If you had to think of words to describe me, they would be grace…..the ability to float like Jesus over the water when she walks…..ethereal…..the epitome of ballerina like reflexes.
Yep, that is right; I am filled with 100% of B.S. What you should be thinking is if Mr. Bean met Pigpen and they had a cute little baby girl. That would be me. I have the innate ability to trip over a leaf on the ground, creating a massive cloud of dust, whip myself off the ground and try to appear as if nothing happened and I meant to do that.
So in the past two weeks, I have fallen twice and injured the same hand, the same knee and fucked up my shoulder in the same area (twice).
The first fall was entering a crack house trying to recover a plastic body for my friend Mandi,(Mandi's New Baby) and the second time was just the other day in the lobby of my office.
Mandi’s adventure was a little higher octane, since I was entering a dark building. And let me tell you what dark is…this place is so dark that the light from my flashlight is absorbed by the pitch blackness. Not even Riddick with his shine on would get much here. So, keeping one eye on the flashlight in front of me and one eye for either dead bodies or zombies, I try to find the stairs to access the crack pen where Mandi’s doll lives. That’s when I hear the bang and the dragging sounds….and I freak the shit out. So while running for my life, I trip and slide across a floor that I don’t even want to mention or think about the substances that might be on this floor. As I am scrambling madly to right myself and not get eaten by the Zombie crack whores, I realize that it’s just the maintenance guy. Apparently I scared the shit out of him too and he was trying to chase me down with his baseball bat. Once we realized that we were friendlies, we donned the necessary plastic gloves and the large plastic bag in which we placed her well used body. We limped out of the building like wounded soldiers, squinting at the bright light and breathing fresh clean (well, industrial fresh clean air) non-malt liquor scented air. Maintenance Bob went back to chasing vagrants with his baseball bat and I went to the UPS store to mail off the girl to Mandi. I also didn’t want to leave in too long in my car….you know….in case of it contaminating my vehicle.
My second trip down memory lane involves the lobby of my office…..
Yeah, the lobby of my office, right in front of everyone, and no you rat bastards I wasn’t wearing crazy tall shoes….I was just walking, into the lobby. I opened the beautiful glass doors of the lobby of my company, and try to breeze in looking all Audrey Hepburn with my black gaucho pants and cute little sweater set, with my sunglasses on my head and my hair all nice. That was, until I went down in a blaze of glory, the blaze so great that stuntmen would have wept for the sheer drama of my fall. I think that I rolled twice, head over heels, complete with purse and workbag, and arms and legs until I finally reached the end of my summersault where I lay catatonic for a moment. After gathering my wits, and the remnants of my pride (ah hell, who am I kidding, this happens so often, I am not sure what face I can save) I rise….and walk, hobbling to my office where I bang my head on my desk, repeatedly.
So today I sit at my desk wondering if these shoes + my “easy button” might help me out today.
PS - After work, I am going to hit the treadmill....wish me luck!