day, as I travel down the dark stretch of back road that is the first part of my commute, they are there.  I know this; I just know that those muthafuckers wait until I hit that curve at 50 miles an hour and they jump out in front of me.  See, I think it’s a game that they like to play with me; I call the game Thanksgiving dinner.  One of these days I am going to hit one of those bastards and stuff ‘em for dinner. 

Wear the hat Dwight, wear the hat

Why do Dwight Yoakum’s songs make my hips wiggle, but his face makes me put on a chastity belt?

For the love of all that is holy, when will my boobs stop aching when small babies cry?  I stopped breastfeeding over six years ago and the minute I am around one shrill crying infant my boobs totally swell up and ache….I am not a fuckin cow, I do not make milk on demand…stop crying!!!

Speaking of cows, we are all in agreement here…there are no questions…they ARE ALIENS…if you don’t believe……click here…..See...see they are REALLY ALIENS

Damn ears

Why does my husband undermine my spank bank?  Every time I mention I think that someone is cute, he slyly points out something to me….that guy on the Sci Fi series Stargate Atlantis…not the moobie one, but the other one…I mentioned that he was cute, and then hubby said, “Did you ever look at his ears, they are pointed, maybe he is part elf”  GODDAMNIT HUBBY….now every time I look at him all I focus on are his Spock like ears.

Why do my muscle relaxer pills say that I can take (3) in one day.  Because I two (2) within six hours of each other and I became a zombie.  Yep, that is right, a zombie…no higher brain function, drooling on myself, falling down (more so than normal you bitches) and the ability to speak in tongues.  All I was missing was the stigmata and I could have heralded the end of the world.

Did you eat poo, did YOU??, see he wont look me in the eye!

Why does my pure bred dog eat shit?  This is the first dog that we have ever purchased from a breeder (the rest of our dogs we gotten through rescue’s).  This dog, all expensive like, is one step below my zombie relaxed self….

Why do my children feel the need to hold my boobies up when they stand in front of me?  It’s not like I am not wearing a supportive bra, I am trying to keep them up you little bitches, the fact that you constantly let me know that gravity is just around the corner does not help mommy’s mood or make me want to buy you shit.

Why does Justice clothing market slutty clothing to my girls??  Both they and Old Navy – no my babies do not need string bikinis and flashdance ripped up shirts. 

Why are you wearing your Juicy sweat outfits jogging?  Shit you not, just yesterday I saw this lady (pretending to jog, but really walking) and she was decked out in her bling bling juicy track suit, complete with full make up, and hair in a high pony.  She smiled at my husband, but she got this evil scowling look when she saw me.  Ha ha, you read my blog….twatwaffle.

Why is my friend Jenn so afraid of midgets?  This is unknown, so to help her out I have collected the following t-shirts that I am going to give her:

Just in case there was a question

Jenn - ask for more INFO

Jenn - isn't your favorite color blue??

See Jenn - they would be the perfect height

Jenn - you always dreamed about firemen


Mr T looks so cool

Think of how tall we would be Jenn!!

You've got questions??  Hit me up, maybe I could help you out!!


  1. I love Dwight, that man wears the tightest pants and tucks to the left.

    I read somewhere that dogs who eat pooh are lacking in iron or something. Toss him a steak, see if that helps.

    Cows are creepy stop talking about them.

    Oh and I so want that shirt. If I ask for more info are you going to spam me with lots of midget porn pictures? And also, I hate you.

    The End.

    1. I just spit my yogurt laughing. I will buy you that shirt too! And you know you L-O-V-E me!

  2. Thank you for feuling my already abnormal penchant for midgets. I am as giddy as a japanese girl in a Hello Kitty store.

  3. Aww, come on, cows are cute. Well, calves are cute. Maybe it's because I work with them every day? I'm brainwashed, aren't I? Shitshitshitshitshit. I'm screwed.

    And yesterday someone brought in there (not kidding) pet turkey to the vet's office. It can no longer walk. When they then told us that the stupid turkey has been eating DOG FOOD for 4 months, we instantly knew what the problem was. The hard part? Convincing the owners it was all about the dog food and not that the turkey tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof. *facepalm*

    1. J - when you work with the cows, its best to have tinfoil on your head...PS...send picture so I can blog about it! LOL

      Thanks for raising the roof on Turkicide, it effects everyone. LMFAO!!

    2. I'm not sure you could pay me to wear a tinfoil hat. But I can provide cow pictures. lol And yes, Turkicide is a growing problem. I'm thinking taking it to congress. lol

  4. When I was in high school, my youth minister was a midget. I guess I got used to them pretty fast.

    I have a friend that is terrified of midgets. A local strip club had the porn star "Bridget the Midget" headlining one night. A group of guys took him there without telling him what was going on. Front row seats and she popped out of a box right in front of him. He knocked over three tables trying to get out of there.

    1. Brett - that shizzle was flipping funny!! I can just picture the poor guy now, with his face all...NOOOO....and running. make me laugh.

  5. Easily one of the funniest blogs I have encountered on the A-Z this month.

    I like people that are not afraid to speak their mind :)

    1. David - Thanks!! I am glad that you stopped by, and yes, I have never been know to curb my opinions. Keep coming back, I'm sure that I will have something else on my mind.

  6. I have no answers for you, but I too, have been stalked by turkeys.

    Scary birds.

    I have a good friend who loves midgets. She wants one to live with her so it can sit on her couch and wait for her when she gets home from work. The thing she likes about that image is that his feet will be dangling off the couch. She used to live in an apartment with a handicapped bathroom, and I kid you not, she actually said, "See, if I had a midget, he could sit on the toilet with his feet dangling. Wouldn't that be awesome?" I keep strange company.

  7. No questions. Just wanted to say that I like the word "twat waffle." It will come in right behind "douche canoe" in my lexicon of insults. So thank you.

    Just swinging through from A to Z. Good luck with the rest of the challenge!

  8. I don't have any answers for you either, but will ask you to contact me when you find them. You see, my brother-in-law is so terrified of midgets, he has convinced himself they are not humans, but demons.