Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Ooops, I did it again




If you had to think of words to describe me, they would be grace…..the ability to float like Jesus over the water when she walks…..ethereal…..the epitome of ballerina like reflexes. 

Yep, that is right; I am filled with 100% of B.S.  What you should be thinking is if Mr. Bean met Pigpen and they had a cute little baby girl.  That would be me.  I have the innate ability to trip over a leaf on the ground, creating a massive cloud of dust, whip myself off the ground and try to appear as if nothing happened and I meant to do that.


Knee Injury


So in the past two weeks, I have fallen twice and injured the same hand, the same knee and fucked up my shoulder in the same area (twice).  









The first fall was entering a crack house trying to recover a plastic body for my friend Mandi,(Mandi's New Baby) and the second time was just the other day in the lobby of my office.  

Mandi’s adventure was a little higher octane, since I was entering a dark building.  And let me tell you what dark is…this place is so dark that the light from my flashlight is absorbed by the pitch blackness.  Not even Riddick with his shine on would get much here.  So, keeping one eye on the flashlight in front of me and one eye for either dead bodies or zombies, I try to find the stairs to access the crack pen where Mandi’s doll lives.  That’s when I hear the bang and the dragging sounds….and I freak the shit out.  So while running for my life, I trip and slide across a floor that I don’t even want to mention or think about the substances that might be on this floor.  As I am scrambling madly to right myself and not get eaten by the Zombie crack whores, I realize that it’s just the maintenance guy.  Apparently I scared the shit out of him too and he was trying to chase me down with his baseball bat.  Once we realized that we were friendlies, we donned the necessary plastic gloves and the large plastic bag in which we placed her well used body.  We limped out of the building like wounded soldiers, squinting at the bright light and breathing fresh clean (well, industrial fresh clean air) non-malt liquor scented air.  Maintenance Bob went back to chasing vagrants with his baseball bat and I went to the UPS store to mail off the girl to Mandi.  I also didn’t want to leave in too long in my car….you know….in case of it contaminating my vehicle.

My second trip down memory lane involves the lobby of my office…..
Yeah, the lobby of my office, right in front of everyone, and no you rat bastards I wasn’t wearing crazy tall shoes….I was just walking, into the lobby.  I opened the beautiful glass doors of the lobby of my company, and try to breeze in looking all Audrey Hepburn with my black gaucho pants and cute little sweater set, with my sunglasses on my head and my hair all nice.  That was, until I went down in a blaze of glory, the blaze so great that stuntmen would have wept for the sheer drama of my fall.  I think that I rolled twice, head over heels, complete with purse and workbag, and arms and legs until I finally reached the end of my summersault where I lay catatonic for a moment.  After gathering my wits, and the remnants of my pride (ah hell, who am I kidding, this happens so often, I am not sure what face I can save) I rise….and walk, hobbling to my office where I bang my head on my desk, repeatedly.

So today I sit at my desk wondering if these shoes + my “easy button” might help me out today.  



PS - After work, I am going to hit the treadmill....wish me luck!


20 comments:

  1. You kill me. I haven't laughed that hard, well, since the last time we talked!

    And no, those shoes look dangerous, no amount of pushing that easy button is going to help you!

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    1. I so thought of you after I pulled my shizzle together. I missed you cackling madly at me while I try to pull my stuff together. No one here laughed (to my face) and mocked me (to my face).

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  2. Ummmmm..."hit" the treadmill? A bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy here? :)

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    1. DL - For reasons that escape me, I find that running while barefoot actually results in less catastrophic incidents while on the treadmill. Also, if I only listen with one earbud, then the likelihood of me screaming and jumping is also reduced.

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  3. I'm quite sure the safest place for you is *away* from said treadmill. And I'd go with flat shoes with velcro. ;o)

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    1. Pfffttt J - Flat shoes are so S-A-F-E

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  4. You certainly have a fun imagination! At first I was taking your post seriously. Yeah, I
    d stay away from high-heeled shoes. I'm over from A to Z if you want to pop over. Cheers! (Catherine Stine's Idea City).

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    1. Catherine - thanks for stopping by!! The sad thing is, everything is my post really happened. Including both falls. Really

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    2. I can attest that the crack house mannequin is quite real, as it is currently sitting in a corner of my dining room, staring at me with its erect nipples.

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  5. Oh man...that's tough. But being short, I constantly have random, furniture-height bruises everywhere...I call them "furniture bites." Our end-tables in the living room seem to be the worst offenders. Oh well. You have a great blog and a new follower! Looking forward to seeing more A-Z from you.

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    1. Sarah - thanks for stopping by!! And yes, I feel ya, as someone who is 5-1" *cough, cough* I have the same sets of bruises.

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  6. I'm glad you clarified that knee bruise picture because for several seconds, I was thoroughly convinced that Jupiter was wearing a sweater.

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  7. Those shoe and the treadmill together spell more bruise photos! Glad you made it out alive, btw!

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  8. Hi, stopping by from the A-Z trail. So sorry for your falls, but they had me laughing. Hard. If you're half this funny all the time, I'm definitely a new follower. :)

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    1. Jennifer - thanks for stopping by!!

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  9. I am clumsy, too. However, I can always keep myself from falling and bumping into things when I am alone, but if there's even an ant in the room, I am going down.

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    1. Nellie - I know...isn't it crazy!!

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  10. I trip over my own flip flops so it's all good. I'm sorry you injured yourself in the same spot. Where can I get an easy button? I could use one of those..

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