Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"P" is definitely for Petri Douche



Petri Douche – As described by the Urban Dictionary as a place and/or location where a lot of douchebags are known to congregate.  A place that attracts and seemingly breeds douchebags, twatwaffles, jackwagons and Juicy Whores.

So saddle up folks, let’s visit some petri douchey places……

 

Congress - a well-known breeding ground for red and blue blood douchebags.  If there ever was a petri douche mecca, this would be it!




Any Hollister and/or Urban Outfitter – I can’t walk by these places without gagging due to the breach in the ozone from the rotting smell.  I have trained my kiddies to make the same gag reflex so that they don’t fall into becoming tad pole petri douche hang on’s.






Starbucks – You can take your Trenta (no shit, it’s the new 31 oz. size option) double calf, skinny, add shot, vanilla shot, drop of carmel, vanilla bean, matcha powder, espresso and drink it.  No seriously, drink it all so that I can watch you drop dead of a heart attack from too much caffeine and sugar.  New t-shirt, Starbucks…dropping the douches one at a time.  PS – those headphones make you look like an alien.  What??  Oh, never mind.





Jersey Shore – Seriously, seriously….Snookie looked better on South Park.







Spin Classes/the Gym – the technical term is petri tester-douche.  This is where the pennerly challenged go to find a faux bronzed mate and spawn heinous offspring.  Said offspring will be raised by juicy sweated fake breasted females, who will alternate between telling Karson (cause it’s Klassy) to not eat the playground sand while commiserating with her fellow twatbadgers that getting banned from the gym daycare is so UN-FAIR.   It’s their job to parent my kid! 



Wine bars – This is the afterhour’s mecca of the urban petri-douches and twatwaffles.  Here they swill local wines and foreign wines with all the flare and panache previously reserved for making jungle juice from kool aid, fruit juice and cheap booze in large 50 gallon trash cans.  Now instead of watching fresh faced college girls fall on their faces, I get to watch orange glowed, triple dyed, puma’s barfing their guts out on the curb.  Touché ladies….touché





Burning Man – Once, a crazy, fun, weird, West Coast Event.  Now douchey event ruined by the 99%’ers.  Go back to your box and take a time out!








Got a Petri Douche place near you??  Let's hear it!

14 comments:

  1. Okay, now that I've wiped the coffee that sprayed out of my nose off the screen...oh are there ever Petri Douche places where I am! Between the redneck dive bars and all the little mini casinos...not to mention Wal-mart (had to get that in there)...it's douchery central. I totally agree with your choices, especially about Jersey Shore ;)

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    1. Tracy - The sad thing is, once your eyes are open to the petri douche, it's hard to go back to normal!

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  2. First, petri-douche is just an awesome word. Hadn't heard it before, but oh wow, is it perfect.

    Second, my tiny town, is like the last stop for food and gas before Burning Man. We're still a couple hours-ish away, but yeah. Our town is hoppin' with Burners for two weeks. Bleh.

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    1. J - Bleh is right!! Grunge marketing sucks

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  3. My vocabular is becoming so colorful!

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    1. so colorful in fact that I can't spell. vocabulary. vocabular sounds like something I'd take antibiotics for.

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  4. Every once and awhile I think our local rec league soccer fields get a little petri-douchey. This winter probably was nowhere near cold enough to eradicate all of the germs, yikes!

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    1. Andrea - As a soccer parent, I find other parents to be petri douchie....take it sooo seriously.

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  5. Never heard of petri-douchey, but I'll be sure to use it next time Jehovah's Witnesses roll their eyes at me or look at me sideways when I politely decline to take the pamphlets that they try to get me to read. Sheesh! I mean, excuse me for saying "No Thank You!" See, that's why I'm willing to at least hear the Mormons out when I have time and am in a good mood...they seem to be the nicer of the religious groups that roam the neighborhood I'm in.


    ~Nicole
    Blog: The Madlab Post
    *Rockin' the A to Z Challenge!*
    @MadlabPost on Twitter

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    1. Nicole - I find that I have to block the door when they come to knock, my husband, after watching some TV show, found out that they have to do stuff for you for free. So he is always trying to get them to do lawn work or paint the house. You would think that they would x off my house...but NOOOOO.

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  6. I'v got four words for you. Hys Ter I Cal. LMAO. Nice to meet you.

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  7. I've never been to any of those places, with the exception of Starbucks, but none that I've been to look like that classy joint up there.

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