Petri Douche – As described by the Urban Dictionary as a place and/or location where a lot of douchebags are known to congregate. A place that attracts and seemingly breeds douchebags, twatwaffles, jackwagons and Juicy Whores.
So saddle up folks, let’s visit some petri douchey places……
Congress - a well-known breeding ground for red and blue blood douchebags. If there ever was a petri douche mecca, this would be it!
Any Hollister and/or Urban Outfitter – I can’t walk by these places without gagging due to the breach in the ozone from the rotting smell. I have trained my kiddies to make the same gag reflex so that they don’t fall into becoming tad pole petri douche hang on’s.
Starbucks – You can take your Trenta (no shit, it’s the new 31 oz. size option) double calf, skinny, add shot, vanilla shot, drop of carmel, vanilla bean, matcha powder, espresso and drink it. No seriously, drink it all so that I can watch you drop dead of a heart attack from too much caffeine and sugar. New t-shirt, Starbucks…dropping the douches one at a time. PS – those headphones make you look like an alien. What?? Oh, never mind.
Jersey Shore – Seriously, seriously….Snookie looked better on South Park.
Spin Classes/the Gym – the technical term is petri tester-douche. This is where the pennerly challenged go to find a faux bronzed mate and spawn heinous offspring. Said offspring will be raised by juicy sweated fake breasted females, who will alternate between telling Karson (cause it’s Klassy) to not eat the playground sand while commiserating with her fellow twatbadgers that getting banned from the gym daycare is so UN-FAIR. It’s their job to parent my kid!
Wine bars – This is the afterhour’s mecca of the urban petri-douches and twatwaffles. Here they swill local wines and foreign wines with all the flare and panache previously reserved for making jungle juice from kool aid, fruit juice and cheap booze in large 50 gallon trash cans. Now instead of watching fresh faced college girls fall on their faces, I get to watch orange glowed, triple dyed, puma’s barfing their guts out on the curb. Touché ladies….touché
Burning Man – Once, a crazy, fun, weird, West Coast Event. Now douchey event ruined by the 99%’ers. Go back to your box and take a time out!
Got a Petri Douche place near you?? Let's hear it!