Friday, April 27, 2012

"X" is for Xrated

Do you ever speak X rated?? 

I don’t know about you, maybe it is just me and all the people that I hang out with, but our BBQ talk seems to devolve.

You know, I have always wanted to have one of those BBQ’s, where we wear little polo shirts and polo skirts and there is white linen and crystal wine glasses to sip from.  

Where music is gently playing in the background, children are minded by all of their own nannies so that the adults can have hi-flutin’ conversations.  

Discussions about the state of the economy, whether or not your Rolls Royce is stocked with Grey Poupon, the cost of domestic help, how my 1% salary can influence small countries. 

You know, shit like that.

Instead, most of my BBQ’s look something like this.

Conversations revolve around how fake titties really feel.

Pictures that are taken involve showing us your drink and your gang sign of 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink.   

What have you ever pulled out of someone’s ass (remember most of my friends are either cops or firemen)

The grossest dead body that you have ever seen

Old people in nighties rubbing against you

Taking pictures of the size of your shit to show your friends, cause, Dude it was EPIC – it breached out of the water.

Can you really spin a midget on your penis?

Regurgitation of what space docking, Portuguese breakfast, goatse, and other strange internet phenomena’s.  Also, you must Google and then show said BBQ friends on your iPhone.  (Note to blog readers:  DO NOT ATTEMPT, ONCE LEARNED, IT CAN NOT BE UNLEARED)

Why stretchy vagina’s leak and with that the art of bling bling’ing your hoo hoo.

The shows with people’s strange addictions, real dolls, and what type of vibrators you own.  (Note to party friends – Bringing out said appliances is NOT socially acceptable) 

Why people like to pretend to be horses, have naked people saddle them and ride them.  (Personal thoughts – I don’t like to get dusty naked)

Making techno music noises why you show me your best stripper pole dancing impersonation (and no, this is not the girls doing this)

Also bringing out your old furrbie costume to show me you still have mad skills kind of ewws me out.  I do NOT want to feel how soft it is and really the crusty patches made me kind of vom in my mouth!

After writing all of this out, I think I will take the X rated parties – at least I know here my bellowing out F-U-C-K will be answered back with a I’ll beer ‘ya call.

(PS - Newt if you are reading this, I promise (hand to God) to not blog his name or take pictures if you will invite him over.  I've got serious questions that need to be answered)


  1. I love that Pat Downs poster.

  2. Ruth - its pretty awesome !!!

  3. I about died over "can you really spin a midget on your penis?". LOL That's so wrong yet so funny!!

    1. J - I know, Tucker Max has this whole story about that, it is so fricking funny

  4. Feel free to invite me to one of your BBQ parties.

  5. Your bbq sounds way better than fancy mustard!

    1. Andrea - I always wanted to pass another Rolls and totally re-enact that whole commerical